Entries for June, 2019



Itami to negai
日曜日: June 2, 2019



Sitting by the bed, looking at the bright sky through my window. I'm starting to feel a little more hopeful. 

Been feeling down for days. Hindi ko kasi alam kung ano bang dapat kong gawin with my life. But maybe all I need to do is to take it one day at a time. Start walking, beat inertia, and keep the ball rolling. That's what I intend to do, and I'm thankful that I still have this little hope in my heart.

Magiging maayos din ang lahat.

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My brother is the reason why I involved myself in this whole insurance thing in the first place, kaya dapat lang na sya ang una kong customer. Lol.

Was discussing with him the products fit for his budget. He already made his pick, but before signing up, he asked his wife first.

My brother is so far from being scared of his wife, pero kahit ganon, he always consult her first and they always make decisions together.

They ended up picking the product with higher protection than savings, to which sis-in-law said, "baka naman porket alam mong malaki makukuha namin, magkapakamatay ka na kagad nyan." To which I laughed.

Even back when they're still bf and gf, I never doubted my sis-in-law's love for my brother. It keeps me in awe sometimes. I mean, how can it be possible to love someone so imperfect, tas hindi pa gwapo? Lol. I've seen her cry many times too, yet, she's still there.

I've witnessed how their marriage has gotten so much better this past few years. It made me think that maybe marriage, or love in general, is about endurance. Wala sa level ng kilig na nararamdaman nyo, kundi sa extent na kaya nyong i-endure at i-commit for the relationship.

Ang dami kong natututunan sa paligid ko, maiaapply ko man lang kaya ito sa buhay ko balang araw? Lol.

Years ago, I wrote a list of wish na sineal ko at binuksan ulet nung 2011. One of the wishes I wrote is for my brother to find a woman na magmamahal sa kanya ng totoo. Torpe kasi ang kapatid ko dati. Akala ko nga, hindi sya makakapag asawa. When I opened it 2011, he and his now-wife had been going steady for years already. Natupad yung wish ko.

Bad trip lang, hindi ko naisipang mag wish para sa sarili kong love life noon. Back then, I was confident that Someone and I were going to end up together forever. I did wish for our individual happiness though, na in a way, natupad naman. We were happy in 2011. Separately, that is.

Is it too late to wish again? Well, I don't know.

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Sabi nila, pag inoffer mo daw ang hurts mo sa langit, pwede ka daw makapag ligtas ng kaluluwa sa purgatoryo. Sa dami ng hurts na nai offer ko, feeling ko nga, wala nang kaluluwa sa purgatoryo.

"Masaya ka ba na alam mong may nasasaktan ng dahil sayo?" Someone used to ask me this. It took me a while to get what he meant. It was a lesson I can never unlearn.

Ikaw, masaya ka ba?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:42 AM.

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Rid
月曜日: June 3, 2019



"Does it make your heart pound whenever she's around, tortures you whenever she's not, drives you slightly insane at the thought of her being with another guy, and now that you're apart it makes your heart ache so much you can hardly breathe?

Pare, you're in love with her."

Read this somewhere back in hs. Ctto. Sobrang nacute-an ako, namemorize ko. Lol.

Lalaki yung nagsulat nito, so I wonder if men are like this in general. I can't say women are the same. I think we're slightly different. Or baka ako lang. Idk.

I was a Civil Engineering student for 5 years. Every sem, square root lang ng klase ang pumapasa. Kung hindi ka magsisipag, kasama ka sa babagsak. So I was trained to take studying seriously. This became my training ground into becoming a workaholic.

First 5 years of my professional life, I spent like a robot. I was cool with it. It makes me proud and happy doing a job well done. It was only when I got here in my current job that I learned how to chill.

But the workaholic in me hasn't died yet.

It was a particularly busy weekend, ni hindi ko na nadiligan ang mga halaman ko. As far as I know, I don't easily get distracted when busy, pero...

"drives you slightly insane at the thought of her(him) being with another guy(girl),"

You said you were out for a movie. Date ba yan? Romantic date? Sino kasama mo? Kilala ko ba? Kayo na ba? Man, this is annoying.

I wonder if I really like this guy, because if so, that's stupid. Okay, don't get me wrong. He's a fine guy. It's just that, he's so much like ***. It's like nadapa ka in a place, only to find another very similar place para madapa ulit. That's not a very wise thing to do. Not wise at all.

Pero baka wala lang naman. Maybe there's really nothing worry about. I remember the relationship coach discussed about this before. It's easy to like a person daw based on proximity. Maybe a little distance will do the trick.

Jeez, ang weird. Why do I always treat feelings like a problem that should be solved or get rid off? Is this even normal?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:38 AM.

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Not Tuesday
月曜日: June 3, 2019



The day will be over in an hour, yet I already feel like it's Tuesday.

I just got an email from a company. Said they saw my profile and is asking if I'm interested to apply to their job openings. It's around my expected salary, twice my current. The only problem is that it says, "willing to permanently transfer to Cebu."

Anlabo. In the past I was all, "I want to live in Cebu" and sh*t, and yet now that the opportunity is here, I just can't hit the reply button.

Juice colored. Eto na naman tayo.

I feel so weird lately. One moment, I feel giddy about the endless possibilities that could happen if I embrace change. Then another moment, I feel all consumed by fear and anxiety at the thought of what could happen if things won't go well. Parang ngayon, kinakain na naman ako ng pag-aalala. Pero ano bang worst na pwede mangyari?

Kahit tamad na tamad ako, I did send out applications. Ayun, walang pumansin sakin. Ayoko munang kabahan since kakasend ko lang naman kahapon. 

The companies I've sent my applications to are mostly around the area lang. All either in Cubao or Ortigas. Lahat day shift. Truth is, I'm just considering the club. Surely, I wasn't all happy when I was elected as an officer. It's just that, our incoming President interests me. I'm liking the way he handles the position so far. I want to learn from him as much as I could. Besides, he's an agriculturist. Someone legit. Unlike me who's just winging it when it comes to my plants. 

One time, he showed me a picture of a very cute plant, mukhang echeveria, but different. When I asked magkano bili nya, he said mura lang, only to find out na it costs as much as my most expensive plant. Lol.

It's not every day that you get to meet people who live the life you want to live, know the things you want to know, and have the chance to even work with them. I can't just let this pass me by.

Sana makahanap ako ng work around the area. Sana petiks din so that I will have time to do my other activities. Yung ang sweldo e mga 3x ng sweldo ko ngayon para masaya (mag wi-wish ka na rin lang, itodo mo na).

Worse comes to worst, I might end up just staying here, which is not really that bad. People here are very nice. Still, I wish to land to the best possible option.

--------

It's our first council meeting tomorrow. Ok, let's do this!



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:47 PM.

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1053
水曜日: June 5, 2019



My phone was busy for the past couple of days that it kinda worried me how its already past 10 and I'm yet to recieve any call. Then I remember, holiday nga pala.

Was put on a phone interview with a native Japanese yesterday. Said they're looking for a certified N2 level. That's near native. I'm only N3 level, intermediate. They asked if they can assess me through a phone call, so I said, "go ahead". Naitindihan ko naman sya. Feeling ko naintindihan nya rin naman ako. Iniisip ko kung sapat na ba yun. Hindi ko alam.

Paulit ulit din sila sa kakatanong if willing ba akong mag work sa BGC, kaya paulit ulit ko ring sinagot na prefer ko ang Cubao, QC or Ortigas area.

Sabi nila beggars can't be choosers. I do agree. But I'm not a beggar. I have a value to offer. I want to believe that I can get my terms if only I demand for it. I also think that the best way to kill your chances of getting what you want is by settling to something else. Iniisip ko kung hanggang saan ako dadalhin ng ganitong thinking.

I got an email today asking me to keep my phone lines open within the 48 hrs. This company is in Ortigas. I really hope I can get this one on my terms. It's already 10 hrs since they sent the email. Well, again, holiday rin naman kasi today.

I read an article about how one shouldn't worry. And I'm trying, you know. Really trying.

-------

1st execom last night. 3 years in the club and I felt like this was the most different execom I've had and that is in a good way. I do miss being annoying when I'm with my friends who were also officers back in the day. I can't go all out maldita with these people just yet, but I think I'm liking this bunch so far.

I'm a little worried though about the uncertainty of my future. The scope of my role as the VPE is wide, it can affect a lot of of things in the club. I know I can't withdraw from the position that easily. I just hope we don't need to arrive on that. Iniisip ko pa lang, nalulungkot na ko.

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Sana bago matapos ang month na ito, or maybe ang week na to, sana maayos na ang lahat.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:19 AM.

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"Ate"
水曜日: June 5, 2019



He was 14 when we met 16 years ago. I was probably at fault too. I made some useless promise. He was just a boy. I was just teasing him.

B: tanda ko pa noong kinarga kita noon.
Z: nakarga mo ko? Kinaya mo? Lol.

I honestly don't remember that part. He probably did though. He was quite strong for a 14 years old. 

I used to be very fond of him. He was kind and accommodating. But now, it can't be the same anymore.

"Ang ganda mo talaga, Ate." (He probably has an eye problem).
"Miss na kita, Ate."
"Bakit hindi mo na ko pinapansin, Ate?"

Takte, may pa ate ate ka pa, tas sesendan mo ko ng mga half-naked pictures mo?

Pigilan nyo ko, sasapakin ko to.

...

I can be all cool naman talaga. We were, after all, friends. It's just that, even if he's now 30, I still remember him as a 14 year old. I can't help but feel all creeped out when he's being all flirty like this. Parang pedophile e. Alam mo yon? Kadiri!

...

Then I remember that the guy that my eyes are currently set on to is even younger than him. What the eff.

Damn, we really need to wake up from this soon, Z.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 05:11 PM.

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White flag
木曜日: June 6, 2019



Wahhhhhh!!! Ayoko naaaaaaaa!!!

Putek, 4 days palang akong job hunting mode, depressed na depressed na ko. T_T

Kung tutuusin, kamamatay lang ni Lola. Ang daming nangyayaring kaguluhan, hindi na ako nagkaron ng pagkakataong magluksa.

Parang you just recieved a hard blow from the Universe, tas hindi ka pa nakakatayo, eto na naman yung isa.

They say good and bad things come in 3. May paparating pa bang isa?

Well, ok lang naman. Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako. Maybe what's stressing me out is how I put so much effort to appear put together when I feel like a wreckage inside.

I haven't tell anyone other than my family, you know. That's why it adds up to my stress when friends invite me go out and I have to say no. It's not that I don't trust my friends. I just don't have the energy to explain things right now.

Pak this. Gusto kong magpaka layu layo.

I wonder if I should I just go to Cebu.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:57 AM.

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Problems and gifts
金曜日: June 7, 2019



"Kung date, date lang, wag mo aalukin ng insurance."

-kaibigan kong bugaw. 

Putek, natawa ko dun. Lol.

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Almost a week of very little sleep. I'm perpetually insomniac, so this is not really new. I did have a little more sleep yesterday though.

I had to take a call before leaving so I missed the start of the mass last night. I was in Quaipo. It took more than an hour travel from my work place, pero sulit naman. I love Quiapo.

When I got there, I was suprised na all-star cast ang mga pari. There was about 10 priests up in the altar, which was weird. 

I went there for the purpose of buying a new rosary and have it blessed. Mine got broken kasi. Bilang lahat ata ng pari sa Quiapo e nagmimisa, wala akong mahagilap na mag be bless ng rosary ko.

I asked every staff, security guard, and volunteer na nakasalubong, all of them said that I can try to wait until the mass ends, but it's not likely daw na nabeblessan yung dala ko since may healing mass pa.

The church smelled like omega pain killer when the mass ended. I got all perplexed when people started lining up. Tas when they get to face the priest and the priest put some oil on them, bigla nalang silang natutumba. Kahit hindi ko naiintindihan kung anong nangyayari, nakipila na rin ako.

Maraming tao sa Quipo. Past 7 na. Sabi ng binilhan ko ng rosary, pwede ko daw isawsaw nalang dun sa may sawsawan ng daliri sa may pinto ng simbahan. Kahit malibag na, sinawsaw ko na rin. Pinahid ko rin yung ibang oil na natira sa kamay ko dun sa rosary, thinking na baka maging healing rosary na sya. Kahit na nabasa na ng holy oil at holy water yung rosary ko, hindi parin ako satisfied.

I waited till the anointing of oil ends. Isa isa nang umaalis ang mga tao. I noticed some of the priest are already washing their hands and leaving. Kaya sinundan ko  yung isa. Ang bilis magkalad ni Father, hinabol ko sya hanggang makapasok sya dun sa pinto. Pakikiusapan ko sana yung guard na tawagin sya para i-bless yung rosary ko, but he instead motioned me to the man standing beside me.

Hinabol habol ko pa yung naglalakad papalayo e nasa tabi ko lang pala yung hinahanap ko. 

The priest who had been standing beside me laid his hand on the rosary on my hand. The guard handed him the holy water, at ayun, I got what I wanted. Minsan, ang far-sighted talaga natin no?

Whenever I have problems or heartbreaks, I feel like it's just God's way of calling me back to Him. It is during desperate times kasi na mas mahahaba at mas heartfelt ang mga dasal natin.

Ano bang worst na pwede mangyari?

Ano bang worst na pwede mangyari na hindi ko kaya?

Hindi naman siguro talaga dapat mag-alala.

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We are few hours to the weekend. A few weeks from now will be Mom's birthday. We're planning to go to a hot spring in Laguna together with some family friends. Overnight.

Multitasking is never my forte, that's why it goes that I can only feel very few things at a time. Now that my dominant emotion is that of worrying, I find it hard to feel excited about an event that I could've felt excited about if only things are different.

But I'm thankful for the life of my mother. I forever will be.

And despite all the chaos that's going on inside my head, my heart is still grateful. I've been in really dark days before and from those days I learned that problems do not go without blessings along with it. Parang yung sabi ni Richard Bach, "there is no problem without a gift for you in its hands. We seek problems because we need their gifts."



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:07 AM.

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Doyoubi no yume
土曜日: June 8, 2019



Home on a Saturday. I love this place. I should be doing a lot of things, but my body is refusing to move. Since I got here, I just ate, watched YouTube and slept. How productive.

Mom called me out from my room telling me to go down and eat merienda. When she heard me yawning non-stop, she took pity and told me to just sleep. I love my mother.

You know what, I love my life. I'm pretty content. I think I have all I truly need. So why bother to work hard? Because I don't want to be just this.

The Heavens had given me so much. He created me a hyper-talented, wonderful, fully-functional human being. I think I should do my part.

Just give me a few hours-or maybe a couple of days-to recharge, and then I'll bounce back up.

I want to bring my family to beautiful places while my parents can still walk. I want to bring them to different countries, eat good food in good restaurants, buy them beautiful things, etc. Sana talaga magawa ko to.

Dad is getting old and he seems to get weaker day by day. I need to hurry up. I want to be always reminded of this dream so I wouldn't forget. Again, sana talaga magawa ko to.

I missed 3 calls last Friday. Takte naman kasi, buong umaga akong naghintay ng tawag tas kung kelan di ko pinapansin yun cellphone ko, saka nyo ko tatawagan? 

But this raised my hopes high. I wish that the Heavens will give me the job that is best fit for me down to my last specification, just as how He did 6 years ago. Sana bago matapos ang June, makita ko na yun.

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Sa dami ng iintindihin, hindi ko alam kung pano ko ba isisingit ang pag-ayos sa love life kong hindi naman nag eexist. I know this shouldn't be my last priority since I do want to build my own family. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung nagfa function pa ba ang ovaries ko. Lol.

I don't know why I don't find it in my heart the need to rush even when the world is telling me that I should. I wish that the Heavens can just do all the work for me.

A few days back, bff reported that she's already pregnant. That's a fil-am beauty forming inside her belly, I'm excited to see how the kiddo will look like.

I don't really see bff as a friend, you know. To me, she's family. I used to dream that we can live as neighbors and have our children grow and become bestfriends also. She now lives in Malaysia, and I don't even have a child yet, so i don't know if that can ever happen.

Still, I wish I will get to know the kid when he/she grows up and have him/her treat me like her own Tita.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:58 PM.

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Prelude
水曜日: June 12, 2019



I stumbled upon this old post, dated April 6, 2015.

Very timely indeed.

insides

was at the grand easter feast earlier (technically yesterday, since its 1:08 am already) that took place in MOA arena in the far-off island of Pasay. I hate how most of my weekend events will take me 2 hours or so travel before i get to the venue. though i hate the traffic jam, noise, pollution and all, still, sometimes i wish i live somewhere around metro manila instead.

The alabang feast builder, Mike Viñas proposed to his girlfriend during the worship. she said "yes" and they all proceeded to the program as usual. i remember someone asked me how i want to be proposed to. i didnt answer though i had an answer in mind all along. i guess i was expecting him to read my mind hoping he know me well enough to know what i like and dont like. now, he will never know the answer. 

oh R, we're growing old. where are you??

gawd, this is pathetic.

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i took a leave to see the doctor by mon(technically today). kaso nakakatamad. i found that salabat tames the burning sensation due to GERD so i gave it a try and it seem to work. i think id skip seeing the doctor for now. im craving for sleep. yet im not sleeping yet. i dont know. brother said, he use to be like that, wanting to spend the day sleeping and all. pero sabi nya, iba na daw ngayon. mas gusto nya na daw laging gising. ang dami na daw nya kasing gustong gawin para sa anak nya. siguro ganun talaga ang ginagawa ng mga major changes sa buhay. binabago ka rin as a person, and from there, you will never be the same again.

sa tingin ko gusto ko rin ng ganung klaseng pagbabago.

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was watching "a thing called tadhana" earlier and this part caught me:

Mace: Aren’t we supposed to be great by this time?
Mace (proposing a toast): To the great people we could have been.
Anthony: Parang ayaw ko naman yatang mag-cheers dyan.
Mace: To the great people we are today.
Anthony: Sinungaling.
Mace: To the great people we will be?
Anthony: To the great people we will be.

apparently, hindi lang pala ako ang may ganitong thoughts about greatness. hindi lang pala ako yung nag-wa-wonder(or nadi-disappoint) kung baket hindi pa ko great. at hindi rin lang ako yung umaasa at naniniwala na someday magiging great din ako. pati yung script writer ng movie na to ganun din. or siguro marami pa out there na nagiisip din ng ganito. kung isa ka sa kanila, CHEERS!

sighs. sa totoo lang, im a simple soul. i find joy in little things. like dining with my family. or reading a good book with my dog curled up in my lap.or when i feel the wind blowing in my face. sa mga ganitong moments ko naiisip na i have all i need. i am content with what i have.... but im not content with what i am. ewan ko kung conceited lang ba ko, pero pakiramdam ko kasi, i can be more than this. better than this. that i can do more. that i can be great. ganun. ewan ko. haist. iniisip ko kung ano bang hinihintay ko para magsimula.
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im happy to skip monday at work. but i know i cant skip the rest of the work week. naalala ko ulet tuloy yung line sa a thing called tadhana nung sinabi ni anthony, "Pag nagkakapera ka, diba parang gusto mo na lang gumawa ng pera? Tapos mare-realize mo…Eh, 8 years na pala." know what, i think im becoming something i was so scared to become.
--
Today, i found out that the cousin who took the same course as i took will be needing to repeat another year because he had been skipping classes. i was rehearsing the things im going to tell him once i meet him so as to motivate him on doing better than this. but then again i realize, ive lost the authority to speak about this profession the moment i decided to change my path. i dont know if he'll still find me credible after what became of me now. i could recite in front of him all the things ive achieved over the past years relating to my old profession, but i no longer have them. i do not belong there anymore. ive lost the credibility to speak about it-- or am i just being hard on myself?  i think, i dont care anymore.
--
2:14am.. oh look, im drifting off...



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:10 PM.

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Interlude
水曜日: June 12, 2019



These past few days had been a rollercoaster ride. One moment, sigurado na ko sa gagawin ko, and then the next, my gut feel would once again decide against it. Pwede kayang magpatangay nalang ako sa agos? Di ba sabi ni Bruce Lee, "be like water"?

A couple of weeks more and June will be over. Ang labo parin ng kinabukasan ko.

Was at the rookies induction earlier. I had a little convo with my seatmate who is an ECE grad. Said he didn't make it to licensure exam and it got him heartbroken. He worked in Singapore, now working in sales at a water company where one of my college friends is working as an engineer. I told him we almost have the same story, yung labo labo yung career path?

Yesterday, I met a woman who was an entertainer in an omise in Tokyo. She has a 3-year old half-Japanese son and was married to a Japanese by an arranged marriage, but they got divorced. Since there's no divorce here in the Philippines, she's still carrying her former husband's surname. She's now trying her luck in finding a normal job. Said she had to leave her job as a mamasang in Makati because she had to take care of her kid. Her worry is that, she never had a formal education.

Most times, I've been feeling down-hearted these days, pero natuwa ako na nameet ko tong mga taong to. Naisip ko lang na lahat naman ata tayo may struggles sa buhay, at siguro ayun yung nagpapaganda sa mga kwento natin.

Pero syempre pag ikaw yung right at the point of struggling, mahirap naman talagang isipin tong mga bagay na to.

I have 1 more ace left. Pag wala parin to, hindi ko na alam. 

Siguro nga magiging maayos din naman ang lahat, pero pwede bang mai-fastforward nalang ako dun sa time na yun?

Hayst.

Lord, can you give me a hug?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:30 PM.

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Postlude
木曜日: June 13, 2019



Another call. Lahat ng ayaw ko sa setup ng trabaho nasa kanila except sa location. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ba ko umoo to go to the interview. Sayang pamasahe. Takte, laki na ng nagagastos ko sa grab. Itigil ko na kaya to?

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I'm feeling worse day by day I'm starting to wonder if I need to see a doctor already. I feel so bad most of the time, it no longer feels normal.

Will be seeing Injan next week. She's one of my most favorite human beings. I remember when we were in highschool, sa taong iyon ako laging umiiyak. Sya ang paborito kong iyakan at pagsabihan ng problema. Hindi kasi sya nag re-react. Uupo lang sya do'n with a neutral look on her face and wouldn't bother to offer any advice whatsoever. I love her for that. Pagkatapos kong umiyak, nagagawa na naming magkwentuhan at magtawanan na parang walang nangyari. Kaya naman paborito ko si Injan.

I guess I need someone who will hear me right now. I know Injan is the only one perfect for the job. I'm sure she wouldn't attempt to console me, or offer solutions I don't even need. I wonder why other people do that- you ask for their ears and they'll give you more things to think about. I think Injan is the only one who get it. 

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I was reading Neri Miranda's post about her son. Siguro nasa sensitive mode lang ako ngayon, pero naiyak lang ako sa post nya. So sweet that boy. 

Damn, I really want to build my own family already. But instead that, I spend my time fixing my life, I can't even reply to the messages from the dating app.

...

Gaano pa ba ako kalayo sa mga bagay na gusto kong makuha? I wish I can take a peek on the future para at least I know whether what I want is really up in the horizon. Kasi kung hindi, at least I can already move on to something else. Talaga bang tayo ang pumipili ng future na gusto natin?

...

Maybe this is just PMS.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:36 PM.

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Involve
木曜日: June 13, 2019



"It is with a heavy heart that I have to decline your invitation." 

Sabi ng isang blogger na finafollow ko dati sa tumblr, malalaman mo daw na tama ang decision mo depende sa amount ng peace na nararamdaman mo.

I always feel that peace everytime I say 'no' to a company. Pero kahit ganon, I'm far from being at peace at the thought of supporting an english account. So, Lord, ano nang gagawin ko?

Currently waiting for the others to arrive. It will be our Executive Committee Meeting in about an hour. I arrived early. Funny, when I got here, I saw the office of the company that I just said 'no' to. Feeling ko sinasabi nya saking, "ako nga pala yung kompanyang sinayang mo." Lol.

I just got a link from another co for an online exam. Astig. Online. I already told them I can't answer this today since I have a meeting. I was given until Saturday. This co is in BGC but I found the role interesting since this is sort of managerial and I don't have to deal with customers. I only need to coordinate with the j-bosses. They might need higher level Japanese skills for this though, pero subukan na rin naten.

I once read, or maybe heard, something that went like, "live a life of least resistance." Control freak as I am, I find this as a challenge. Pero siguro right now, ayun lang rin naman talaga ang pwede kong gawin.

Pag natapos to, siguro magiging super better person na ko. 

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Iniisip ko kung mali ba na ininvolve pa kita. Hindi na rin kasi ako makakilos ng maayos. Hindi ko parin kasi talaga ma-sort out ang mga bagay bagay bilang hindi pa rin kasi maayos ang lahat sa buhay ko ngayon.

Kaya iniisip ko kung mali nga kaya na ininvolve pa kita.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:37 PM.

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Bull
金曜日: June 14, 2019



Friday. At kung ang buhay ay stockmarket, nasa bullish side na naman ako. Parang kahapon lang, bear ako. Idk.

TM night tonight. I'm yet to memorize my speech. Nakakatamad.

I was just answering an online exam. Failed to finish it on the designated time so I asked for an extension. I don't know if they will let me. Feeling ko gusto ko tong work na to. Sana makuha ko. 

I got another invitation to take an online exam. I need to memorize my speech pa so I asked if pwede sa Monday nalang. Minsan ang questionable talaga ng priorities ko sa buhay.

I'm kinda feeling high and hopeful again. Pero pag high and hopeful kasi ako naiisip na naman kita. Pero alam ko naman na lumilipas din ang mga ganitong bagay, kaya siguro ok lang. 

Bakit kaya natin ginagawa to no? Pinapalipas lang ang damdamin. Iniisip ko kung parehas ba to sa pagpapalipas ng gutom. Hindi healthy. Well, siguro. Pero sa ngayon, I don't think I can really do anything about it anyway. I can only go with the flow and be like water. Do you get me? 

Hayyyst. Makabalik na nga lang sa down and worried mode.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:10 PM.

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Nande ane
金曜日: June 14, 2019



"Ask and it will be given to you."

Siguro totoo nga, kasi kahit nakita ko na yung questions, the hr asked for another email so that they can give me another link for the exam. Bilang alam ko na yung tanong, it took only about 10 mins to answer the 1st 13 items. Then yun 4 na natitira, 1 hr at 15minutes kong sinagot. Epic. Naka restrict yung copy-paste so isa isa kong ni IME  yung kada kanji na di ko maintindihan. Sumakit yung kamay ko, daig ko pa nakipag suntukan. Tas nung na gets ko na yung tanong... takte, tumawa nalang ako. Lol.

Essay yung last 4 questions. Yung una, ang tanong e, anong gagawin mo kung si customer e nag request ng refund (more like a cancel fee), pero upon checking, nalaman mo na hindi sya eligible. Inexplain mo na lahat nung reasons at nag present ka na ng data, pero hindi nya tinanggap ang explanation mo. Sa last email ni customer, sinabi nya sa na "dahil sa klase ng support na binibigay nyo sakin, gusto ko na mag suicide." Yes, suicide. Inulit ulit ko pang icheck yung kanji, yun talaga yung sinabi nya, and it really happens naman talaga in Japan as far as I know. 

So kung ikaw ang nasa kalagayan ko, anong isasagot mo?

Lol. Kahit ata english or tagalog pa ang tanong na to, hindi ko parin alam kung anong isasagot ko.

I wonder how Meguri will answer this. If it had been Partner, he'll probably say, "suki ni shiro" or something worse.

Ask and it will be given to you.

If I'll ask them kaya to hire me regardless of the exam results, will they?

-----------

Sa totoo lang, nami miss ko naman yung taong yon. Pero pag kausap ko sya, ang bilis kong mairita. Ilang beses nya na bang sinabing, "grabe, galit agad?" Hindi ko rin alam e. Siguro kasi hindi ko maintindihan kung ano bang nagustuhan ko sa taong to. Hindi ba nakakairita? Lol.

Pero pwede rin na kaya nakakairita because of this lingering thought na baka may nilalandi syang iba.

He have all the right to do that though.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:54 PM.

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Nice
日曜日: June 16, 2019



Father's Day today and there's that foreign feeling that I'm having right now that I don't remember ever feeling before...

"Wouldn't it be nice if I have another human soul (alive, hopefully) to greet during Father's Day other than my dad and my brother?"

Been browsing fb for minutes already. I find the "Happy Father's Day" posts quite heartwarming specially from wives appreciating how such a wonderful dad their husbands are.

Until now, I'm still very clear on what I want.

My friend, ****, was single when I met her. We've been friends for 3 years and since day 1, she told me she wants to get married and build a family. And it took her less than a year to convince a guy to tie the knot. She was able to do it because she knew what she wanted and refused to settle on anything less. She stood her ground and told the guy. "Gusto ko magpakasal at gusto ko next year may anak na ko. Kung hindi mo ko pakakasalan, hahanap ako ng ibang magpapakasal sakin." And it wasn't a threat, but a promise. In the end, the guy yielded.

I think that's really how it works. You always get what you settle for. And if you want to get it faster, you really have to demand for it. But of course there's that risk of ending up empty-handed if you insist on getting what you want, pero ganun naman talaga yun. Siguro palakasan lang rin ng loob.

But yeah. Wouldn't it be nice?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 04:28 PM.

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Joyride
月曜日: June 17, 2019



Gusto ko ng joyride. Kahit hindi ako marunong mag drive, at wala naman akong kotse.

Past 9pm na nang dumating ako rito. I was fumbling for my keys, nang bigla kong naisipang bumili ng softdrinks. Meron naman sa kapitbahay, pero naglakbay pa ko sa paborito kong tambayan para bumili. Sa Angel's Burger.

Nakakatuwang tumambay sa Angel's Burger. Iba't ibang klaseng tao kasi ang nagagawi dun. Ang sarap nilang panoorin. Minsan may nakasabay akong bumili na isang pamilya na dumating doon na nakasakay sa kariton. Madumi yung suot nilang damit. Pumunta yung tatay sa may tindera at sinabing, "pabili nga ng dalawang foot long." Tapos nagsigawan yung mga anak nya ng "Pa, ako rin foot long! Ako rin foot long!" Hindi ko naman talaga alam, pero basta dama ko yung saya at pride nung tatay na alam nyang kaya nyang ibigay yung gusto ng mga anak nya.

Kaya naman saludo ako sa nagtayo ng Angel's Burger. Ginawa nyang mas abot-kaya ang burger at foot long para sa lahat.

Sana balang araw magtinda rin sila ng spaghetti. Yung kinse pesos lang pero lasang Jollibee.

--------

"Anak, uwi ka bukas, may alimasag."

Know what, I really love my mother.

I'm going to attend a seminar tomorrow that will last until 9pm so I can't really go home. Maybe on Wednesday. Then on Saturday, we'll be swimming in Laguna for Mom's birthday celebration. Ang sarap na kalimutan nalang lahat at i-look forward nalang ang mga masasaya at exciting na bagay na naka line up sa calendar ko. At kalimutan na less than 2 weeks nalang bago matapos ang buwan na ito pero wala parin akong nahahanap na bagong trabaho.

Hayst. Gusto ko mag joyride nang makalimot.

Lord, penging pera. T_T

---------

Ayoko ng feeling na naiinis. Hindi reasonable. Hindi productive. Hindi patas. Kaya naiinis ako na lagi nalang akong naiinis sa taong to. Parang hindi na maubos ubos yung inis ko.

Pero siguro, if there's someone I don't mind getting annoyed with, it could be you. 

And maybe pag hindi na kita gusto, hindi na rin ako maiinis sayo. But until then...

Naiinis ako na naiinis na naman ako sayo.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:31 PM.

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Mou kore ka na
火曜日: June 18, 2019



Sighs. Feeling ko alam ko na ang magiging kahihinatnan ng lahat ng ito.

2 calls. 1 emails. Countless text messages.

There is this company who's practically giving me the coverage of the exam. I clearly told them I don't have any background in those topics. They told me to just get through it until I progressed to the interview.

Ayoko ng nightshift. Siguro kaya ko naman. Ayoko lang. Gusto ko umattend ng club meeting. Gusto kong umuwi sa bahay pag Sabado at Linggo. Gusto ko mag leave paminsan minsan para mamasyal, o kaya sa KCON on November. At tsaka pag kailangan kong mag pitch sa mga company to offer financial consulting.

Tingin ko, alam ko na ang magiging kahihinatnan nito.

Was backreading old posts from 6 years ago and it reminded me na wala pala akong pinasang exam nung nag-apply ako sa company na to. Kahit nga medical, muntik ko nang ibagsak. My 1st x-ray showed my heart was enlarged. False alarm lang naman. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako na hire. I can only think that it's probably Meguri. If only he's working as a QM somewhere... 

Sinusubukan kong wag tingnan yung table ng benefits na sinend sakin nung company. Magaling ako sa math. Alam kong nasa 6 digits yun.

-----

Ano ba ang ginawa ko nitong nagdaang anim na taon? Sabi ko I'd stay here for 1 year, put up a company, then I'd be my own boss. It's not that I didn't try.

For the last 6 years, I've tried setting up 6 businesses. There were probably more, but I can only remember 6. Dahil sa I follow the dream-big-start-small rule, hindi naman ganun kalaki ang naging losses ko.

I just got an email from a museum kanina. They want to form collaboration with one of the businesses I put up in Facebook. They're asking for the rate. The go-getter in me is saying, "go for it". Pero, putek, realistic ba to?

You know what I'm really looking for? Gusto ko nang mapapang-asawa na I can have an equal partnership with. Yung kayang pantayan ang talent, skills at intellect ko. Yung medyo mas gutsy kesa sakin para sya yung mang eencourage whenever fear and doubt hit us both. And then together we will build businesses and grab opportunities that will come along our way. Feeling ko kasi mas madali kung may kasama kang nag-aalala at nagpe-press on sa kabila ng mga inhibitions nyong dalawa. Oo, it sounds like I'm looking more for a business partner than a husband. Pero parang ang saya kasi yung parahes kayong nagstart sa mababa and sabay kayong nag work on your way towards the top. And besides, pag mayaman na ko, I don't think I'd be willing to accept anyone with a lower net worth.

I don't put so much premium on my feelings, so I don't think it would be so hard. I just need someone who will meet my specifications and we'll be ready to go. I'm also a very loving person, hindi lang talaga halata. Ipis nga kaya kong mahalin, tao pa kaya.

Or am I just making things more complicated? Lol.

Bago ang lahat, kailangan ko munang humanap ng bagong trabaho.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:24 PM.

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Moshikashitara suki ja nai kamo
木曜日: June 20, 2019



10:24pm. Should be sleeping because I'll be meeting Injan very early tomorrow.

The week has been emotionally exhausting. I heard from a talk before that being an introvert has nothing to do with being shy. There are shy extroverts too. According to the talk, all of it has to do with one's energy. Introverts recharge their energy through solitude and exhaust it by socializing with people. Then extroverts are just the opposite. Through and through, I'm an introvert, and quite a shy one at that.

The entire week is fully booked I had to schedule things by the ffg week, that I kinda feel bad that when the next calls came, I had to schedule them around Wednesday already. There were invitations for the month of July also, but I couldn't commit to that yet. Kasi nga, naghahanap parin ako ng trabaho. Nasan na kaya ako by then? Sana talaga maging maayos ang lahat.

------

"Parang ayoko na mag engineer. Hehehe. Hanap ako Japanese(job) ulet. Yung chill lang sana tas mataas sweldo. Haha. Plano ko sana mag ipon muna kami ng asawa ko tas mag put up ng business. Naghahanap nga ko ng magandang business. May mare recommend ka bang pwede maging asawa? Ahahaha. Cheret."

This was my response when a friend asked about my plan now that they're closing the Japan lines at work. Her reaction was priceless. Ang dami daming similar jokes na nagkalat sa facebook, I can't believe she actually fell on that. Lol.

--------

I'm kinda getting a hang on FB's "dating" thingy. Not so bad naman pala, at ang dami ring cute. Let's see where this will go.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:48 PM.

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Chotto gurai jubun no koto omotte kangaenai no
金曜日: June 21, 2019



When upset, I try to remind myself of my own blood type.

B-positive.

Sighs.

I was just watching a Bo Sanchez vid on fb saying that God answers our prayers in 4 ways.

1. Yes. Here it is.
2. Yes. Wait for it.
3. No. That's not good for you.
4. No. Here's something better.

Ano kaya ang sagot ng Diyos sa dasal ko?

Hindi ko alam kung bakit lagi nalang shifting ang available na hiring for J-speakers sa Jobstreet. Kahit yung mga malinaw na nakasulat na "day shift" click bait lang pala. Shifting parin. With potential night shift. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pa ko hinayaan ni God na ma-elect ulet as an officer sa club kung hindi Nya naman pala ako papayagang makaattend sa mga meetings.

God, ano pong point?

Iniisip ko kung ito ba ay "yes, wait for it" or a "no, here's something better".

I said "no" to so many companies already though. Sighs. Iniisip ko palang na hindi na ko makaka attend sa meeting, nalulungkot na ko. 

--------

Met with Injan earlier. I was so happy to see her, I forgot why I've met with her in the first place. We've been friends since Grade 2. Tinatamad na kong bilangin kung ilang taon na yun, basta matagal na matagal na. We're practically sisters.

Injan didn't have so many relationships when she was single. She only had 2, and the first one, she didn't even met in person. Of course, the other one is her now husband. He's technically all her firsts. And you know how they met? Facebook. The guy just added her up though they didn't know eachother. They started chatting, became steady, got married and now they have a beautiful baby boy (with lovely eyelashes!).

Come to think of it, even the other people in my life have an almost similar story.

BFF met her husband in Filipinocupid. Brother and Sis-in-law were just textmates who became bf and gf even before they actually met. And yet, here am I insisting that I want someone I already know flesh and bones when I know naman na walang lalaking available sa circle ko.

Well, that's not entirely true. Marami namang available. Wala nga lang silang gusto sakin.

Kung ililista ko at susuriin ang mga lalaking nagustuhan ko nitong mga nakaraang taon, isa lang ang naiisip kong kanilang common denominator.

Proximity.

This girl can be easily lured by a person's presence. Yun lang naman talaga e. Kaya hindi ko alam kung paanong mag wo-work sakin ang dating sites, facebook, or texting.

I asked Injan how she did it. You know... finding herself a husband through Facebook. She said, "ako kasi accept lang ng accept (ng friend request)".

Iniisip ko tuloy kung ang future husband ko ba e kasalukuyang nakatengga sa listahan ng pending friend requests ko sa Facebook. Lol.

I also asked her how did she sustain the conversation. She said, "ewan ko. Boring nga ko e. Basta dapat lang consistent ka." Hindi ko alam kung anong ibig nyang sabihin. Paanong consistent? Consistently boring? Lol.

Siguro ang ibig nyang sabihin e "keep going". 

Keep going.

Kung mag iinvest din lang ako ng time in the hope that things will develop into something better kahit wala namang kasiguruhan, e bakit hindi nalang dun sa taong gusto ko talaga?

Pero kasi...

------

11:25pm na. Bukas ay aalis kami ng 4am papuntang Laguna. Dapat talaga natutulog na ko, pero nagsusulat pa ko dito. What the eff.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:27 PM.

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Ato isshukan
月曜日: June 24, 2019



"Don't judge people based on their past mistakes."

I was reading random entries from my archives and arrived at some particularly dark ones. The darkness had long been cleared, but remembering how I was back then still gives me a heavy feeling inside.

But the past can't hurt you anymore unless you let it.

I'm all sunshiney now. I feel like, people with dark clouds surely have more character--parang art, parang painting--pero character or not, I will never go back there.

--------

One week left. Wala parin akong pupuntahan. While on the bus last night, I had a realization na siguro dapat nagfofocus sa dreams at hindi sa fears. In a way, it gave me peace. 

When stripped of all the things we carry and weigh us down, siguro don natin malalaman na hindi lahat ng bitbit natin sa buhay e mahalaga.

Maybe I cannot control the thoughts entering my head, but I can always choose which ones I will allow to stay. Maybe I can't control who my heart will cherish, but I can always choose the ones I will nurture and the ones I will let go.

Maybe we have more power in our lives than we thought we do.

I don't want to put so much resistance anymore. 

I've decided.

I will be water.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:43 AM.

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Bare
月曜日: June 24, 2019



Kung hindi ko kailangang maging nice and civil, I do have opinions on things. There is this co that I already said no to because they said they're offering a nightshift position. Then they're calling me again telling me na dayshift naman daw. I don't know if I should trust these people.

I'm heading to a final interview after work. Mom have an issue with the name of the company. My mother is the most influential person in my life that's why I'm having a change of heart on this.

Nakalimutan ko kung anong schedule ko ng Tuesday. Baka matag ako ng no-show.

The co I'm seeing on Wednesday is something I'm really really interested to. Dapat nagpa appointment nalang ako ng Tuesday.

Thursday I've set for that co I don't trust. Sana mahire na ko by Wednesday so I wouldn't have to go.

I have a list of 4 others, isisingit nalang sa sulok sulok na oras kasi ano bang magagawa ko?

I asked the Heavens for a favor. It's more like a bargain. I said that if He'll give me an n-digit job, I'll give 10% of that to The Feast. I'm willing to accept a job even with half that amount though, so long as it's DAY SHIFT, MON-FRI lang at around Ortigas only or nearer home. 

If given 2 good choices, which one will you choose, the one that offers more money, or the one that offers more time? I feel abnormal because I'm pretty sure this girl will pick "more time" without batting an eyelash. Samantalang kailangan ko naman talaga ng pera.

My transition from a worried state to a wapakels state happened so quickly, I'm not so sure if this is even a good thing. You know the law of demand and supply? I feel like the tables have just turned. Of course I could be wrong. But I don't think I really care.

----------

"Ano bang hinahanap mo? Baka parehas tayo ng hinahanap. Pwede ba kitang mahalin?"

Hindi talaga ako nagmumura. At least never out loud. Pero putek, minsan parang mapapamura ka nalang talaga sa mga ganitong banat.

Sa ngayon, maghahanap nalang siguro muna ako ng trabaho.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:58 PM.

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Peel
月曜日: June 24, 2019



3rd post today. I just have some thoughts that I need to get out.

I had a final interview earlier at 7pm. This is the co whose name Mom doesn't like. I'm surprised that their office is actually posh. I think that alone will solve the problem.

I'm not so sure if they'll accept me though. The HR was good. He was the best I've seen so far. See, I'm good at packaging truths so I always, always get past the HR. But this HR was different. He was able to peel the packages off. I was surely taken aback, but I must say, I was also impressed. Single kaya sya? Lol.

------

Seeing my dream co tomorrow. Sana day shift. Sana maganda office. Sana malaki sweldo. At sana tanggapin nila ko.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:07 PM.

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Angels
木曜日: June 27, 2019



P: Ah, Toastmaster ka?
Z: Oo, Toastmaster ka rin?
P: Hindi. Yung prof ko dati pinapa attend kami. Di kami umaattend.
Z: Bakit?
P: Di ba speech, speech to? Mahiyaan kasi ako, na me-mental block ako pag nagsasalita sa harap.
Z: Ah, hindi mo trip...

*this was a job interview. Lol.*

Convo from the same dude 1 day earlier:

P: Hello. Is this Z?
Z: Yes po, speaking.
P: This is P from W. You applied for our company, right?
Z: **how the eff would I know?** A-ah... yes, yes. I think.
P: Ok. Please come for an interview at 11am tomorrow.

*most awkward phone convo ever*

PERO, pero, ang cute cute netong batang to. Lol.

Same day. Same co. Different dude.

T: You've been staying in (insert co name here) for so long. What made you stay?
Z: the people are very nice.
T: the people here are nice too. I'm sure you'll like it here.
Z: Oh, ok.

I think I like these people. They are laid-back and it feels familiar. I'll have a phone interview tomorrow directly from Japan. If all goes well... Well, I hope all goes well.

------

3 days before the month ends and technically, wala parin akong bagong trabaho. Mom said Dad is having a hard time peeing. He seems to be sick. Sis-in-law said she saw blood in Dad's pee, which made Brother confront him and convinced him to go and see a doctor. Dad hates medical check up. Can't blame him, I hate that too. Still, I'm glad that we have Brother to convince him to go. If it's just Mom and I, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't listen to us. Sis-in-law is a nurse so I ask her what could possibly be the problem. Either UTI daw or kidney stones. I hope this is really nothing serious.

With Dad being sick, it's clear that being jobless is not included in my options. I felt relieved that the Account Manager talked to me this morning and said I'll be staying in Japan support until Sept, to support  emails, and then after that, they can train me for the English account. Kung tutuusin, hindi naman talaga nila ako pinapaalis, to which I'm very very thankful.

------

Injan sent me a message regarding a job opening for j-speaker near her office. See, my Injan has two, and just two, facial expressions only: the smiling expression, and the no-expression expression. She only gives off the latter when she's tired or hungry, or when she doesn't agree with what you're saying. Other than that, she's always smiling. Injan always look unbothered. She never really look like she cares, but her actions always prove otherwise. That's why I love my Injan.

Then there's Meguri. I've sent him an email, sharing him the news about the Japan lines closing down. He then flooded me with text messages, still sounding like his old panicky self. He told me he'll endorse me to his friends in JK, a recruitment firm for multilinguals. I don't think that's really necessary pero nakaka touch parin how this person will always go out of his way to help me. He said he'll help me with mock calls and emails din in case I'll need that for my next job. He had long left the company. He never really have any obligations to me whatsoever, and yet, ayan sya, always eager to help. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sobrang bait ng taong to. Iniisip ko talaga, angel ba sya?

I may not be in an ideal place right now. But I think this is not really so bad. Iniisip ko na had I chosen to stay in my 1st co as an engineer, I wouldn't be having these problems right now. Pero kung hindi ko yun ginawa, hindi ko rin siguro makikilala yung mga amazing na taong nakilala ko these past 6 years. I just feel so thankful I can't find it in my heart to feel regret or even complain.

I've been having a hard time asking the Heavens for a specific prayer lately. May fear kasi na baka yung gusto ko, hindi pala best para sakin. So everyday, I pray that the Heavens will guide me so that every step I make will always lead me a step closer to success, prosperity, happiness, good health, and loving relationships. I think this is the best prayer I've ever tried so far. This is training me to be more trusting.

Out of the countless companies I've applied to, I only had 3 companies where I made it to the final level. The verdic will be around next week. Hindi ko alam kung matatanggap ba ko sa isa man sa mga ito. But in my heart, I trust that the Heavens knows what's best for me.

Magiging maayos din siguro ang lahat.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:15 AM.

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Skl
: June 27, 2019



Share ko lang. Ang cute e. Got this from FB.

More than "Finding Love" & "Giving Love," I'm seeing that the bigger challenge of human relationships is our inability and discomfort when it comes to "Accepting Love."

Our difficulty with accepting love is why we're often more attracted to those who ignore us, but then disregard those who think we're wonderful.

It's why -- when someone shows us interest -- we look for his/her hidden flaw, that one small reason why we couldn't possibly work out.

It's why we keep disappointing (and testing, and pressuring) the people who love us, then search them for any sign or evidence that they don't truly love us at all.

It's like we're always asking anyone who wants to get close:

"Are you sure you really love me for who I am?"

When sadly, the truth of the matter is: We are the ones who don't.

- Coach Aileen Santos



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:06 PM.

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Tsumarahen
金曜日: June 28, 2019



Pampaalis ng kaba. Pampatanggal ng boredom.

Kahapon ko lang napansin na may pasmileys pa pala yung email ni Sir P at yung "good luck" nya e andaming exclamation point. Ayun lang naman, pero kinilig ako. Sh*t, ang babaw.

I wasn't able to answer his call last night so I sent him an email. Mukhang alam ko na ang shift ng taong to kasi kanina lang tumawag.

Sobrang naku-kyutan talaga ko kay Sir P. Mahiyain daw sya, at mukha naman talaga. Pero para sa mahiyain, ang haba nya magkwento.

So mejo ang kire lang. Hindi mo pa alam kung maha-hire ka e may crush ka na kagad? Lol. Anlande.

--------

Sh*t, antok na antok ako today. Baka makatulog ako mamaya. T_T



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:50 AM.

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JO
金曜日: June 28, 2019



It's a Friday. I excused myself from attending the meeting because tomorrow, I'll be accompanying Dad to have a doctor check his lab results. And on Sunday, we have a Club Officer's Training.

I feel bad because it's the last meeting for this term but I wasn't there to support the outgoing officers, specially Jer. And I can't even make bawi kasi nga last na. I'm so sorry.

-----

The month of June is almost over and it had been quite a month for me. Natest talaga ang tibay ng puso ko. And yet, I really can't say that this is a bad month.

I had the final assessment kanina from the Japanese client of the company that I'm applying for. Dahil lagi kong nakakalimutan ang Japanese ng "Civil Engineering", sinulat ko nalang. Tas sinulat ko na rin yung buong self-introduction ko para babasahin nalang. Wrong move.

This girl cannot multitask for the life of her. So when I read out loud, I can't go thinking at the same time. Either nagbabasa lang ako or nag-iisip ako, hindi pwedeng sabay. So when I noticed my sentences weren't connecting, too late na nang malaman kong may ilang lines pala akong hindi ko nabasa. Kaya pala ang tahimik lang nung j-guy sa kabilang linya. Ang wierd na pala ng pinagsasabi ko. Good thing he had other questions after that, kaya kahit paano, I was able to prove I can speak and understand the language pretty well.

Few minutes after the phone call, Sir P called me to say "nakapasa ka naman".

Ang kulit ng choice of word ng taong to. Blunt. Raw.

Though I like it that way, palaisipan parin sakin kung paano sya napunta sa Talent Acquisition Team with that communication style. Not that it's bad. It's just so different from the usual.

Parang gusto kong isama to sa club namin minsan. Lol.

Anyway, ayun na. Said I'll drop by their office on Monday to check the Job Offer. I remember when I was talking to the TL, I clearly told him I can only take shifts between 6am to 6pm and he was like, "sige tingnan natin".

Iniisip ko tuloy kung inuto lang ba nila ko tas mauuwi lang rin kami sa night shift. Pero ayoko na mag-apply pa. Ang laki na ng nagagastos ko sa Grab. Tapos may sakit pa si Papa.

Ang wierd lang, this is the first co that I said no to. Tas dito rin pala ko babaksak. Lol. At least, I'll be getting 2x my salary. Ok na rin. Had I said yes to them on their first offer, anlaki siguro ng natipid ko sa pamasahe and I could've spared myself from the mental torture I've brought myself into.

Pero in a way, hindi naman ako nagsisisi. I was able to meet some people, at sa dami ng j-interview na napuntahan ko, feeling ko talaga ang laki ng iginaling ko sa nihongo. 

I told my brother about this. Sabi ko rin sa kanya, ipon lang ako tas pag mahirap alis na ko after 6 months. Tanda ko sinabi ko rin to sa 1st and current companies ko. And I lasted in these companies for 5 and 6 years respectively. Well, we'll see.

Pero hangga't wala pang contract signing, wala naman talagang nakakaalam.

Half of the year will be over soon and it looks like my life is turning 180 degrees.

Hindi ko sure kung anong nararamdaman ko about this. Siguro for now, I just need some sleep.



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 10:28 PM.

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« 2019/05 · 2019/07 »
C I N D E R E L L A A R E U S
"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep"

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私の名前はZです。

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