Entries for December, 2015

first day of december. my level of paranoia reaches the mountain tops.

lahat ng inemail ko kahapon, hindi sumagot.

fine. then, ill call them instead.

so i researched all i could today. will make a call after the shift. tas, sige, batman, bahala ka na.

sigh.. sa totoo lang, tinatamad ako. hindi ko alam kung worth it ba lahat ng effort na to.

and yess, and effort palang na naeexert ko e pagsend ng email. haha.

(oh, im talking about some biz that bro and i is planning to startup, btw)

--

im also feeling paranoid about a few things too. i dont  know.

been confronting the heavens about all that's been bugging my head.

seems like we still need some more heart to heart talk.

know what, i use to think that the idea of a parallel universe is preposterous.

funny, now i find myself finding comfort in clinging to that same idea.

i know i cant negotiate my terms.

is it really possible for humans to forget something they dont really want to forget?

and then, i remember im an alien.. so how would i know?

01:49 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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panata day wednesday. i use to love wednesday for this reason, but right now, i just want to go home.

need to make a few more calls today after shift. i wish im not feeling tooooooooooo lazy for all these.

im thinking of making an excuse not to come to some event this weekend. i dont know what's with all this hyper hermit mode ive been in lately.

also, i intend to join some japanese speech contest. deadline of submission's around january. prize: all-expense paid week-long study tour in japan. ayoko naman talagang pumunta sa japan. gusto ko lang sumali sa speech contest. was reading some speech sample at the net. i dont know why this is making my stomach swirl.

Nature's goddess of human motivation, i need some help here. huhu.

02:47 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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"I'll Be"

sino ba sumulat ng kantang to? pakakasalan ko.. lel.

---

people do stupid things when upset. i probably need to slack off for the next couple of weeks.

*lyric source: http://www.azlyrics.com

10:34 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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i ran.

until my lungs allow.

or more like until my lungs can no longer hold.

i ran.

..

humans fight their inner monsters differently.

as for me,

i run.

..

or, ok. that's just an exaggeration. i just walked.

---

been feeling upset.

my eyes sting. minus the makeup, i might look like kero keroppi.

it's been a while since i last had a crying fiesta.

aint i too old for this?

---

sometimes i feel like there's that little masochist in every human beings even those that arent really masochist at all.

why else would one be so inclined in listening to depressing emo songs when one's upset?

and yeah, tagalog emo love songs bite like sh*t.

i dont even like them when im not depressed.

12:31 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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Woke up this morning hearing a heavy downpour. Parang ang tagal n magmula nung huling umulan.

Need to go to some socializing event tomorrow. Thought of not going kaso ngi guilty nmn aqng umembento ng dahilan wag lang mksama. Mas gusto ko lang mag feast. O kaya natulog nalang. Pero, o sya, sige na nga, pupunta nlang. Matatapos din to.

10hours aqng natulog today. Record breaking eto para sa taong Hindi nmn talaga gaanong natutulog. 10hours n tulog pero antok na antok. Symptoms of the lonely daw ang tulog ng tulog.. Shheesh. I  need to recover from this emoness fast because the world is not going to wait for me habang nag dra drama pa ko.

Give me one more day.. And tomorrow, I'm gonna back on my feet.

Watch me, world.

08:46 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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Just got home from a socializing event. Met the girl I've been hearing abt from our former qm for more than a year now. She's nice and very pretty indeed. 

At tunay ngang nanganganak ang mga socializing events. Partner and i were invited to glen-ann and Paul's wedding next next weds. Sabi ni partner, weddings daw ang best place to find a love life. Hindi nmn tlga un ang concern q but I still said yes...

----

Will be going back to the cage Tom and I'm having this heavy feeling inside the chest.. But I know once I get used to this, magiging maayos din lahat...

----

Isang araw, titigil din ang ulan.

06:09 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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"A broken heart is the burden you will sometimes bear for the beautiful gift of the capacity to love."

-Tim Hoch, thought catalog

I love this.

03:59 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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i left the cross necklace that mom gave me as an early Christmas present a few weeks ago on top of the dining table last night.

today, it's nowhere to be found.

great.

you see, there are so many things that makes my heart heavy these days,

all those, i can handle..

..

but Heavens.. please, not the necklace.. huhu..

---

tuesday. im 28 minutes late. i guess ill be expecting another love letter from the office this month.

09:54 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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two days and i still cant find my necklace. huhu.. tatanggapin ko na ba na hindi ko na sya makikita ever?

im trying to make uto my mom into buying me a new one. she hasnt said no yet so im still hopeful. the necklace was not really expensive. i can actually buy one myself. i just want it to come from mom. that's the first jewelry she ever bought for me. sheesh.. this is really heartbreaking. huhu.

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been recieving the usual good morning and good evening text from p. didnt reply as usual. he sent his message 3 times last night. maybe to make sure that it'll reach me good. some guys usually get it at this point. he just wont. recieved a call from him the last time. we were just like this before, werent we? i dont know. i feel bad, too. but really, what can i do?

i think, in life

there'll be love you cannot have..

and then, there'll be love you cannot give..

and there'll be some tragic times when you will have both.

--

some convo yesterday:

m: <insert my name here>, anong ma rerecommend mong series.

z: series? anime?

m: hindi. kahet ano. ano ba pinapanuod mong series?

z: hindi ako nanonood e.

a: grabe hindi ka nanonood? e anong ginagawa mo pag walang ginagawa?

z: nagbabasa lang..

a: geek ka pala.

z: ouch.

two  years of being here and i still feel like this is some other dimension. it's like i exist in a world different from theirs.

in my world, men talk about various conspiracy theory, world issues, work stuff and women. in their world, men talk about sports, video games, and women (men's common denominator, i guess). but i think difference is not always bad. i actually sort of find it fascinating.

...

in my world, geek is considered the new sexy.. i wonder if same could be true in theirs.

asa. haha.

10:45 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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Happy birthday, R.

12:00 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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sabi sa nabasa ko, unfair daw kung ija-judge mo ang tao base sa kung ano sya nuon kasi ibang tao na sya dun sa taong sya nuon.

im feeling a bit sad for you. maybe because my mind is still operating under the assumption that you're still the same you that you were n years back. if you're still the same person, you're probably feeling upset by now. how did we all turn out like this? you've made unwise decisions back when things werent turning out so well. as someone who knows how to calm you down, i shouldve done something but chose not too. but still..

well, maybe im just worrying unecessarily. i hope you're doing fine now. from time to time, i still remember you. pag birthday mo. or kaya pag Christmas.. or pag naalala ko ang 2010. lahat kasi ng promise mo saken, you were able to keep.. except one.. your most important promise.. ung promise mong gagawin mo 3 years after graduation...2010.. forgotten. gone. for some reason, i have this feeling that you didnt really forget.. i know your capacity to remember. siguro nawalan ka lang rin ng reason para tuparin pa yung promise mo. if that's the case, i will actually understand why.

malapit na naman ang Christmas. i use to feel the giddiness of Christmas spirit kahet na nga ang totoo nyan, laging wala lang naman ang mga Christmas ko sa loob ng mga nagdaang taon.. but it was a tad bit different when you were still here. ikaw lang talaga yung taong kaya kong kausapin hanggang madaling araw. kahit minsan sinasadya kong tagalan ang reply ko sa mga message mo tipong tinatancha kong yun time na tulog ka na para lang maasar ka... and over the years, you never disappoint.. lagi kang ngang naasar. madalas naamaze ako on how i can accurately predict your reactions to every situations.

namimiss parin kita paminsan minsan. kumakain ka ba ng maigi? bat hindi ka tumataba? at parang hindi ka ata tumatanda... dati iniisip ko na malamang madedevastate ako pag nalaman kong may iba ka nang gusto.. pero sa ngayon, tingin ko, gusto ko narin for you na makahanap ka ng taong magmamahal sayo.. siguro para may nag aalaga na sayo.. para hindi ka na rin siguro masyadong ma drama.. yung taong sisigurahing kumakain ka. ganun.. nag aabang ako ng picture ng babae sa fb mo. i remember how you treated me back then. if there's someone you like, i think im bound to know. the last time i saw you with a girl, tumataas parin ang kilay ko.. but i think that's not "the girl" right? i dont know.. intuition ba yun? or delusion? im not sure..

sana masaya ka today. i still celebrate your success, you know. just like the old times. as if they are my own. we're not the same. maybe we wont ever be. and i think it's best this way. dont you think so too?

well, once a year lang naman to na naalala kita. or twice if you count Christmas too. 

happy birhday, r. merry Christmas. i miss you. bye.

...

this is me.

z

08:03 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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17th of december. My thursday to-do list says:

1. answer email, RN, work-related matters.

2. write english draft for nihongo speech contest.

3. translate english draft to japanese.

4. watch 2-3 videos from nihongo no mori.

5. read inspiring materials.

it's 2pm. accomplishment= 0/5. great.

more than halfway through december. im feeling so excited for 2016. i dont know. im so looking forward to the projects im suppose to start with bro and yang(individually). too excited id love to talk about it. yeah... just talk, instead of actually working on it. very good, right? i guess i just love beginnings. starting something new. ganun. and the real challenge comes in actually seeing it through. pero kaya to.

sent countless emails for the project that bro and i are hoping to start soon. ayun, wala paring nagrereply.. we're thinking of starting it out kahet walang matinong place. bahala na. sana masimulan na to.

then, yang and i are planning to launch another website. im suppose to write the story line of the site (for whatever story line means). i have ideas scattered inside my head as to how id like the site to look like, but so far, wala pang kaayos ayos ang lahat. i need to sort all this out before january. kaya to tingin ko.

eeee! 2016.. im so excited to meet you!!

sa ngayon, i want to organize things, schedule plans, write lists and so on. i want 2016's theme for my life to be "massive expansion".. yeah, massive talaga. with this i need to cut cost so that i can fund whatever's needed to make this expansion happen.

---

tito just got back from abroad and now my calendar is full for family-related gatherings. i so want to go to the feast. but we're suppose to go to tita's place this sun. im thinking of checking out feast fairview terraces since it's nearest our place.. then maybe i can just fly to tita's place right after.. superwoman, kaya mo to!! i think this is the last feast of the year, i dont want to miss this.

---

just a day to go before the weekend. i want to make the most out of this to be productive. wish me luck.

02:19 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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friday. to-do list filing up as usual. i can formulate ways on how to do the things i ought to do, but once im on the verge of doing them, i can only stare blankly.

maybe i need a vacay. i think i will. nothing fru fru. i just want to see some old museum. or anything old. something with a sense of antiquity in it..

but then maybe i just need sleep.

--

i agreed to go out with someone come 28th.

gonna be just a day out. no big deal.

im actually feeling too lazy to go.

but ive decided, whatever promotes my personal growth... whatever can lead me to even just a tiny step nearer to expansion.. then, im gonna say yes to it.

i dont know how other people see dating.

maybe we dont really have to make it too complicated, right?

still 2 weeks to go. makakapag diet pa ko. yey! haha.

--

a week before Christmas. i know how this is the birth of our Messiah and all, but still.. i dont know.. i just want to skip it this year. this year lang naman eh...sige na pleassse. wahhh!! im really having blues and it's taking so much of me not to let all these get into me. sooo..yeah, let's skip Christmas na pleassse..

--

Ps: nalulungkot ako. bow.

03:57 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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question:

natutuwa ka ba pag may taong nasasaktan ng dahil sayo?

hindi kita maintindinhan. paki explain.

---------------------------------------

nakakatawa. i think im jinxed.

you see. i use to like ******. he's super nice and gentleman down to the core. i heard he doesnt have a gf during those times so i asked the heavens, "saken nalang po si ******", what He did was to send a girl along who later became the guy's girlfriend. great.

and then just recently. same thing happened. some no-gf guy. i even reminded the heavens what happened before saying, "baka naman po pag hiningi ko rin si ****** baka ibigay nyo rin po sya sa iba." and so i asked, and sure enough, another girl came along. grabe it works like magic talaga. maamaze na sana ako.. kaso, it hurts. huhu. tipong aguy aguy aguy talaga. sighs.

but to test the jinx out, there was this guy i actually like but never asked the Heavens for for a few obvious reasons. if im truly jinxed, i just have to ask the Heavens for the guy and the Heavens will just give him away to someone else. and so, yeah, i asked... and sure enough.. there seem to be another girl. im not so sure though if this is the jinx since that guy has so many girls. but whatevs.

OMG.. im jinxed. T_T

so yeah, sinong gustong magka gf? just message me and i will just have to ask the Heavens to give you to me and expect that by the next day, He'll give you to someone else. who knows, you might even end up having a girlfriend. great.

sighs... why Lord?? huhuhu..

hayst.. jinxed nga kaya ako? hindi ko alam. sabi sa nabasa ko nuon, pag hindi mo daw nakuha ang gusto mo, blessings yun. kaya naiintindihan ko naman talaga ang langit kung baket hindi nya binibigay yung mga hiningi ko. ang saken lang, kailang ba talagang pag hindi nya binigay saken e ibibigay nya talaga sa iba? pero siguro kailangan nga. malamang kasi hindi ako titigil sa kaka ilusyon ko sa kanila unless alam kong taken na sila.. tipong hindi magtatanda hanggat hindi nasasaktan. ganun.

ang ligalig ng lovelife department ko netong 2015. hindi ko sinasabing masaya. maligalig lang. pero kahet ganun, thankful parin ako sa mga taong pinadaan ni God sa buhay ko. kahet papano kasi, at least, naentertain naman ako. i remember asking God for a really bad guitar. on that same day, he gave me ******. maybe sometimes, you really get what you're asking for.

God, thank you for your bad guitar. na enjoy ko po sya. natuwa rin po ako sa kanya.. but dont YOu think it's time for the good guitar now?

God... please give me a good guitar..

...

how about a wink there, God, huh?

01:36 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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Christmas eve.

when "Merry Christmas" actually meant "goodbye"...

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it was the emperor's bday yesterday so we didnt have to go to work.

i was suppose to do lots of stuff but was only able to do 20% of the work. well, we dont have work for the last week of the year so id have plenty of time to catch up. keri langs.

Christmas eve tonight. i dont know if the relatives will put up a party later considering lola's state. age has been taking its toll on her lately. i wonder if they will just send out food to everyone in the compound. im ok with anything though. brother, wife and kid will be in cavite for Christmas, leaving mom, dad and me all by ourselves. ive got work too on the 25th so im actually ok with it. we agreed to open our presents by new year once bro and his family's back home.

bff called last night. it was almost midnight and i was still up. she's asking me to go to their new home's house blessing. got work so i declined. she invited me instead to come over by sat. i will.

--

highschool graduation, more than a decade back. while everyone else were heading off from one grad party to another, bff, injan and i excused ourselves from our parents, friends and classmates to be left with ourselves for awhile.

with that after-graduation silence, we sat at the stage facing the open quadrangle to where we use to have our flag ceremony. we talked, we laughed, we talked about about our plans, dreams and anxiety... you know what, back then, i know i was set out to conquer the world....

i dont know what's with this reminiscing... guess im just feeling a bit blue. apparently, things didnt turn out as planned.

--

kcon talks had been available for download for what feels like ages. our internet connection at home sucks so i sacrificed sleep because the speed gets considerably better by around midnight but still i was only able to download 2 of the talks.

listened to sis rissa's talk, the impatient bride. i liked it so much ive listened to it twice and intends to listen some more. i feel like the Heavens had personally sent that talk for me.

was particularly hit by sis rissa's answer to that 2nd question from the q&a that went into something like:

"i've noticed that single women gets so attracted to married men that some gets eaten up into this kind of relationship for  a long time. how can we possibly get out of this?"

sis rissa's answer was beyond enlightening. i cant believe i passed this class up.

i love the whole talk but it was the last part that rang in me the most. sis rissa was recounting what she have done. on how she had searched through the feast's singles ministry just to find a godly man. or on how she was willing to dig into her inheritance- or whatever money she had at that time just to join Christian singles cruises (as to what that is, i have no idea--will google later). sis rissa said that she did all these so that when the time comes that she's at the point where she have to be single for life, at least she can look back and say "at least, i tried." ganun. nice right. i feel like i am now operating in that same mindset. love life and otherwise.

i want to keep trying until i can try no more so that when the time comes that im on the edge of my dying days, even if, say, i failed to get what i want, i can tell to myself that, i didnt just waited for things to happen. that i tried. that ive given my best. ganun.

--

for the coming year, im setting out for an overhaul. i want clean the mess ive made in the past and fix what can be fixed.

when i was young, i thought i would never grow old. that id always be in that phase where i have a whole lifetime ahead of me. now im old and the fact that my time is limited, just as how everyone else's is, is now finally sinking in.

i can fail. i can die. i can lose people i love. i can build something in a year and lose it in a day. i can be laughed at, mocked, riduculed, or everything else more morbid than that... but should that prevent me from trying?

life could be tough, but you have to live it anyway. so why not live it in the most awesome way possible?

--

last night, when i remembered our highschool graduation, i wondered what my 16 year old self would say if she could see what she became now..

so i searched deep... and asked her..

"z, are you proud of me?"

she thought for a while, smiled and said, "yes."

this made me happy.

i dont have the power to edit the past. but with whatever power i have today, i want to do all i can so that when i get to that time when im 60 years old, my 60 year old self will look back on her 30 year-old self and ask, "are you proud of me?" my 30 year old self, will not only answer "yes" but will answer, "absolutely. you even exceeded my expectations" with a smile.

i guess i owe it to my 60 year old self to have that kind of response, right?

--

2016.

new year. new beginning.

i dont know what the world has in store for me.

but i am ready.

and yeah, it's not new year yet.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

10:38 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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Twas just me and partner at the office today. He brought triple chocolate cake and we had a mini celebration. Thou it could be a bit sad but there are few things i like about being alone at the office. For one, we can freely talk secret stuff without partner making my nose bleed by speaking in jap just so no one else will understand.

Some people love spreading gossip.. Me, I love keeping secrets.

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Last working day of the year. Long sleeeeeeeeeeep, here I come. Will be going to bff's new place Tom. Asked ice to come along with me and she agreed. Told me she'd bring her motorcycle and could give me a ride. Fell off a motorcycle a few years back (it was actually more like the motorcycle fell ON me). I don't know if I can bring myself to ride one again. I think I'd rather walk.

---

I thought I felt you. I thought I sensed your presence. I expected you to be there... I thought you were there...

But you weren't...

Humans are programmed to avoid pain. If a sharp edge caused u a cut, u will naturally avoid that same sharp edge because you know it will cause u a cut. But how come same couldn't be true for the heart. Crushed, bruised and broken and yet you kept coming back for more. I know I cannot tolerate this insanity anymore.

---

A few days to go.

I'm going to fix all this.

08:34 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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crazy day out with the crazy ladies.

ice brought her motorcycle. since bff was game, i had no choice but to go with them and all 3 of us rode in that thing all without helmets on. im not really the law-abiding type... i dont care much about dying either.. sadyang takot lang ako sa motor.. or mahulog sa motor to be exact. this whole experience enhanced my prayerfulness a great deal. grabe, ilang santo rin ang natawag ko sa maikling byahe na yon. the thing about doing something you're scared of is that, once it's over, that's when you realize how fun it was. but still, no more motorcycles for me.

ice love taking pics. whenever we go out, expect that we'll have lots of these. as i look at our today's pics, i realize, they're all screaming one thing. grabe antaba ko na #crispypata. sighs.. but whatevs. i wonder if i should move the supposed day out on mon. im not even sure if this is going to pass. wala naman talaga akong pakialam. but i want this to be all get over with. well, bahala na nga.

--

will be seeing bff again on 31st. hopefully, ice can again go with us.

11:59 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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pangalawang araw ng aking bakasyon grande at feeling ko ang daming oras na ang nauubos ko sa social media.

i need to unplug. i will.

7.5 hours sleep. antok na antok parin ako.

some friend introduced me to some catholic dating site. partner has been urging me to signup to various dating sites before but since i have little to no interest to stuff like this, i didnt. but the friend sure has awesome stories to tell. plus it's a CATHOLIC dating site, so it must be legit. maybe, it wouldnt hurt to try, right? created a profile just a day ago, and man, lakas maka eng eng.. i really have no idea how to proceed on this. i guess the friend and i will be needing some more tutorial session on this. pero sa totoo lang, nakakatamad. i think i still prefer meeting people in flesh.

09:41 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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I feel like I've mastered the art of getting distracted #unplugyourface

Sighs...

1 day more and 2015 will be over. I'm half way thru my bakasyon grande and I'm yet to accomplish anything.

I'm suppose to write a speech. 3 days of trying and all I managed was a couple of lousy sentences and a title I am not even pleased with. 

Inspiration and creativity, sapian nyo koooo please!!! Huhu. 

I wonder if these fattening food can fuel my creative juju.

11:58 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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