Entries for May, 2019



Labor Day Wednesday
水曜日: May 1, 2019



My everything hurts. Standing, sitting, walking, kahit laughing, putek, ansakit. Every motor activity is a hard labor. Happy Labor Day.

Iniisip ko kung sinong epal ang nagdesisyon na lahat ng kwarto ng bahay namin e nasa 2nd floor. Takte, gusto ko na murahin yung hagdan. Lol. 

Ako ang nag drawing ng bahay namin.

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Back home. Cebu and Bohol trip were nothing short of amazing. A lot of activities, very few sleep. Kahit winner yung sakit ng katawan ko, my heart is happy. 

I already reserved a slot for DisCon next year. The venue will be in Bicol. The ladies are already excited. Alam ko, marami pang pwede mangyari, pero sana maging ok lahat.

As much as I want to savor the happy feeling I brought back from my trips, naiisip ko na naman yung future.

I remember a few years ago, I had this little "what if" vision about living in Cebu and starting anew. I usually have thoughts like these when I'm brokenhearted.

But I am not brokenhearted now. And yet when we went to Bohol a few days back, I felt it again. That longing to throw what I have away and start anew somewhere else. Somewhere far. Kung tutuusin, I think I can actually do that.

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Z: hindi ko ayaw sa kanya, hindi ko lang sya friend.

L: hindi ka naman nagseselos sa kanila ni J?

This friend knows who I like, I wonder where this question came from.

And... am I? Lol. Ba't ba may mga tanong na hindi mo basta bastang masasagot ng "hindi".

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L: kahapon pa yan ha. Magfi flirt sya sayo tas babanggitin nya yung asawa nya. Wag mo na nga sagutin yan.

J: Oo nga. Hayaan mo sya, wag mong rereplyan.

Sabi nila, mahirap daw magsalita ng tapos, but I already told my friends na wala akong gusto dun at hindi ako magkakagusto dun in the future. Iniisip ko kung ano bang inaalala nila.

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Our tour guide in Kawasan look so much like the "Z" in the XYZ of my caterpillar speech, I can't help but look. He's just 21.

And dear Schwarzie-girl, no that's not the dude I rode motorcycle with. Defensive lang. Lol.

Gwapong gwapo ako sa lalaking tayu tayo yung buhok. Tas yung sa kanya kahit nabasa na ng tubig, maayos parin. Again, he's just 21. Pramis, hindi ako mahilig sa bata. I just like men with  nice hair. Yun lang.

Which reminds me, gwapo pa rin si "Z" till now though his hair is thinning already. I wonder if it's just me. I would've shown his picture to my friends for verification if only our situation wasn't so complicated.

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So I was able to attend the mass last Sunday, a Divine Mercy Sunday. I wrote a list for that day on what I was going the ask the Heavens mercy for. Hindi ko man lang nailabas yung list ko on the actual day. Ang daming kaganapan. Sana nakarating parin kay Jesus yung mga dasal ko.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:53 PM.

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Terrence and mercy
木曜日: May 2, 2019



I feel like I just woke up and now it's 10:46PM. How come time flies so fast when you want it to slow down a bit?

Home now. I've been so social the past week, this introvert needs some time to recharge. That's why I can't appreciate friends' invitation to go to this and that, do this and that... plus, I also want to recover from my expenses.

PERO... gosh, we're planning to watch one of the PBA finals games. This is something I can't say no to. Crushie Terrence Romeo will be there. Antagal ko nang pangarap to!

We are yet to successfully book tix after countless attempts. Trying our luck tomorrow at smtickets outlet. Sana maging ok.

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I just remember the priest who presided the mass last Divine Mercy Sunday. Sobrang natuwa kasi ako sa kanya. May mga tao daw kasi na akala e hindi sya naniniwala sa hell, because he believes, well, more like hopes, that hell is empty. Kasi daw, if God is really that merciful, then it's likely na lahat e papatawarin Nya. May part sakin na naniniwalang totoo yun.

I read a religious meme earlier that said something like, "they are fine... but not saved." Napipikon ako pag nakakabasa ako ng ganito. Yung para bang siguradong sigurado sila kung sino-sino lang ang maliligtas. Na para bang sila ang mag de-decide.

It baffles me how some people seem to rejoice at the thought that some people are going to get punished. Hindi ko talaga yun maintindihan. Suguro kasi marami rami rin talaga ang mga naging kasalanan ko. When the judgment day comes, I'll probably be one of those people who will need to beg God for mercy. Whenever I see memes like this, I imagine people looking down on me on the Judgment Day telling me, "buti nga sayo". O di ba, nakakapikon.

In my heart, I wish that our true God is more merciful than that.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:31 PM.

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Calm the eff down
金曜日: May 3, 2019



Writing 'coz I'm quite nervous right now. Tabby, please distract me.

It's 10:30 in the evening. Are you still awake? I have 3 more days to do as I please before I get back to work. I do have a few money to spend, but energy, not so much. Also, I need to spend sparingly since I really wish to get a gold card, I need to save money.

So what are our plans from here on, Z?

If imagination is my only limit, I'll pack my bags right now and go back to Bohol. 

I just bought a new luggage I named Blue. It's colored black. The other luggage, I named Pinky. I have an old bike I named Mandy. Do you name your favorite things too? I don't know why my cellphone doesn't have a name when it's my most overused possession.

Can I just pack my bags and go to Bohol? I remember I was like this when I visited my Mom's hometown in Mindanao. I remember falling in love with the place, but before the week was over, I started aching for civilization. Miss na miss ko ang frappe nun, kahit yata Zagu, papatulan ko.

So what is our plan, Z?

I'm just waiting for the news about the insurance co that I just started involving myself with. I'm targeting my brother's old and current companies to conduct Financial Planning road show thingy. 

And then?

Well I don't know. Maybe I'll get married. LOL.

.

It's 10:45, and damn, I'm still nervous.

 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:47 PM.

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Moshikashitara
火曜日: May 7, 2019



Why, it's a Tuesday and I'm back to work. All fine. I just miss the noise. Back in my place in Manda and I kinda miss being with people.

Was searching for TM clubs near the area. I just feel like expanding my world some more and meet interesting people. Iniiwasan ko lang pumunta sa TM clubs na may nakakakilala sa kin, which is weird. Idk.

Gabby is my measuring stick whenever I want to count how many people I've met through TM. He's the Division Director and former District PR. Everyone I know in TM knows him. We have 107 mutual friends now. It means I've met 107 people in TM. That's a lot considering that I have abt 600 friends only. And it's only been 3 years.

I read my entries 4 yrs back. That was before TM. I was killing myself to earn more money. Though I have no regrets, I still wish I treated myself a little kinder.

4 years. Yung goals ko noon, goals ko parin ngayon. The only difference is that, I feel a lot happier now. Though I don't have all the things I want, sa tingin ko, I still live a pretty good life.

My cousin's girlfriend posted pictures of their daughter, Amarrah. She's my inaanak and I found her very pretty. I wish the Heavens will give me a pretty daughter like her too. Kahit hindi pretty, basta normal at mabait na bata. And if the Heavens is feeling a little more generous, maybe He can also give me a son. But before all that, I would first want to have a husband. Of course.

I'm a woman who like men. Kung gwapo, or kung neat, o kaya e maganda buhok, titingin ako. Kung mabait, or talented, o kaya smart, I will flash a smile or so. Pero in the end of the day, I would want only one man. Yung sa akin. Yung sa akin lang. Someone I can be with. Alam mo yun?

Years ago when I started ignoring Parrot's messages. It was right when I started seeing him as a good guy. My reason: he's a seaman. He will always be far away and I don't like that. 

Now, he's married with a kid and his wife is very beautiful.

Parrot was the most persistent. Still, technically, hindi naman ako nasaktan nung kinasal sya. I actually felt happy for him. He's a good guy. It's good that things worked for them.

Siguro ganun naman talaga. May mga taong ok kayo pero hindi yung sitwasyon nyo, at ok lang yun.

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Paminsan minsan, sinisilip ko parin ang profile ni ***. I started following him again in facebook. Hindi na masakit, pero syempre naku-curious pa rin ako. In one of the entries that I backread, I wrote about not answering a friend's phone that he was calling then. It could've been a chance for us to talk after long years of silence. Will things be different kaya kung sinagot ko yung call? But then I know na kahit siguro naging ok pa kami ulet nung taong yun, I don't think we will ever end up in marriage. Hindi lang talaga kami ok as partners and it's good that he was able to find someone na ok sa kanya.

Posible rin. Baka nasakin ang problema. Realistic ba yung gusto ko?

I seek leadership from a guy. Sa aming dalawa, wala akong balak maging Alpha. He has to lead. But he has to be respectful to me as well. He can expect the same respect from me. Importante sakin yun. Respect also means he wouldn't flirt with other women behind my back. Again, kung sa akin sya, sakin lang dapat. He has to be responsible with money too. I don't dream of becoming buried in debts, I want us to work on getting rich together instead. Then, more than anything else, I will need his presence.

Now, are these too much to ask? Coz I don't really know. LOL.

I have a friend na ang hanap na lalaki e, mabango, malinis, makinis. Tas meron din syang specific religion at height requirements. Lol.

Oh wait, I do have religion requirement also. See, my dream is to build a family who go to church together. How can I do that if we go to different churches? So yeah... maybe my specs are not as generic, oh well.

Ok naman ako as is. Kung sakaling hindi ko makita yung hinahanap ko, alam kong magiging ok parin ako. Pero siguro... siguro lang naman... siguro kung makikita ko nga yun sa lifetime na to, siguro ite-treasure ko.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:17 PM.

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Kare no koto ni kanshite hanashitain da kedo... iya, dame da
水曜日: May 8, 2019



A part of me wants to go out and meet people. Another, stronger, part just wants to catch some sleep. Goodness. 

Battling over attending some TM club kung saan isa lang ang kakilala ko. Lol. Ba't ba ko umiiwas sa kakilala? Idk.

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"Ang ganda ng boses mo. Para kang porn star." Not the first time I heard people say this whenever they hear me speak in Japanese. Until now I'm not so sure if this is a compliment. How the eff does a porn star sound like?

My first Japanese teacher is Yuko Sensei. Said she was 50 then, but she looked so much younger. She was the Alice-Dixon 50. Even way prettier. I remember she looked like a princess, talked like a princess, and from what I heard, yayamanin din daw si sensei. Said she's the wife of a foreign ambassador. 

Yuko sensie was one of my favorite senseis. Maybe because she always corrected me. She never stopped at my grammar. She even went as far as correcting my accent. She didn't seem as strict with my other classmates. I remember she was often like, "you're pronunciation is good... if you live in Osaka. You sound like a country girl. That's not good. Say it like a Tokyo girl. That's Japanese standard." If I sound like a porn star now, blame my Yuko Sensei. Char.

Nakakamiss din. Nasan na kaya si Yuko Sensei? Hindi ko sya mahanap sa Facebook. 

I'm kinda missing the old times when I was barely sleeping, all for good reason. Now, I'm just barely sleeping. Period.

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3:29PM. In half an hour, I'm off. 

Aattend ba ko or hindi? Nakakatamad.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:33 PM.

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Nani mo nai
木曜日: May 9, 2019



Having very little sleep is driving me nuts. I feel so walang gana about everything including food. Hindi ko naman kinapayat.

It rained last night. I didn't know the area could be this bad when raining. TM night tomorrow. Finally, human interaction. I wish there will be no rain.

Election long weekend in a couple days. Needed to file a leave since it's not a j-holiday. I'm eyeing Colminares since I like his stand on most of the major national issues. I also like Diokno and Gutoc. I'll probably go Otso Derecho anyway, plus Colmimares. I did try to give the others a chance naman talaga since I think it would be a good balance if we elect people who can support our highest leader, pero wala e. Sabaw talaga. If you think otherwise, please educate me, I'm open to other ideas. Mom is thinking of voting Bong Revilla. I know there's no way to talk her out of it. Please forgive my mother.

Been sick for almost a week now. Feeling ko pinagtutulungan ako ng insomnia, cough at colds.

Gusto ko na bumalik sa Cebu. Or Bohol. Or anywhere other than here.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:27 PM.

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Tulog. Gusto ko ng tulog.
土曜日: May 11, 2019



10:08pm now. Was at Elvin's party earlier, I feel like I'm on food coma. Promise, last na eating splurge na to. I want to do something about my weight already.

APE yesterday. Nothing changed. I still hate it. I learned though that I'm already 17kilos aways from my usual weight. 17 effin kilos. Ayawan na.

Jay's speech last night was about SMART goals and it somehow motivated me to change some things. Naisip ko rin yung nabanggit ni Tim Ferriss sa book nya before. I mean, look at Tim Ferriss. He's practically a real-life Tony Stark, minus the science fiction. Why not have it all? Magpapapayat na talaga ko!

I've decided to start commuting back home for the next 2 weeks so that I can have better food option. I've been sick since the week started and I haven't been sleeping since. Well except yesterday. It was the first in 4 days that I ever slept. I wonder what's wrong with my body.

Yesterday was nomination night for our club and I was nominated for the VPE position. I'm not alarmed. I don't think I'd win anyway.

Sa ngayon, I just want to stay chill while trying to figure out what to do with my life. It's not all bliss, but I'm still thankful because I know not all people have this same luxury.

Ano bang gusto kong gawin?

Right now, I think I just want some sleep.

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I had a strange dream last night. There were 3 of us in the dream, ako, si Injan, and another girl, I can't remember who. One of the two was a ghost in dream. I can't remember if it was Injan or the other girl. Tas biglang nawala yung ghost na kasama namin (I think it was Injan), so I asked the other girl what happened. The other girl told me she's going to tell me a secret so I listened intently. 

The secret was....

Well, kaya daw nawala yung ghost kasi may dumaan na airplane. The airplane blew the ghost away daw. Hintay lang daw for a few days or so tas babalik na daw yung ghost.

The eff with that dream.

I haven't been hearing a lot about Injan for a long time now. I wonder if that person is okay...



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:33 PM.

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Un!0v3d
火曜日: May 14, 2019



It's Tuesday and I'm back to work. 

I was having a hard time last night to stop my eyes from overflowing, I'm surprised that I didn't wake up looking like Kerokeropi.

I hate drama, and it's hard to live as a human being dodging this all the time. Drama.

Being positive didn't work this time.

Being grateful neither.

I want a heart that is tougher than this.

...

Boy, I just feel so unloved right now.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:28 PM.

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Sui
水曜日: May 15, 2019



Skipped work today. I've been sick for 2 weeks so I've decided to see the doctor. I was prescribed 3 meds, 1 of which should be taken twice daily which means, I will need to drink 4 meds per day. I hate meds. I wonder if I should really drink all these.

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I heard from Ice that Edward died yesterday, leaving behind his wife and kiddos. He's my brother's highschool friend. Stage 4, liver cancer.

Back in hs, my friends and my brother's friends often spent time together since our usual tambayan was our house. That's why we were all acquainted.

This is the 3rd death among my brother's barkada. 1st was Joven, when he was 25. Next was Jeff. He was closest to us. He died at 29. When I told Mom about Edward's death, she said what I've been trying not to voice out all along, "sana naman hindi sumunod kuya mo."

My brother's generally healthy. It's just that, he eats a lot, and sleeps very little. He also allows his not-so-thin daughter (my beautiful niece) to ride on his back, sometimes on his neck even, in a very dangerous position.

I only have one sibling, you know. Sana naman last na to.

...

And all these made me realize that maybe self-love is knowing that other people's situation may be worse off, but it doesn't mean that your hurts don't matter.

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1 day of low-carbs diet and I have already lost 2 kilos. Yey! But then, it isn't so obvious yet since I'm still 15 kilos away from my usual weight. 

Mom was eating 2 slices of chocolate cake all by herself earlier, gifted by our neighbor. She refused to give me a bite because I'm still barking like a dog because of bronchitis. Ok narin, at least nakaiwas ako sa carbs. Iniisip ko nalang, hindi naman masarap ang chocolate cake *wipes tears*. Huhu.

Spa-buffet date with a friend on Friday. Natuwa ako dahil the description of our reservation said, "free use of Jacuzzi and steam sauna". I love Jacuzzi, I love sauna, and I'm really looking forward to their full body massage. I'm not so sure if the buffet is a good idea though.

Bakit ko nga ulet ginagawa to?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 05:25 PM.

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N n m n i d
金曜日: May 17, 2019



In 15 mins, I'm off.

For 3 days, I managed having super low carbs diet. And just when my pants are starting to get too big, slipping off my waist, biglang may pizza sa office. Was planning to say no, kaso nasa table ko na, nakaayos pa. O sya, pizza.

May ice cream kaya sa buffet mamaya? Sa totoo lang, I'm not yet craving for anything so far. Siguro dahil ang healthy ng hinahain ng tatay ko lately. Sabi sa book na nabasa ko, cravings daw e way ng body naten of saying na it lacks certain nutrients, ganern.

Ang hirap mag-commute home lalo na't sobrang init lately. Pero kung hindi ako mag ko-commute, pano ko makakakain ng maayos.

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I feel so defensively protective of my time, hindi naman ako busy.

I just want to be in control on where my days go. 

Been re-reading "think and grow rich" lately. It feels different now that I know na parang hindi naman ganun ka successful ang buhay nung author, and from what I know, he didn't die rich. But I know his book helped and still helps a lot of people to get rich.

Ang weird no? Even Niccolo Machiavelli wasn't so Machiavellian daw e. Maybe it's just as what Richard Bach once said, "you teach best what you need most to learn."

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I feel so uninterested. This is so out-of-character. 

Oh wait, not really.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:00 PM.

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Doyou
土曜日: May 18, 2019



3:22AM. It's now a Saturday and I just got home.

We had a good 6 hrs at the spa. Loved the full-body massage, feeling ko handa na akong kalimutan lahat ng non-negatiables ko sa lalaki, basta marunong syang magmasahe. Char.

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"Wala akong pakialam kay, &@$£&÷". He said this himself. Pero bakit parang iba sya when she's around? Fun, free, spontaneous. With me, he's usually rigid. Well, not that I care, okay. Naisip ko lang naman.

He still reminds me of R. Siguro parang multo talaga ang perslab. Bigla bigla nalang susulpot yung mga alaala nila sa mga taong nakikilala mo. I'm pretty sure it wasn't love. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ba naaalala ko parin tong taong to.

Sa tingin ko may tanong lang ako na gusto kong masagot...

She's so much like me, isn't she?

Then why didn't you just pick me?

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Kung kailangang magbabayad ng piso kada banggit sa pangalan mo,  nakaipon na siguro ako ng lagpas isang libo. Nabilaukan ka ba or nasamid kanina? Ikaw kasi ang aming pinag-uusapan.

There are people who truly care about you. Matalino ka, alam kong alam mo. Pero hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sinasadya mo silang pawalan ng halaga. Nanghihinayang ako for you. Feeling ko, nabigyan ka ng diamond, tas gamit ang glue gun, dinikit ko lang sa pader. Nadaanan ng mga bata, nahulog at natapaktapakan. Alam mo ang halaga ng diamond, pero hindi mo parin iningatan.

Kilala kasi kita. Alam kong hindi ka nakikinig sa katwiran. Iniisip ko kung ano bang pwede kong gawin sayo?

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So I'm back to the senate. Char. No, I'm back to being a club officer. One of the nominees tied with me, pero nanalo kasi sya as Presi so he's getting the higher position. Nalulungkot ako na hindi nanalo si Jay, pero hindi rin ako thrilled na officer na ko ulet. 

Pero sa ngayon, ang mga problema ko bukas e bukas ko nalang din pro problemahin.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 04:02 AM.

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Chikara o kashite kurenai ka na
土曜日: May 18, 2019



She was all smiles when we got there. The kids were happily playing, and for the next three hours, she told us their story.

Mom, Brother and I were at Edward's wake earlier. The wife and kids seem to be doing fine. I just wish that when the guests were gone and they were left by themselves, sana okay parin sila.

Based on the wife's story, mukha namang hindi all rainbows and sunshine ang kanilang love story. But then her eyes always lighted up at the mention of his name. Nakakatuwa syang pakinggan. She was such a storyteller. Habang nagkikwento sya, hindi ko nakita yung lungkot, pero ramdam ko yung kilig nya twing nire-recall yung moments nilang mag-asawa. Paminsan minsan napapansin kong napapahawak nalang sya bigla dun sa may kabaong.

Hindi talaga ako iyaking tao. Pero pag nakakakita ako ng taong ngumingiti at times when they're supposed to cry, I feel like wanting to cry for them.

When we left, Mom told the wife, "kaya mo yan," and she answered, "kayang kaya."

Kaya mo yan.

Today, I found that I enjoy listening to other people's love story. Mga totoong tao na may totoong struggle. They make me feel na talagang may love. It makes me wonder if capable din ba kong ma feel yun balang araw.

I feel sorry that Edward's wife have lost a husband. Pero kahit ganun, I still think that she's lucky. And it's not just about having a husband. I think it's about having another person na hindi mo naman kadugo, hindi mo kaano-ano, pero pinahalagahan mo at pinahalagahan ka. Tas over time, nagawa mong mahalin, at minahal ka rin.

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My brother and I attended the same school in Elementary and hs. He's one year older, so when I joined COCC in 3rd year, all the cadet officers I had were brother's batchmates, some were his classmates even. Kerengkeng na ko even then, so majority ng lalaking officers namin, crush ko.

Ang init init kanina. I tied my permed hair in an awkward pigtail bilang naiwan ko yung tali ko sa buhok. Naglakad kami ng kaunti bago sumakay ng tricycle kaya ang lapot ko na bago kami nakarating sa lamay. Hindi na rin ako nag bother na maglipstick.

So mejo nagulat ako nung isa isang pumarada yung hs crushes ko papasok sa funerary. Yung iba, dumaan pa saglit para bumati sa kapatid ko. Takte, bakit ba hindi ako nag lipstick?!

Nung lumabas kami, nandun pa si Edmark. Syet! Ang gwapo nya pa rin. Hindi ako natutuwa na nagkatinginan pa kami. Again, bakit ba kasi hindi ako nag lipstick? Ang alam ko halos lahat sila may asawa na. May binanggit si Elfa na 2 nalang daw sa kanila ang hindi pa nag-aasawa. Yung isa lang narinig ko. Sino pa kaya yung isa?

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Months ago nung may nakasakay akong dude sa bus. He looked familiar, pero hindi ko maalala then kung saan ko sya nakilala. Nagtataka pa ko kasi tingin sya ng tingin sakin. By then, I was like, "mangungutang kaya to?" Lol.

As the bus ride progressed medyo na figure out ko na rin kung sino sya. Another one from my cadet officers in hs. Tanda ko crush sya na bff dati. Batchmate ni Kuya, but I'm sure they were not close because this dude was from higher section. 

To make sure na sya yun, I sat next to him nung bumaba yung katabi nya. Confirmed. Sya nga. I remember he used to be this lanky, a little nerdy, dude in hs. Ngayon mejo muscle muscle na sya with a handsome haircut kaya di ko sya nakilala.

Yesterday, the dude added me on Facebook...

So ngayon, iniisip ko kung ano bang magandang ipangalan sa mga magiging anak namin sa future.

Charot.

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Minsan mas ok din na yung nagugustuhan mo e yung malalayo. Yung maliit lang yung possiblity na makita mo ulet.

Para hindi masakit kahit di mo makuha.

Hindi masakit kahit makuha pa ng iba.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:04 PM.

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One of the most beautiful
: May 21, 2019



-by Sarah Kay

“If I should have a daughter…“Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”

She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.

And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”

But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boats nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.

I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.

You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.

And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”

Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.

Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.”

source: https://www.goodreads.com/



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:14 AM.

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Rain boots
水曜日: May 22, 2019



Nabasa ko sa FB ni Tito J, pinsan ni mama:

How to love a jealous man.

1. Give him reassurance that he is the only one for you. Make him feel that you will stick to him no matter how tough the journey is.

2. Stay away from those guys who wanted to be just “friends” with you. He is a man himself. He surely knows their real intentions.

3. Please understand why he becomes borderline possessive sometimes. He does not want to lose you. He cares so much for you.

4. Give him the attention that he deserves. Communicate with him. Make efforts for him too.

5. Do not take him for granted. Appreciate everything that he has done for you. Make him feel that his efforts are valued.

6. Tell him that he is on the right track. Address his worries. Address his insecurities.

7. Give him compliments. Tell him how amazing he is. Tell him how important he is for you.

8. Do not give him reasons to doubt you. Be open with him. Be transparent. Just be honest with him.

9. Be loyal to him. Be faithful to him.

10. Be patient with him. He is trying his best not be overly jealous. He is really doing his best to deal things maturely. He is really doing his best for you.

words by: neil jed castro

****

Sana nabasa ko to 12-13 years ago.

-------

Ipinanganak ako sa Manila. Bandang Sta. Ana. Ilang lundag lang mula sa talipapa. Nung nag 4 years old ako, lumipat kami sa Bulacan at dun na tumira. Hindi na ko nakabalik pa ulit sa Sta. Ana, hindi ko rin naman yun ikinalungkot. Ano bang pwedeng ma-miss ng 4 years old?

Hindi naman kita namimiss. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ako nalulungkot. Hindi ko na rin kasi maalala. Naging ganyan ka ba kasaya nung kasama kita?

Siguro hindi dapat minamadali ang paghilom.

--------

I want to remind myself of the very simple resolution I gave myself when the year started.

-huwag saktan ang sarili

-huwag pumunta sa mga sitwasyong alam mong masasalanta lang ang puso mo. Di ba biblical yun, "protect your heart."

...

Nalala ko bigla yung chocolates and rain boots sa poem ni Sarah Kay.

Kailangan ko ng rain boots.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:35 AM.

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Wala
木曜日: May 23, 2019



Thursday. Nagsisisi ako na hindi ako nag half day leave tomorrow. Anniv party ng club. Gusto ko muna maligo bago pumunta don. Syempre magme-make up at mag-aayos ng kaunti. I bought a baby blue floral dress bilang Havana-Coachella ang theme namin. Ang cute nya, I super like it. Pero mas cute siguro kung mejo mas payat pa ko, pero keber.

I'm a little sad that Jay will just drop by lang daw. I'm detached by default, but I'm pretty attached to people closest to me. It made me feel down for a while pero siguro dapat nagfo-focus sa mga blessings at mabubuting bagay.

Mel said she's coming. Ewan ko lang totoo. LA said, dadaanan nya ko para sabay na kami sa party. Basta kasama ko tong dalawang to, okay narin. Si Bea, for sure, kasama ang boylet. Close din naman ako sa iba pang members. I just want my closest friends to be present. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing the point on why I joined Toastmasters-- to improve my social skills, that is.

Mejo nalulungkot parin ako. Sana maging masaya yung party.

-----

Attending trainings on Sat to prepare myself in selling insurance. Sa totoo lang, I'd rather go home. I have 2 interested buyers already, hindi ko pa natatapos yung briefing. Will be meeting Jer again on Monday. Dear Universe, gusto ko na pong yumaman. Sana ikayaman ko to.

-----

I just got the program flow for a friend's wedding that I'll be hosting on September. Puro pangalan ko yung nasa list, hindi naman ako yung ikakasal. Lol.

I'm from the groom's side. Naiistress ako na tinatanong nya saken kung anong bagay na kulay ng sapatos. Parang gusto kong magpa crash course about fashion.

Lahat ng formal shoes ng kapatid ko, black. Ni hindi ko alam na iba iba pala kulay nun.

Naisip ko lang, sadya bang nahihiya ang mga lalaking tanungin ang bride/gf nila tungkol sa kung ano magandang isuot?

I remember, no one from xyz ever asked me about shoes. Ang wirdo talaga ng mga lalaki.

-----

I heard so many bad things about this dude, it's hard to take risk. Pero kung lagi naman akong vigilant, anong mangyayari sa love life ko? Still... ewan.

Ok naman ako as is. Gusto kong hintayin- more like, hanapin- yung okay talaga para sakin. 

Sabi ni Chinnie, malalaman mo daw na tama ang napili mo depende sa amount ng peace na nararamdaman mo with that person.

Kung peace at peace rin lang, I think I found that peace already. Yun nga lang, yung taong involved, wala namang gusto sakin.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:02 PM.

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Obaachan
金曜日: May 24, 2019



My lola passed away this morning. Tita sent a message on our clan's gc. I'm still waiting for Mom's confirmation.

I'm still going to the party tonight, and to the trainings tomorrow.

...

Can you help me smile, Universe?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:50 AM.

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Getsu
月曜日: May 27, 2019



Monday home. We just had Lola's interment mass, and tomorrow will be her burial. My Tita Bebe, Dad's youngest sibling, is still locking herself up in her room, occasionally going out only to feed her dogs. Dad said she saw her the last time and she went crying which made him cry too. I guess children will always be children, no matter how old they get. I feel sorry for Tita and Dad and all their sibs.

In an article that Father Bob wrote, he mentioned about a mystic na kinikilala daw ng Catholic Church. Nakita na daw ng mystic na to nag Langit. When Fr. Bob asked how would we look like in heaven, the mystic said, we'll look 33 years old daw. Same sa age ni Jesus when he died. Iniisip ko, ano kaya ang hitsura ni Lola nung 33 yo sya?

There are money matters too. Well, not something Lola's children can't manage. Still, parang ang saya siguro if a time will come na when there's money problem in the family, I can tell them, "sige ako na bahala," and save the day. 

Speaking of money... for years, I've made countless attempts in making sustainable passive income, preferably with very little effort, kaya I spend money with great caution. At sa totoo lang, ayokong nagpapautang. For one, nahihiya rin kasi ako maningil.

So when a cousin told me she and her kids can't go here to Lola's because they don't have money, hindi ko sya pinautang. Binigay ko nalang. One of her kiddos is my inaanak rin kasi, and after her binyag, wala na kong naibigay, so maybe this is a compensation for the last 12 years na wala akong regalo.

Pero iba talaga ang langit. Ayaw pakabog sa pagiging generous.

Last club's anniv, I only paid 1 peso for my Grab from Mandaluyong to San Juan. Yes, only piso. Tapos sa party, nanalo pa ko ng 500 pesos sa raffle. Tapos, pauwi, sinabay pa kami sa Grab ng isa sa mga members at hindi na pinagbayad. All in all, lahat ng nakuha + natipid ko e lagapas pa dun sa binigay ko sa pinsan ko. Lol. Thank you, Universe.

---------

I came home yesterday at past 12 am. Since then, once ko lang sinilip ang kabaong ni Lola, split-second pa. I don't want to remember her being inside a casket. I want to remember her just as how she was during her healthy days. My Lola was very soft and she was always mabango. She was my last grandparent. Now I don't have a grandparent anymore.

-------

My cards these past few months kept showing knights. There were other players in the card too, but I'm pretty sure that recurring knight was you. Always just a knight. Never a king. Very far from being an emperor. 

I'm starting to have a taste of how you live your life, so sa tingin ko, naiintindihan ko na. Iniisip ko kung aware ka ba sa galawan ng mga babaeng nasa paligid mo. Since I'm a woman, it's pretty obvious to me. Ewan ko kung nakikita rin ba yun ng mga lalaki.

It's very rare that I see a woman na outright na malandi. By 'malandi', I mean that as a compliment. Malandi rin naman ako. Mas subtle nga lang.

So, I was in awe while watching this woman, trying to learn as much as I could. Her actions were bold, her intentions scream, and yet the guy involved seemed clueless. Style ba yun to keep her coming? Or sadyang dense lang ba yung guy? I don't know. It seemed to be working though.

This guy is malandi in nature. Kahit sakin malandi sya. But I see flirting as an adult, so it's nothing that I can't handle. He still have that R-ish feel in him though, and it bothers me sometimes.

-------

The men in my life, my dad and my brother, are both great men. This explains my high standards. Dad put mom's welfare above his own. Pag masakit at paa ni mama, minamasahe nya. Mom was never allowed to walk alone in the dark, dad will fetch her pag ginagabi sya. Dad never let Mom carry anything heavy. Pag nag-aaway sila at nag wo-walk out si Mama, laging syang hinahanap ni papa. And when they walk, Dad always keep Mom on the safer side of the road. Pagtumatawid, Dad always position himself to where Mom will be protected.

When brother got married, he became not so far as how Dad is as a husband. Though Brother is not perfect, I can say he's quite a good one. Pag may lakad kami, sya ang may pinakamaraming bitbit. Sya rin ang humaharang sa sasakyan pag kami tumatawid. He's the last one to get in the jeep or bus, to make sure everyone is already inside. He's the first to step down para alalayan ang lahat pababa.

Iniisip ko kung may mga lalaki pa ba na katulad ng tatay at kapatid ko. Sa tingin ko meron naman. I did met a few.

I always try not to feel disappointed pag hindi masyadong gentleman yung lalaking kasama ko. Siguro kasi hindi naman lahat ng lalaki e merong tatay na gaya ng sa amin, that's why they were never trained that way. 

Pero naiisip ko rin, bakit naman si Mentor? From what I know, his dad passed away quite early, pero kahit ganun, he grew up really well. He keeps me on the safer side of the road when we're together, and he always think of everyone's welfare pag magkakasama kami. To think na hindi pa sya straight nyan, pero mas gentleman pa sya sa mga straight na lalaking kakilala ko.

Pero alam ko naman na hindi ang pagiging gentleman lang ang basehan ng pagiging mabuting lalaki, that's why I never really close my door to those who are not.

Still, I think I want to find someone who is even half as good as my dad.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:53 AM.

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Basic
火曜日: May 28, 2019



May happy aftertaste pag kasama kita. Nalulungkot ako at the thought na wala ka. May gusto ba ko sayo?

This is supposed to be basic. Lol. 

Sinabi na kasi wag maglalalapit sa mga lalaking malalandi.

Well, at least, he's single.

Or is he?

-------

Will be back to work tomorrow. I have a few non-work related activities jotted this week. We were just talking. Looks like I won't be seeing him for a while. It feels odd that I'm missing this person.

I don't like this.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:57 PM.

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I eat rejection for breakfast
水曜日: May 29, 2019



Alam kong powerful ang words and I don't want to use this power against me, so I'm really trying to be careful here.

Jeez, ano ba ang pumasok sa isip ko at bakit ko naisipang pasukin ang pagiging financial advisor? Una sa lahat, hindi ko forte ang pakikisalamuha sa tao. Lagi akong kinakabahan at parang lagi akong constipated these days dahil dito.

But efforts have been made. Gumastos na rin ako and all. I really want to succeed on this at may part din sakin na nag wa wonder how far I can go if only I can conquer my fears. Hayst, ang sakit ng tiyan ko.

I made my first attempt na mang sales talk kanina. Sabi nila, "dream big, start small." So nag start ako dun sa potential client na nag display na ng interest sa product beforehand. Ayon, parang magbabago pa yata yung isip. Lol.

Ang suggestion dun sa manual, find 15 prospects, make 5 appointments, do 3 sales interview, in order to arrive in 1 sale. Per week ito ha.

Naglista na ako ng prospects. Binilugan ko yung 15 na uunahin ko. Iniisip ko palang na kakausapin ko sila isa isa, nag aaway away na yung internal organs ko. Huhu. Kaya ko to.

Nung highschool ako, inis na inis ako na ang PE namin e volleyball. Takot kasi ako sa bola. Nagkakaron ng sariling pag-iisip yung paa ko pag naglalaro. Utusan ko man syang pumirmi sa kinatatayuan ko, pilit syang tumatakbo twing papalapit na yung bola.

Ilang beses na rin akong tinamaan ng bola. Hindi naman ganun kasakit. Tipong kahit paulit ulit pa kong tamaan, kaya ko paring hindi indahin. Kahit alam kong tolerable naman ang pain pag tinamaan, hindi ko alam kung bakit lagi parin akong tumatakbo pag papalapit na yung bola.

Siguro ang rejection e parang volleyball. Alam mo namang hindi ganun kasakit kahit tamaan ka, pero tinatakbuhan mo parin.

Pero sa tingin ko, ito lang talaga yung way. 

--------

Pag may kaibigan ka na after mong bigyan ng financial advice about life insurance e kaibigan mo parin, keep them.

True friend yan.

Char.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:18 PM.

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木曜日: May 30, 2019



Siguro yung mga ganitong bagay e pinag-iisipan muna. Hinahayaang mag sink in, tas saka na kikilos kung anong pwedeng gawin.

Was just talking to the boss. Said the client's closing Japan lines. Tentative date is June 30. Meaning, wala na kong trabaho. Kung ako lang, I'd pretty much use this to have a time off and think. But I can't do that. I have a family to feed. I already texted Mom. I kinda feel sorry.

The account said I can stay with APAC support and said they'll retain the salary package daw. That's very nice of them. And the people are very nice too, pero...

I don't know. 

Was checking jobstreet. There seem to be a lot of jobs related to mine that can offer higher compensation. Even just the thought of repeating the whole application process exhaust me.

Sana pwedeng hindi nalang ako magtrabaho pero kumita parin ng pera kahit wala akong ginagawa. Don't get me wrong. I love to work and I'm willing to. Sadyang ayoko lang talagang maging empleyado.

Ilang insurance ba ang kailangan kong ibenta para di na ko magtrabaho? E kung magsulat kaya ako ng libro, mabebenta ba na parang hotcakes? E kung mag-asawa nalang kaya ako ng mayaman? Lol.

Sa ngayon, hindi pa naman ako nag pa panic. Baka mamaya pa. Still, I need to arrive at a decision bago mag June, because by then, I only have 30 days to solve this. 

Good Heavens, help me.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:18 AM.

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Rely
木曜日: May 30, 2019



Minsan, ok lang naman talaga. Kaya ko naman mag-isa.

I'm used to fixing my own sh*t, you know. All cool, I can manage. Pero minsan, mas masaya siguro kung hindi ka mag-isa. Kung meron isang kaluluwa (hopefully, buhay) na kukunin ang ilan sa emotional baggages mo at sasabihing, "bitbitin ko na yan, para hindi masyadong mabigat". Yung ganun.

Self-reliant naman ako, pero kahit ganun, gusto ko parin ng someone na I can rely on to.

------

Revived my dating app account. Ang gulo kasi nung "dating" sa Facebook. Hindi ko ma gets ang setup. So I'm back to the good old app. Updated all my pictures. Keber na kahit antataba ko dun. Infairness, ang ku-cute naman ng mga nag like.

Lol. Ang gulo na ng buhay ko, dume-dating app pa ko. What the eff.

Gusto kong iapply yung natutunan kong formula dun sa financial consulting manual. 15-5-3-1.

Like 15, Chat 5, Date 3... then who knows, maybe I'll stumble to the "One" eventually. Kainis lang, hina ng data.

----

It's 10:24pm. Takte, di na naman ako makatulog.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:28 PM.

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Evening bus and wrong-sents
土曜日: June 1, 2019



I love bus rides at night. The flow is smooth and I love the feel of the night wind of my face, how the surroundings move while I sit there still.

My late friend, Cristina, had a rough life when we were in hs. She once told me na minsan daw, sumakay sya ng train, bumaba sa pinakadulong station kahit hindi naman dun ang way nya pauwi. All because she didn't want to go home yet.

I was tempted to do the same kanina. Parang ang sarap bumaba sa kung saan man ang dulo ng pupuntahan nung bus kahit malayo yun sa inuuwian ko. Wala lang. To buy time, maybe.

I did get down to the right station though. Got past the house at nagpalipas ng oras sandali sa may Angel's burger (ang sarap ng hungarian hotdog nila, btw). Matapos kumain, inisip ko pa kung lalakad pa ba ko farther away home o uuwi na.

It's easy to give in to drama twing may problema, instead of solving it as any evolved individual would. Siguro hindi pa ko evolved. Kung tutuusin, I'm not even in a bad place.

I trained myself not to give too much premium on how I feel. I know feelings change and it can never serve as a strong foundation kung dun ko ibe-base ang pagkatao ko. 

Pero siguro, hindi rin healthy kung palagi mo nalang ini-ignore yung nararamdaman mo. 

I'm confused, I'm scared, and I don't know what to do. There. I said it.

Sinubukan ko rin namang lunurin to sa positive thinking, hindi lang umubra. Siguro may mga bagay talaga na kailangan mo munang i-acknowledge ang existence bago mo ma-conquer.

Tama ba? Di ba sinabi na God, "pag mabigat na, bigay mo sa akin, ako na ang bahala." Alam ko naman pong wala pa akong ginagawa, pero pwede bang iabot ko na lahat sa'Yo to at Ikaw na ang bahala?

---------------

"Sige anak. Magingat ka."

I sent a message to my mother telling her a supposed training was cancelled so I'm going home earlier than planned. Then this reply came, only bearing a different number.

Takte, wrong sent. Sa dinamidami ng number na masesendan ko, bat sa lalaking to pa? Gusto kong mag welga at sabihing, kay mama ko sinend yan! Nagkamali lang! Hindi ako nakikipaglandian sayo! Wahhhh!

But the more I tried to explain the more I sounded guilty, so I simply replied, "mali lang," to which the guy said, "haha palusot." Grrrrrrr!

This wasn't the first time that something like this happened, and on all occasion, sadyang wrong sent lang talaga, no hidden agenda.

I don't fake "wrong-sents" just to get a man's attention. That's very childish. Surely, I used to do that when I was younger, but not anymore. Hindi naman ako na ro wrong send sa ibang tao, feeling ko tuloy, pinagti tripan lang kami ng langit nitong taong to.

Nilalapit mo lang ba ko sa lalaking to, Universe? Or nilalayo?

Hmmp, balakajan.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:34 AM.

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« 2019/04 · 2019/06 »
C I N D E R E L L A A R E U S
"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep"

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私の名前はZです。

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