Entries for August, 2019



Suki ka suki ja nai ka
水曜日: August 7, 2019



Hey, it's been a while. I've been spending days at work doing nothing. Wala rin naman akong ginagawa sa dati kong trabaho, pero at least dun, pwede ako lumabas at magpalipas oras. Here, I need to stay in my seat and find ways to entertain myself without cellphone and internet. Bawal din magpasok ng pagkain. Over all, ok lang naman. At least I like the people. Naeentertain din naman ako since nandyan si PK. It's a little harder during Thursdays and Fridays since those are his rest days. 

He said he'll be taking a leave around the end of the month. Magkakaron din daw ng reshuffle sa shift nila so baka maging pang gabi na sya. Ang boring ng buhay office pag wala si PK. Sana mag start na kong mag take ng calls...

Kaso, sino magtuturo sakin kung wala si PK? T_T

PK said Per*y's leaving soon. Mauuna pa pala sya kay PK. Kararating ko lang tas sila aalis na. Ano kaya yun?

--------

It's only 2 days a week that I get to see my family. I get to sleep in my real room only once a week. I'm starting to feel homesicked.

I want to believe that there are better days ahead.

Nalulungkot na ko.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:40 PM.

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Nerarenai
水曜日: August 7, 2019



10:30pm and I can't sleep.

Naalala ko yung post dati ni Jennica sa IG na picture nya at ng mag-ama nya, and the caption read, "mahal ko kayo at hinding hindi ko kayo ipagpapalit."

I want to have someone to make that promise with--then actually keep it.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:38 PM.

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Mata uso da
木曜日: August 8, 2019



"Miss you."

Sa totoo lang, ok na ko. Sa tingin ko, kaya ko nang hindi patulan ang mga munting landian na alam mong walang patutunguhan.

Lately I've been asking the Heavens to help me protect my heart. Para sa susunod na magmahal ako, hindi na dun sa kung saan mauuwi lang sa... wala?

Mejo nalulungkot ako lately. Must be pms.

I told a colleague that I'm a few days delayed already, and she was like, "congratulations". Lol. Ano kayang feeling ng mabuntis?

When I was younger, people often asked, "may boyfriend?" Ngayon ang unang tanong na, "may anak?" Mejo bastos. Lol.

Lumabas na ang schedule ng english support after ng reshuffle. Pang gabi na sila Per*y at PK. So sad. Then I remember, nilalagay daw sa pang gabi ang mga bagong j-bilinguals para mahasa. P&P are the people closest to me in this new environment. As much as I want to stay close to them as possible, ayoko parin magpanggabi.

Ba't nga ko ulet napunta rito?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:12 PM.

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5 minutes
: August 9, 2019



Ayoko sana magpakilig sa sarili lalo na't mukha namang hindi ganun yun. Pero bilang magkakalayo naman na, eto, 1 time lang.

-nandyan sya kanina kahit rest day nya. Sumasaya ako pag nakikita ko tong taong to.

-may nagpakain sa office, sya ang naatasang bumili. he bought coke zero claiming na mahilig daw kasi ako sa soft drink. We had lunch together the last time where I bought coke zero. Sa pagkakaalam ko, hindi sya nag so soft drink.

-"hayaan mo yang si Per*y. Kwentuhan tayo, 5 mins lang."

-madalas nai interrupt ang training dahil sa madalas na kwentuhan, kaya inoorasan na kami ng trainor, "sige bigyan ko kayo ng 5 minutes." Lol.

-sumasaya ko pag nakikita ko ang taong to. Nasabi ko na yata.

-"sige na sumama ka na, wala ka pa namang ginagawa e."

-Sam went in looking for me sa cr telling me, "hinahanap ka na nila". By 'nila', I know she meant "him"

-siguro mamimiss ako nito. Lol.

-"ang bango mo".

-iba na shift nila next week. Hindi na kami magpapang-abot. Thought of joking about how I'd miss him, pero parang naunahan nya ko. Lol.

-he left at around 3pm and said in gibberish, "miss you". 

-M*y asked him to join her for lunch few days back at himindi na sya. Tas nung nalaman nyang kasama ako, he said, "tara".

-"see you in 2 weeks". Ang tagal ng 2 weeks. Baka pagbalik nya sa AM shift, ako naman ang panggabi.

-ang dami nya nang na kwento tungkol sa buhay nya. Bakit kaya hindi nya binanggit yung reason why he's wearing glasses kahit di malabo yung mata nya. I told him, "patingin". Ayaw nya pakita. He's far from masikreto. I wish he'll get it from my reaction that I absolutely don't mind.

...

Ang sweet ng taong to at ang sarap kausap. Kainis. Single naman sya... oh, e, tapos?

Every day, I ask the Heavens to guide my step. Para kada hakbang na gawin ko e dalhin ako papalapit sa success, happiness, prosperity and a lot more things--loving relationships and happy marriage included. Naniniwala akong maging ang mejo nakakalungkot na changes na ito ay parte ng guidance ng langit.

----------

* different dude*

"Bakit gising ka pa?"

He sent a similar message months ago. I didn't reply. Know what, handa naman ako magbigay ng chance e... if only he's single. Kaso hindi. Gets mo?

I shouldn't have responded to this guy's messages. Takte kasi, alas dos na, hindi pa ko makatulog. 

----------

I miss ** already. This will probably get worse by Monday. 3 days a week nga lang kami magkita, ngayon wala na.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:34 PM.

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Linggo
日曜日: August 11, 2019



Good morning! 

Gumising ako na masaya today. Lagi naman akong gumigising nang masaya. Mamaya ay babalik ako sa rented place ko aa Manda at sasama daw sila Mama at Papa. Kung may pera ako at the moment, sa hotel nalang kami matutulog dahil masikip ang kwarto ko at makalat. Mom asked if meron daw bang walis dun para makapaglinis sya. Kilala talaga ako ng nanay ko.

I plan to bring them to some nice resto. Wala pang sahod, at wala na talaga akong pera... but I have credit card, so...

Sinusubukan kong wag mag alala sa lunes. Ang weird siguro ng office na wala sila PK at Per*y. Lagi kong inaabangang dumating ang 10am dahil dun ang start ng shift nila. Pag 10 na wala pa sila, nagwo-worry pa ko kung darating ba sila. Ngayon, wala nang P&P na darating ng 10am.

Nung nagpapaalam si PK last Friday I was like, "makapag paalam ka naman, parang aalis ka sa Earth. Lilipat ka lang naman ng shift." Totoo naman. Pero nakakalungkot pa rin.

Hindi ko kilala yung mga papalit sa kanila. May access na ko sa online assessment. Kanino kaya ako magtatanong pag hindi ko alam ang sagot? T_T

Nabasa ko dun sa email na for the rest of August lang to. After non, babalik na sa dati. Yung mga matataas ang stat ang mamimili ng gusto nilang shift. PK said, "see you in 2 weeks." Well, magaling naman kasi si PK.

Kanino ako magtatanong pag di ko alam ang sagot?

Siguro dapat matuto na akong maging friendly.

--------

3 years vs 3 weeks. Ano sa tingin mo?

Siguro sadyang hindi nag-eexpire ang love. Baka nagpapahinga lang. Or natutulog. Well, malay ko. Expertise ko ba to?

Wala akong kapatid na babae, that's why I love my lady friends like I would've loved my own sister if only I had one. It's different for guy friends though.

I have a brother whom I'm very close to, so I never really needed a guy friend. I have more than enough male influence in my life. That's why mahirap sakin i-classify if nakikita ko lang ba ang guy bilang friend or something else.

Sabi ng psychologist na finafollow ko sa Facebook, ganito daw ang mga babae:

You(the guy) < Her --- she will never get attracted to you

You = Her --- she will see you as a friend

You > Her --- she will get attracted to you

Parang totoo naman. I never really liked anyone who I "perceived" to be equal or lower than me. Laging merong at least something sa kanya na alam kong mas better kesa sa meron ako. It doesn't have to be true though. Again, based sa perception lang naman. And hindi naman kailangan na sa lahat ng bagay.

For example, si "Z". I may be better than him in so many other things, but he's exceptional good at flirting kaya nagustuhan ko pa rin sya. Hmmm, ganun ba yun? Lol.

Warning to men though: don't ever try to belittle a woman just so she can perceive you as someone better than her. That will surely backfire. If she's smart and independent, she might even burn you alive. So, don't. 

Ewan ko. Ano nga point ko? Lol.

There's this person I care abt and it can get confusing sometimes. Kung single sya keri naman, kaso hindi. He's not married though, which makes things a lot harder. Especially if wala yung SO nya.

Gusto kong patunayan na I'm good. That I can be trusted. I've been struggling on this for these past few years. Naa uphold ko pa naman. Hindi madali, but I'm glad that this principle is protecting me from doing something stupid. 

Putek, ambait ko. Minsan nakakainis na.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:04 AM.

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Limang minuto
月曜日: August 13, 2019



He arrived at the office 5:47pm. Today's trainor let go of me at 5:51. 

6 ang out ko.

6 ang in nya.

5 minutes.

Pangatawanan na natin to.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:17 PM.

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Peks
火曜日: August 13, 2019



Pwedeng friendly fondness lang to, pero bilang malungkot pag walang crush, patulan na natin.

Rest day nya today at bukas so walang 5 minutes moment. Kahapon nung nag beep yung pinto, alam ko na kagad na sya yun. 

Sagad sa buto ang pagiging torpe ko so normally, magpapanggap akong hindi ko sya nakita, pero that time, kusang gumalaw yung kamay ko to wave at him. 

Nakipag siksikan sya sa kumpol ng mga lalaking nagchi chismisan papunta dun sa dulo kung saan ako nakaupo. 5 minutes na kwentuhan at ang una kong nasabi e, "PK, namiss kita." I saw his eyes twinkle at that. Then I boldly told him, "tabi tayo pag nag night shift na ko ha." He asked kelan ba ko mag na night shift. Syempre hindi ko alam. He started planning kung san kami uupo.

Friendly si PK. Mahal sya ng lahat at dama ng buong office ang absence nya pag wala sya. Siguro friendly lang rin ang fondness na to, pero ang boring ng walang crush kaya ipilit natin.

"Pag nakikita ko ang buhok ni <insert ng name here>, parang gusto kong kumain ng pancit canton." - mga ganito banat nya. Lol.

I often call him "anak ng drug lord" because of an inside joke.

Ano't ano pa man, sana maging mabuti kaming magkaibigan ni PK. 

R was the closest guy friend I ever had. Nagkatalohan, nagka harutan, pero in the end, hindi naman nagkatuluyan. Ok lang rin naman.

Masaya kasama si PK. Mukhang malabo namang magkatuluyan kami non, pero sana makasama ko pa sya ng matagal.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:45 PM.

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Drunk post
水曜日: August 14, 2019



Hindi natuloy ang parents ko sa pag punta sa rented place ko sa Manda last Sunday. They're probably going on the next long weekend. I just realized I've stacked some liquor on my shelf. My parents don't know that I drink so I started drinking my stock one by one.

I have a bottle of chardonnay I've kept for ages. I planned to drink it with Mel but we can't seem to find time. I'm drinking it now. About 2 inches left. May pasok pala ko bukas. I forgot. When was the last time I got this drunk?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:23 PM.

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Reality check and stuff
木曜日: August 15, 2019



Got home early to pay the rent. Funny that I now earn more than 2x my previous salary pero negative parin. Lol. Di masaya.

Chatting with my old friends in college. Ang hirap maka relate lalo na't ang topic e tungkol sa mga anak, binyag, pagkuha ng yaya at iba pa.

Planning to meet some TM friends on Sat just to fill up my love tank, kasi sila at least nakakarelate ako. But I need to go home in Bulacan for my laundry.

Work setup is not really getting better. Wala parin akong ginagawa. The other new hire asked TL na magpang gabi sya para makapakinig sa mas maraming calls. Mukang mas masaya nga sa panggabi, ok lang naman, ayoko lang.

Si May lang bukod sa new hire ang nakakausap ko. Her shift ends 1pm. Robert's there. They don't seem to like him, pero mabait naman sya sakin, so ok lang. pero mas gusto ko parin kasama sila May at Charlie. Charlie's shift starts 5pm. So from 2pm-5pm wala akong kausap. Ok lang naman. Mejo nabo bored na ko. Gusto ko na mag calls.

Ang dami pa nilang hinahire na bago. Hindi ko nga gets. Wala naman masyadong calls. Feeling ko rin maliit ang chance na mapunta ako sa panggabi. Part of me wants to go on night shift, pero... ewan.

Siguro kaya ako nalulungkot dahil nakafocus ako sa wala at gusto ko na naman maging in control.

Kailangan ko na naman isipin ang future. Tinatamad ako.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:56 PM.

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Instant gratification
: August 16, 2019



3 calls today. Kasasabi ko lang na gusto ko na mag calls kahapon... agad agad talaga, Lord?

--------

11am-8pm shift next week. I asked for Friday to be 9am-6pm so that I still can attend our TM meeting. I forgot that we also have an execom on Tuesday. Madalas wala naman akong ginagawa, pero bakit parang laging kapos ang oras? Di ko din alam.

Iniisip ko kung uuwi ako tonight. Or kung bukas na. I want to attend Phi* TMC's anniversary party, but I don't have a cowboy outfit. I miss hanging out with my friends but I also miss my dog, my plants and my niece.

--------

Feel your feelings.

Breathe.

Stay present.

Let go.

Apat na bagay na pinag-aaralan ko lately.

 

Ok lang yan.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:28 PM.

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HLG
土曜日: August 17, 2019



There's something special about being out at night. Simply walking feeling the breeze. If there's an experience that can represent what freedom is supposed to feel like, maybe this could be it.

My parents were very protective when I was young. They still are, and I turned to appreciate it now, but definitely hated it when I was younger. I was never allowed to be out-of-home when night time comes. I remember when a classmate sneaked his stepfather's tricycle to go to our house. On the way there he told our other male classmate to remove his piercings so that they will look more presentable (or believable?). They then faced my parents and asked them, "isasama po sana namin si <insert my name here> para gumawa ng project".

Dad was in an exceptionally foul mood and Mom looked her angriest self that it felt like a miracle when they said 'yes'. That was only after my classmates promised to send me back home once we're done. I was so embarrassed at the hassle that I caused my classmates, and at the same time, relieved--and freed.

We went to the topmost floor of a 3-story house. Or was it 4? Basta mataas. We were at the balcony, facing the stars and the night sky, I can still feel the night breeze on my face. Freedom.

May ganda ang gabi na hindi mo makikita sa umaga. It's a time when you can bare your hearts out without fearing other people's judgment because you know the darkness got you.

I watched Hello, Love, goodbye last Friday. Dami ko lang naalala. The movie ended around 12mn. I walked acrossed EDSA, headed home and wondered whether to actually go home or just find a place to chill and think. Felt it again. Freedom.

Ang dami paring sasakyan sa EDSA kahit past 12 na. I remember the movie. Kung realistic ang portrayal at plot, ang hirap pala ng buhay sa Hong Kong. I earn fine even without flexing a muscle pero ang dami dami ko pa ring reklamo sa buhay.

...

Masaya ako. Hindi ko nga lang alam kung anong gagawin ko sa buhay ko, pero masaya ko. Okay lang naman yun di ba? Walang dereksyon?

Siguro malalaman mong tumatanda ka na pag nagtatanong ka na ng mga ganitong bagay.

...

Btw, ang gwapo ni Alden.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:47 PM.

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Judgmental
月曜日: August 19, 2019



Pag natuto na ko mag paint, ipe-paint kita. Mukha lang, tas contemporary. Red, blue, yellow, violet contrasts. Naiimagine ko na maganda kakalabasan. Ang cute cute mo talaga, Crush! <3

Takte, ang highschool. Lol.

----------

He told me how it hurts him knowing that with his dad and brother gone, hindi na mabubuo pa ang pamilya nya. So I told him what I felt to be the most obvious.

-e di bumuo ka ng sarili mong pamilya.

He laughed.

...

Bading kaya to?

Sh*t, ang praning ko. T_T



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:09 PM.

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Nemuritai
: August 21, 2019



Antok na antok ako, gusto ko na maghamon ng away.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:12 PM.

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Istaaaap
水曜日: August 21, 2019



Random chat. Rest day nya e. He asked if pumasok na ba yung isa sa mga j-speakers na close sa kanya. I told him, hindi pa, then followed:

Z: wait, nag resign na ba?

P: Hindi gaga.

P: sakit.

.

.

.

Gaga daw. Confirmed.

Eto na naman tayo, Z.

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Coworker1 is an english agent trying to learn Japanese from Coworker2. They were having a convo where Co1 asked Co2 how he's planning to name his soon-to-be-born baby.

Co1 suggested, "bakit di nalang shinderu (dead)?" He probably meant shinjiru (believe), but no one from the j-speakers laughed.

If that is not kindness, I don't know what is.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:40 PM.

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Hirugohan
木曜日: August 22, 2019



Lunch. TL asked if I can go back by 3:30 for health card orientation. 1 hour lunch barely suffice, 30 mins pa kaya?

I plan to send the list of roletakers for Aug 30. I forgot my notes. Bakit antagal maluto ng food ko? Rawrrrr!!!

Hindi ko maintindihan. Bakit lagi nalang tayo nagmamadali, Z?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:16 PM.

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Sunday
日曜日: August 25, 2019



Woke up with chat messages that straight away pissed me off. I slept past 1 to finish club-related stuff and I didn't expect this kind of reaction. It was 7 in the morning.

----

"Wag ka na umalis."

Everyday, I ask the Heavens for guidance. I wonder if this is a part of the Divine Plan. Though he said he's still thinking and that he "might" stay, alam kong hassle sa kanya pag nag stay sya. He probably won't. Wala rin naman akong magagawa. Let's just enjoy whatever's left of the time we have.

-----

Putek, ang busy ko.

I am re-reading The Alchemist book. Sabi dun, pag madalas daw natin kasama yung tao, we start owning them. Then, we want to change them. And that everyone has a clear idea on how others should live their lives but doesn't know how to live their own.

Naiirita na ko. Partly sa sitwasyon, party, sa ilan sa mga taong involved.

But I own my feelings.

Nakakapikon na ang busy ko sa mga bagay na I don't even care about. Putakte. Can I just run off and leave these people?

Actually, I can. Lol.

Why do we want to change people? Why do I want to change people? Wait, do I?

In my over 3 decades of existence, I've learned that even wonderful relationships go sour at some point. And those that last real long are the ones who manage to endure the sour parts. E ang ikli ng pasensya ko... so, 

I don't know.

Will train a contestant on Monday. I can make up excuses on why I can't do this, but I was a contestant too. Nakakaawa rin kasi. Ok lang naman.

But I also need to attend another meeting that we could've avoided if only this person is not so meticulous. I think meticulous is good, but this is rather overboard.

I own my feelings.

Siguro ipagpapabukas ko na ang desisyon pag hindi na ko masyadong naiirita.

-------

Kung ako ang masusunod, ikaw ang gusto kong kasama, hindi sila.

Wait, ako naman ang masusunod dapat, di ba?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:21 AM.

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Real or not real
月曜日: August 26, 2019



Peeta: You love me. Real or not real?

Katniss: Real.

It's hard to be a woman. When hormones mess up with you, it's hard to know when your emotions are real or not. So I always have to ask, "real or not real?" I swear I'm generally happy human being when I'm normal.

---

My head aches from a crying fiesta. I probably slept at around 2am. I checked the Flo app and there, 1 week before red days. Hello, PMS.

Not real. The irritation I felt and is still feeling is probably not real also. 

Will train our contestant tonight. I just want to go home and read my books in peace.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:16 AM.

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Peeta
月曜日: August 26, 2019



You know, I'm a very smart woman and my comprehension is a lot quicker than the average. Hindi naman talaga totoong hindi kita naiintindihan. I just want you to stay a little longer.

Ang kire. Lol.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:21 PM.

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Bad state
火曜日: August 27, 2019



Last night, I slept at 12mn.

Woke up at 2am.

Then 4.

Then 7.

7:15

7:30

7:40

Got tired of waiting for the alarm to ring at 8 so I got up a few minutes earlier.

My head feels heavy and I'm having chills. Even appetite is out of sight. I'm probably sick.

This is not good.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:21 PM.

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Ika apat
金曜日: August 30, 2019



Friday. Apat na araw na kong may sakit. Last Tuesday, 10 hrs akong natulog. 10 effin hours, all in the hope na gumaling na ko kinabukasan. Mejo effective, di na ko nilagnat na ffg day. Pero bumalik ulet kinagabihan, at hanggang ngayon hindi pa ko nilulubayan ng lagnat, ubo, sipon at sakit ng ulo. Aabsent sana ko kaninang umaga kahit na alam kong wala pa kong leave, pero naisip kong 3x a week ko nga lang sya nakikita, aabsent pa ko. Haha. Harot. 

I asked him if Pe*** is still leaving. He said, "tingin ko hindi na rin aalis yun. Hindi nya na ko tinatanong e."

Hindi na RIN??? Hindi ka na ba aalis? 

Lol. Ewan. Baka heto ko hoping they will stay tas ako pala yung aalis. Haha. Ewan ulet.

Getting sickly lately. I'm seriously considering na mag resign na from my position sa club. Napapagod ako. Siguro dahil may sakit ako ngayon. O baka sadyang pagod lang ako.

11am to 8pm parin ang shift ko. For the whole month na daw ng Sept. PK said, baka morning na daw sya next month. Magpapang-abot parin naman siguro. Keri lang. I think this shift is the most ideal for me.

Pag nag shift ang rotation may chance na mapunta ako sa 4am to 1pm shift. Hayst... hindi ko sure kung kaya ko yun. Kaya ko ba yun? Kailangan ko na bang humanap ng bagong trabaho? I really like it here. : (

Sighs. Ang sama ng pakiramdam ko. T_T



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:38 PM.

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C I N D E R E L L A A R E U S
"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep"

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私の名前はZです。

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