Entries for October, 2015
write until the awkwardness stop.
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took a half day leave to fix my ATM dilemma yesterday. got it all settled too early for my wednesday mass so i just strolled around mega and killed a few thousands from impulse buying. sheesh.
it was fr. mario's 60th bday yesterday. he doesnt really look 60 to me. i wish he will be blessed with good health, long life and a lot more blessings so he can continue to bless more people. will be be turning half his age in a few more days. i wonder if being 30 will feel any more different.
difference.
change.
in my life ive always had this love-hate relationship with change. one time id long for it and on another id resent it. siguro nasusukat ang maturity ng isang tao sa kung paano nya hina handle ang change.
was chatting with injan earlier. she's gonna be having a baby 6 months from now. i havent had a child myself but judging from how my brother's life changed after having kaitlyn, i know that having a child can really turn your world around.. just like marriage, i think. know what, i feel like the changes in injan's life has been happening so swift im finding it hard to take it all in. she's one of the closest friends i have and as much as i try not to feel this way, i feel like im losing her.. believe me, im not really the possessive, clingy type of person. quite the contrary.. im not being defensive, but i think this is different.
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was also talking with shara thru text a few days back. i know shara is the type who's crystal clear with her priorities in life, but im glad that in her own little ways, she's still finding a way to connect with us kahet hindi naman talaga kami priority.
priorities. not my strong suit really. sometimes i wish im just as sensible as shara.
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saw jenny after the mass yesterday. its been ages since i last saw anyone of my girls. i havent attended the feast for a long time now. i dont even know where will the next venue be.
i feel like ive wasted a lot of my time away for the months that passed since the year started. we're down to the last quarter. sabi nila, a lot can change in a year. ive wasted 3/4 of that already. i dont know what to do yet with the remaining 1/4. what can change in a quarter year? i dont know.. i will find out.
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i want 30 to be a fresh start. claim my life back. decide what my priorities are and stick to it. work towards my dreams. work towards winning.
sabi nila, para daw malaman mo kung ano talaga yung gusto mo, kailangan mo daw tanungin ung sarili mo ng, "ano yung gagawin mo kapag alam mong hindi ka mag fe-fail?"... pero sa real life, malamang sa hindi, mag fe-fail ka naman talaga. sa tingin ko ang better na tanong eh, "ano yung gagawin mo parin kahet alam mong mag fe-fail ka?"
i mean, to be willing to do something even if you know you're gonna fail(or at least at first) is just a strong indication that you really love that thing. to be willing to lay down all your cards, your everything for that one thing even if it doesnt guarranty success... then, that must be something.
gusto ko ng ganun. yung handa mong itaya lahat. yung sobrang gusto mo talaga..
may ganun nga kaya?
oo may ganun. may ganun ako dati. tas nakuha ko na. kaya wala na.
ganun ata talaga ang sakit ng mga pangarap. pag naabot mo na, kailangan mo na naman ulet humanap ng iba.
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back to not-answering-your-texts-and-completely-ignoring-you mode. im finding it harder to be like that now than it was back then. nakakakonsensya na nakaka-guilty na ewan. but to ghost you or to lead you on, i guess the former is the lesser evil, so im choosing that.
ok lang yan. for sure, matatauhan ka rin naman... balang araw. or maybe, soon.
01:43 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
yesterday marked the 3rd decade of my existence.
great. im 30.
monday night i was waiting for the clock to turn 12 midnight, wondering if im gonna die or something. the band perry song playing in my head, saying, "oh well, ive had just enough time."
i didnt die, of course. i wasnt being morbid or anything, i just didnt expect myself to live this long. and im not complaining, by the way.
took 2-day leaves and i just got back to work.
went to PRC last mon to renew my license. CIVIL ENGINEER NA ULET AKO!!hoooorray!! well, hindi ko naman talaga ginagamit pero kahet pano pamparami rin to ng valid id so keribels. dahil walking distance lang ang recto, dumaan na rin ako para magcheck ng mga murang books. mejo disappointed ako sa price.. hindi kasi abot ng 50% ang difference pero keri narin. bought 2 zig ziglar and 2 bo sanchez books all for 600 pesos. not bad right? was initially looking for a dorothy must die sequel, the wicked will rise, but wasnt able to find it anywhere so i ended up buying it in national bookstore-full price. sighs..sayang.
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tuesday. worst bday ever. well hindi naman as in.. but i guess, whenever you feel bad, you'd always have the tendency to feel like its the worst or something.
i set my birth date in fb in a "me-only" visibility mode and made my timeline inaccessible for anyone who wanted to post anything all because i was trying to avoid some people making a fuss about it. after all, if my friends want to greet me, they could all just send me a PM or text or whatever which most of them did. well, except injan. pero ok lang naman. that girl rarely remembers bday so its all ok.
sis-in-law cooked pansit malabon(or was that palabok??i dont really know the difference.) for me and mom made macaroni salad. both tasted good.
so what made it the worst bday ever?
dad and i had an argument a few days back, so since then, until now, we're on a not-speaking terms. i dont know. i guess im getting tired of dad's tantrums. i know i could use some more patience since im the younger one here and a daughter at that, but im tired. exhausted. fed up. i dont know. and sometimes i dont care too. i wish i can be a better person than this.
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so, this is what 30 feels like..
i thought id say it doesnt feel any different but it does.
12:48 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
saw a chart similar to this in the bo sanchez book im currently reading (SIMPLIFY and live a good life).
if i will base my life on this chart, i can feel myself creeping downwards from anxiety to apathy. now, how's that?
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j-holiday yesterday so we dont have work. kaitlyn, my niece, was sent to the hospital last sat. pneumonia. so i spent the last 3 days going to the hospital and then back home sending foods and clothes, running errands, etc. all to help bro and sis-in-law out. the last few days had been a bit tiring. im just glad that my beautiful niece is ok now. we're hoping the she'll get to be discharged today.
a daughter of my cousin who was barely 2 years old died from a sickness related to the gut a few years back. i use to think that something so beautiful cannot perish just like that. turned out that death do not discount beauty, or innocence or whatever. it's just making me all praning whenever my niece gets sick just like this.
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recieved a confirmation from KCON that the sched are already available. got myself enrolled for the classes of my choice. mostly business related. i took one leadership related course because it says, "Lessons Learned from the World's Most Admired Organizations".. if i am to build something-business or whatever- i want it to spread throughout the world. yeah, i dream big. i hope i wont be all dreams forever.
on a normal day, i would be all giddy about this, but right now.. i dont know. i just feel too robotic to care. maybe im just tired. or is this apathy?
in a little more than a month, 4 days will be added to the best days of my life... once my normal self comes back, i know id be on an all hyper mode about it. but right now, i just need peace.
11:05 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
was reading most of my favorite sites this morning when i saw mm's latest post which gave me chuckles. Presidential Candidacy?? hmmm.. why not? if mm would run, he'll definitely get one sure vote from me. been asking brother whom he's gonna be voting for lately. he too doesnt seem to have an answer yet. i dont think i need to ask mom, i already have an idea who she's gonna vote. why, i feel like our choices gets worse as years go by. i wonder if i should skip voting.
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took another half day leave. a few minutes and im out. claiming my atm. im also gathering up courage to cut my hair short. well, as someone who spent most of her life in looooooooooong hair, it definitely requires courage. well, not really that short. midlength, maybe. im fancying to have a long bob(or lob) and then color my hair (for the nth time this year) black... i had my hair cut short yearrrrrrrrrs back. it looked horrible. but im thinking maybe that's because i dont use makeup back then and i havent heard of the existence of mousse yet.. maybe i can pull it off this time.... jeezz.. suspense eto. haha.. sighs.. wish me luck. (yeah, first world problem. haha).
10:25 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
sabi sa nabasa ko, dapat daw fini-feel ang feelings.. ina acknowledge.. ine embrace.. yun lang daw ang way to healing. but of course acting your feelings out is way another story.
i was feeling bad last night. i tried to feel the feeling asking myself, was it anger? frustration? disappointment? maybe a mixture of these all.. but i guess above all these, it was more on regret. i feel like ive been so caught up chasing my dreams forgetting the main reason why i had those dreams in the first place. i was tired. i still am. i could only think of running away as a solution--but will that solve anything? im just so fed up with all these.
most of the areas of my life sucks. and the one thing that doesnt, im starting to mess up bit by bit. what's with me?
nakakapagod. nakakasawa. gusto ko na naman maging alien.
12:33 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
"If it doesn't open, it's not your door."
read it somewhere. as for me, i think if the door's close, maybe you should find another way in. like a window, perhaps?.. but then, maybe, sometimes, the door just isn't your door.. so better quit it, right?
"If it doesn't open, it's not your door."
makes sense..
a lot of things lately. i guess sometimes, the thing that affects you the most, you find hard to talk about.
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hindi parin ako sure kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng "sabaw"..pero feeling ko, eto to. so today, i will go to where i can fuel whatever human left in me.. dang, i actually feel like im a plant or amoeba or something.
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you're starting to make me feel as if a leash is suddenly forming around my neck. i dont know if it's you or im just having some unknown psychological/emotional/mental/whatever problem or something.
siguro nga hindi ko pa alam kung anong gusto ko or kung ano ba talaga ang hinahanap ko.. isang bagay lang ang sigurado ako..
hindi ikaw yon..
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hindi na ko natutuwa sa setup ng mga bagay bagay in my life. i dont know what to do about it either. damn, i dont even know how i want things to end up. sabi clarity daw is the key to get what you want. can somebody tell me where to buy clarity?
dear Mother Universe, can you just fix all these for me??
03:37 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
"there are no ugly women, only lazy ones.."
heard something that went like this sa feast yesterday. i totally agree.
3rd week in short hair. i actually like how my hair doesnt get in the way now, especially when i need to be outdoors. it feels more presko. but the thing is, short hair demands more time and it's not so easy to manage. its ironic how it takes a lot of effort to achieve that effortless look. now, how's that?
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after what feels like ages, i went to the feast again yesterday. the topic was about "how to avoid jerks and jerkettes?" something which would have been fitting since i seem to magnetize their lot lately..long story. sayang, it was the last installment of the talk.
yang and i upgraded our kcon tickets from regular to premium yesterday. in the end, natupad din ang pangarap namin since last kcon na magka premium tickets. saw the full sched too. mukhang wala ng concert thingy gaya nung previous years. in a way, im feeling a bit disappointed. also, wala rin si fr. mario kahet sa plenary talk. still, i hope we'll end up enjoying kcon just as how we did for the past years.
we are also brewing some project. will be sparing the details for now. baka mausog e. hehe.. but i feel like, for once, we finally came up with something that seems sound. its probably not gonna be easy, but im sure it's gonna be worth it. sana magawa namin.
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next monday will be my niece's 1st bday. ang bilis talaga ng panahon. im not sure if the relatives will make it to the party since it's gonna be held in the far-off island of Naic, Cavite. i tried losing weight last week and sure did kasi nga i dont want relatives saying na im tumataba na and all, but now that they're not likely to come, mejo nawalan na ko ng motivation. but still, ill try again. 6 days to go.. i can do this!
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mejo naasar na ko sa bagal ng takbo ng buhay ko. i want to reach my dreams. like, now na. im getting more and more impatient as time goes by. i need to be more aggressive on this.
started reading og mandino's scroll. it came from the book, "the greatest salesman in the world." or something which i havent read yet but started reading the scroll anyway. there are 10 scrolls all in all. you are suppose to read it, 1st, right after waking up. then, after midday meal. then before going to sleep. so that's 3x a day. you need to read 1 scroll for 30 days before proceeding to the next. 30 days for each of the scroll so it will take me like 10 months to finish all 10 scrolls. that's quite a long time. i know.. but then i realize that time will pass anyway, so why not give it a try. im half way to the 2nd scroll now and i intend to finish it up to the last. ewan ko kung may effect ba to sa buhay ko, pero gusto ko parin itry.
also started back reading sha nacino's blog all the way back to the oldest entry. i want to know how she made it--and then copy what she did. im itching to joing toastmasters already. sighs.. surely, dreams come with a prize. and this time, it's something im willing to pay. i cant just yet, but ill get there.
just a few nights ago, i had this fancy of transferring to makati. i can attend toastmasters at night and then makati feast at night too, then use my weekends to spend with my family and working on a project with yang and so on.
know what.. it's odd that everytime the thought of getting busy again scares me. i feel like ive developed some fear of living my old life back when i was still in first co. i scared of losing time for my relationships again. i dont want this fear to hold me back.. but i dont want to ignore that fear completely either. i guess the key is balance. basta, bahala na. saka ko na siguro pro-problemahin to.
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sabi sa isa sa 4-agreements ni don miguel ruiz, "dont take things personally." i think i can only do so much of that by now. just realized, i deserve all the right to withdraw explanations to anyone who demands of it. so from now on, i wont. im cutting everything that stresses, upsets, or virtually anything that makes me feel bad, off my life.
im claiming my life.
10:58 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
last Friday, i was bored out of my wits i asked a friend to give me a movie suggestion to which she suggested, the lunchbox. i watched it and it was soooo good im not yet fully recovered from the kilig. haha. so highschool.
wala lang. the story was so nice. the girl made a lunch box for her husband, but by some mistake, it was delivered to someone else. she soon realized her husband's not recieving her lunch box but continued sending them to that someone else who seemed to like her cooking. they exchanged letters along lunch boxes.. blah blah blah.. basta in the end, syempre ngkagustuhan din sila. the girl's husband is a jerk. at one time, the guy asked if the girl can just go to bhutan with her.. i really love that part.. the thought running away. a friend and i were discussing about the movie and her argument was, "e may sabit din ung babae so nde xa ok morally.." i admit she's got a point... but will that matter?? well of course, in real life, it does, but-- yeah, whatever.
it just made me think.... wouldn't it be nice to just run away and forget everything else? to throw all you cares away and jump--with that person you care for-- and run away from the world... i mean,, yeah..wouldn't it be nice??
....
sheesh..
oh man,, here i go again..
{ 気分} stopping right here
03:37 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
dreamland version:
marry some business tycoon. travel and conquer the world with him. have kids after a year or 2 (3 kids will do). when we're not travelling or conquering the world, we're gonna live in my home in Bulacan with my parents, brother and brother's family mixed with mine. (remember this is dreamland version).
slightly realistic version:
put up a biz. then build my own company. invest. diversify. once im earning more than enough passive income, retire(hopefully around early 30's) and conquer the world.
point-blank, realistic version:
stay put on where i currently am. find a way to get myself out of here. and as for my plan on how to do that, refer to the slightly realistic version.
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i just realized how far from flawless my plans are in the future. tipong may masabi lang na meron akong plan.
but really... what difference will it make if i forget having a plan and just live according to what i want for the next 24 hours..
will my life be better?
or will it be worse?
will all these matter?
...
i wonder if im asking wrong questions again.
11:03 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i shared with a friend a convo i had with some guy to which the friend reacted:
nde ko type ang flirting skills nia (referring to the guy)
at ikaw wala kang flirting skills (referring to me)
wala daw akong flirting skills. ouch.
innate daw sa tao ang ability to flirt.
so hindi ako tao. isa pala akong halaman.
double ouch.
but whatevs.
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4 days left before some major family event(niece's bday) and i am still on an everyday-cheat-day mode.
bakit kung kelan kailangan mo magdiet, tsaka mahirap mag diet?
but im not actually looking forward to this event that much since most of the people who would go there are sis-in-law's relatives. parang mejo boring. plus its a children's party.. so yeah.. malamang boring. but i so much miss my niece already. i think seeing her again is the part that i look forward to the most.
still need to hunt for gifts this coming sat. mom and i will shop for gifts and on sun, maybe id see yang at the feast again. im aiming to get perfect attendance at the feast for the remaining sundays of the year.
a lot of socializing event jotted for my november's sched. partner's recently single that's why he's so inclined to saying yes to any invitation which follows that i have to say yes too. we just confirmed our attendance to some office dinner come 4th week of Nov. two years in this company and still, yung mga taong kilala ko sa account namin by name, hindi pa lalagpas sa 10. hardcore introvert borderline antisocial. ikr. sheeesh. sabi, do something that scares you daw.. oh, edi push.
will also be seeing aiz to visit another friend, guadz for her bday on 14th..
and then there's kcon.
im also thinking of joining japan foundation's oshaberi salon-an event for japanese speakers happening next fri. i need to expose myself in events like this since this is related to the project that yang and i are hoping to work on soon.
will be needing energy for this. i think i need to start conserving my social juice to prevent it from running out before the month's over.
how on earth do normal people refill their social juice??? i really want to know..
10:36 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
