Entries for March, 2018
pag hindi mo daw kayang i-explain ang point mo in a very simple and understandable manner, then you don't understand your point enough.
naiirita na ko. hindi ko mabigyang ng decent ending 'tong BSP10 ko. Pag pina-repeat pa ko ulet, ayawan na. magpapaka layu layo nalang ako.
They say that the reason why human beings tend to see the same things differently is that each of us sees things through our own different lenses. Some people see through the “lens of happiness” where everything they see makes them happy. There are those who see things through the “lens of gratitude” where they see things as blessings to be thankful for. There are those who see through the “lens of wow”. To them, everything is a discovery of magic and wonder.
I might’ve seen through many different lenses in my entire lifetime, but there is this one lens that took me some time to really appreciate and understand its purpose. The lens called death.
My understanding of death had been a rollercoaster ride since the time that I gained consciousness of it.
They say that every artist is attracted with death as moths are attracted to a light bulb. Aren’t all of us artists in our own little ways?
When I was younger, I was that artist—or maybe the moth, but either way, my lens of death was covered with glitters, shinning so beautifully I wanted to touch it.
On one fateful night, I had my chance.
I woke up from the screeching sound of tires as the bus I was riding on uncontrollably skidded. Shards of broken glasses were flying in front of me. There was panic. There was blood. I remember the rising curiosity I felt as gravity pulled our bus backwards, approaching a huge column supporting an EDSA flyover. Our bus got nearer, and with so much anticipation, I waited for the collision to happen. “Will it hurt? Will I die?” I asked these questions more with excitement than fear, but about a yard away from the column, the bus stopped. Aside from a sleeve soaked with blood, I survived.
The more something eludes us, the more we want to get a hold of it, don’t we?
I continued liking the idea of death, until the day that it almost hit someone from my family.
The Intensive Care Unit of Nicanor Reyes Medical Foundation was a sterilized room, spacious enough to fit several patients. I have never entered an ICU before. They made us wear Personal Protective Equipment, hospital gown, facemask and all. Dad’s cubicle was at the far corner of the ICU. On my way there, I was able to look at the patients that we passed by. Tubes, barely fluctuating lifelines and pale faces were their common denominator. “These patients look almost dead, why is Dad with them? Are they the dying ones? Is Dad dying?”
A clogged blood vessel caused Dad to have a stroke. You see, I used to ask questions about death with curiosity and excitement, but that time, all that I felt was fear. I wasn’t prepared to lose Dad then. Maybe for the first time, I was scared of death.
Though Dad survived, I started seeing death differently from that moment on. The glitters on my lens were replaced with blurred lines, and suddenly, death didn’t look so beautiful anymore.
(But) I got to see death for what it truly is, only when it actually happened.
Cristina was a friend I had in high school. She was one of the most brilliant people I know. She too was an artist. In our conversations, death was always present. One time, Cristina declared, “I'm gonna die at 30.” Two years ago, just a few months short her 30th birthday, she did. Lymphoma, a cancer related to the white blood cell.
I was on my busiest days of my life when I found out about it. I thought to myself, “Nah, that girl can’t die, she’d been through a lot. That’s just cancer.” I stalled seeing her and proceeded with my busy life thinking she’ll live longer. Because of that assumption, I wasn’t able to see my friend alive.
When I almost died, I looked at death with curiosity. When my father almost died, I looked at it with fear, but nothing compared to the feeling it sent me, when I saw that death could actually happen.
After attending Cristina’s wake, I spent full two weeks sleeping on my parents’ bed. First, because I was scared that my dead friend will visit me. Second, because I wanted to feel that my parents are alive. Every single day of those 2 weeks, I watched my mother breathe as she sleeps. At first, I was scared that she would just stop breathing. Later on, I was just happy that she is still breathing.
The death of Cristina cemented in me the reality that death will come. With glitters and blurred lines removed, I was able to see life through the lens of death clearly.
Fellow Toastmasters and guests, my understanding of death had been a rollercoaster ride since the time that I gained consciousness of it. I learned to love it, fear it, and then see life better through it. Knowing that death will come made me appreciate life more. Knowing that life will end taught me to straighten my priorities to live better and love better.
They say every artist is attracted to death, but only those who learn how to see life from the death’s viewpoint will transform from an artist, into a real master of life. May all of us
may swimming sa club namin bukas. sana maging masaya lahat. sabagay, madalas naman, masaya.
after neto, speech ko na. sighs.
then the following week, swimming ulet.
netong mga nakaraan araw, bukod sa pamomroblema (hindi pag-iisip) kung paano ko maayos yung speech ko, wala naman ako masyadong ginawa.
i played with the dogs.
i played swimming with kaitlyn in her inflatable swimming pool.
nagluto ng egg at napaso. itlog na nga lang, napaso pa ko.
naghiwa rin ako ng singkamas tas dumerecho yung kutsilyo sa daliri ko.
bukod sa konting mga disgrasya, wala namang kakaiba.
all trivial stuff.
pero sa tingin ko, masaya naman ako.
may tinag syang girl sa isang meme tungkol sa paborito naming libro.
take note: paborito NAMING libro.
hindi mo naman ita-tag yung tao kung wala kayong connection di ba?
pero in a way. ok lang naman.
i checked the girl a bit.
kamukha ko ba? or guni guni ko lang ba?
tas taga SJDM din.
pero ok lang naman talaga.
come to think of it, J is every bit like R too, isnt he?
i dreamt of R a few days back. J was there too. in the dream, i chose j. then in the end, i left them both kasi may pupuntahan daw akong wedding. when i woke up, i squeezed my brains to make myself remember whose wedding was that. hindi ko na talaga naalala.
march na. maayos pa naman ang puso ko na sinalanta ng february. pero ok naman ako ngayon. mejo masaya. pero minsan, naiinis parin. hindi yata talaga maiihihiwalay ang inis pag may tao kang pinapahalagahan.
sa ngayon, gusto ko muna na chill lang.
Written by cinderellaareus at 03:33 PM.
12:12 na ng madaling araw. Inaatok na rin naman ako, yet here i am, typing.
Election na kasi ulet sa club. Kanina, jay sent a message sa instagirls GC asking for recommendations sa pwedeng inominate para daw makapag exchange notes. Idk. Parang dati kasi chill lang naman at walang ganitong anik. Maybe because there's this someone who expressed a desire to get the highest position or the next. I wonder if thet really dont want to have this someone get the position this much. Naiintindihan ko rin naman why.
LA said that both Jay and I are eligible to be the Pres. I told her i dont want to and that money is my reason. I thought Jay too was the same kasi she didnt include her name too sa list na sinend nya. When i asked, she said she's ok to be the Presi basta strong ang VPE. She's rooting for Jer for that position.
Hay... ewan ko. Nakakawalang gana talaga ang politika. I told them im not running para makapag focus ako sa love life. Syempre, joke lang yon.
Tingin ko, mamimiss ko parin maging officer at malulungkot rin ako kung sakaling hindi ako mano-nominate at iboboto bilang president. Dont get me wrong, i support jay with all my heart. Ayoko rin naman talaga maging president. Nakakapagod, nakakatamad at magastos. Ni ayoko na nga rin maging officer. Pero kasi, kung hindi nila ako ino nominate/ibo-boto, feeling ko ibig sabihin non, hindi nila ko love. Malulungkot lang naman ako for that reason, pero makakamove on rin naman ako.
Sabi ni Gabby, si Jay at Jer daw ang 2 sa mga popular contenders sa club. I love them both and i'd be happy if either of them wins. Pero kasi, bunso ako in our family, kaya hindi talaga ako sanay na hindi ako yung favorite. Pero ok lang naman talaga. Huhu.
Grabe, para akong 2 years old.
Swimming with the people in the club in more than 12 hours. Earlier, excited pa ko, until i learned that people I'm not close with will come. Theyre from another. Parang ayoko na tuloy pumunta.
Written by cinderellaareus at 12:49 AM.
Woke up in the silence of our house.
Wala nga pala si Kaitlyn. Sinundo ata sila kaninang madaling araw ng kanyang lolo't lola.
It was just Mom, Dad, me and the dogs.
It was almost lunch when I woke up. Dad cooked.
I was supposed to leave 1230 if i wanted to get to our speak & swim venue at 3 o'clock, but mom was sitting at our sofa playing pet rescue. She asked me to help her finish a level. I failed, but love playing and just sitting next to Mom like that.
At about 2, Mom decided to bathe the pups so i locked gigi up the store and let the pups roam around the sala while Mom bathes them one by one. I watched them run and play and bully each other.
I love moments like these. In silence and simplicity, spending time with people (and animals) i love.
In the end, i left the house at 4 and got to the venue past six.
Got to the venue. Ok naman. Mejo na disappoint ako kasi na bring up na naman yung election. Sobrang off ako sa workplace, clubs, etc na mapolitika and it pains me seeing us transforming into one. Mejo naiinis na ko.
I was just so relieved when Bea came dahil with Bea, for sure ang topic, love life.
After non, mukhang humupa naman na. Until Jer came up to me convincing me again to run. I had to shut him off.
Sa tingin ko, hindi naman mapolitika si Jer. Bothered lang sya na hindi na ko mag o officer. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ba talaga ang issue e meron namang nomination. I'm getting sick of this, really. I wish that the election will be over already.
I'm also starting to feel sorry for the boy. Ang hirap kasi to talk with and smile at him kung kasali ako sa nagko-conspire para iba ang manalo at hindi sya. Besides, it's just 1 term. I'm sure the club won't just shatter in a year and it's just one person! There are 6 positions left that a few good members can fill. Kailangan ba talaga namin gawin to? Nakakawalang gana.
Oo nga pala, hindi pa nga pala ko renewed.
Hitched a ride home sa car ni Bea. Before we go, MaAnn showed us around sa Victoria tower. It was so nice. Looking at the model units made me want to get married and build a family.
Habang tinitingnan ko yung rooms, iniisip ko nga kung magugutuhan nya. Alam kong anlayo pa namin dun. I dont know if magiging even a step nearer man lang kami dun. Siguro sadyang futuristic lang ang mga babae.
-ano bang magandang nadudulot sayo na may alam kang isa pang language?
-wala. Pwede ko lang ipagmayabang na trilingual ako.
-balak ko kasi mag-aral ng Chinese
-maganda yun kasi sasakupin na tayo ng China.
-oo nga, unahan na naten sila.
-tama! Magtayo tayo ng language school!
-maganda yata magtayo ng Language school.
I'm pretty sure, narinig nya.
Iniisip ko kung may patutunguhan ba talaga kami ng taong to.
Kasi kung hindi rin lang e bago ko pa simulang planuhin ang future ko kasama sya, kailangan makahanap na ko ng iba.
Promise, ang hirap maging babae.
Written by cinderellaareus at 01:14 AM.
every time that i try to fix my speech,
i feel like it gets even worse.
"umiinom si za*?!"
people's reaction every time they see me with a beer in hand.
i started drinking 15 years ago, what's up with that?
i wonder why people always assume that i dont drink, in the same way they assume that im always single.
Written by cinderellaareus at 10:45 AM.
Some old sheesh i got from the trash (mula sa jurassic era pa). i kinda enjoy reading this. gave me a good laugh. lol.
(70) <his name here>
(69) Ingat pretty : )
(67) ganda mo kanina kaya nadidistract ako. hahaha
(66) uy baka napipikon ka ah.. alaskador lang ako talaga. mahilig kasi ako mag said ng alaska condensed milk nung bata pa ko hahaha
(65) oo eh... hahaha
(64) Di ah... pretty ka naman...
(63) kung di nga lang bawal baka inaya na kita lumabas hahaha
(62) Peeaccee : p san ka na?
(61) Nakasakay ka na?
(60) Yeah... pero cant be... mahirap na... hahaha baka may masabi ang madlang people...
(59) saka baka mag ***n ka pa ako pa masisi hahahaha
(58) hoy... baka mag ***n ka ha loka lolsss
(57) pero alam mo... dapat sumama ka sa t*@ b@!#ng para na idisplay mo yung pinag dietan mo. hahaha. pisss ; p
(56) hahaha di naman
(55) wak ka muna magtt... baka nasa jeep ka pa or nag aantay ng masasakyan
(53) hahaha... nice... san k na?
(51) If wala ka bf... kelan ka last nag ka bf?
(50) hahaha speechless o na agaw ang celfone? : p joke
(49) hahaha... are you seeing some right now or maybe seeing someone exclusive? nakkss pang miss pilippines mga tanong ah hahaha...
(48) ohhh? ok...
(47) hmm... wala naman...
(46) complicated ako masyado siguro eh...
(45) why? what do you mean you thought so?
(44) oo nga... kaya nga ok lang ako ng hang out and have company of friends or girl buddies ko once in a while
(43) kahit ikaw naman siguro di ka makikipag sa katulad ko hahaha... at ma#@!* mo pa hahaha
(42) hahaha yun nga eh...
(41) eh ikaw bat wala kang bf?
(39) masyado k pla seryoso... ako binabaling ko n lang sa #o*&... if may girl n natipuhan... ill see her and hang out. if hindi nag click eh di wala
(38) oo naman... enjoy while it last and if it clicks- go - pag hindi no one to blame...
(37) mas preferred ko yung ganun... everytime i see someone naman i make sure na sya lang and im honest
(36) umuulan na ulet
(35) why? recently ba you had a guy na ganyan ang setup nyo?
(34) hmnn why? tama ba ko?
(33) sorry to ask... nagkaron knb ng relationship with a married guy?
(32) wala lang... akala ko lang...
(31) nope. you're not... and i dont mind if you had a past relationship like that... no one should mind about it... were adults and its a decision someone made so respect na lang.
(30) sa isang banda... pano kung sinabi ko na you're giving me that kind of impression? magagalit ka ba?
(29) haha men will be men... we have this instinct and likes na there something great with women na tahimik : )
(28) no offense
(27) haha which question?
(26) ahh so **** ka pang naging guy na married and i guess its *** in your head *&* in your w%^&dest dreams haha
(25) yeah what?
(23) malayo ka pa ba sa inyo?
(22) hahaha... ok...
(21) na iimagine ko yung dimples mo hahaha
(20) theyre nice...
(19) hahaha just keep this conversation between the 2 of us and a#@ p@#*&! and w@!^% at the same time at ****.
(18) haha meron naman sa tingin ko hahaha
(17) pero na distract mo ko kanina ah... kase eh. lakas ng dating mo saken kanina... and your lips... hahaha man! kaka tuwa na nakakagigil. hahaha peaccee
(16) keep it that way..
yung lagi kang smiling
pretty ka naman eh
(15) hahaha i guess ok na suggestion yan...
(14) and which part is scary? kaloka ka hahaha
(12) dont be mad at me on this... pero i think youre a great kisser (may nag sabi na ba sayo?)
(11) hahaha well... id like to try to find out
(10) pero di naman syempre pede di ba?
(9) : p
(8) (di na nag reply)
hehehe churi naman...
(7) lasing? hindi ah...
hindi naman ako pala inom... anong mejo?
(6) mejo galet ka? hehehe sorry
(5) hahaha tange..
seryoso yun... kakain ko nga lang eh
(4) bawal eh... saka wala sa isip mo yung mga ganung bagay...
(3) layo ka pa?
(1) Good morning! san kana po? wak ma le $@!% ah.
Kahit ano pang language yan, isa lang ang interpretation ko sa silence.
I'm pretty sure you heard it when I said I prefer that over setting things clear. Na I want to keep my pride intact.
So, ayan na ba yon?
Ok. Gets ko.
Written by cinderellaareus at 03:28 PM.
So i slept super late last night. Tipong umaga na. Mga 2AM. Tas as I slept, i woke up because I've lost the feel of the pillow under my head. Pag gising ko, i found every single pillow I have on my bed (i have 4) neatly piled up beside me.
I WAS SLEEPING ALONE. And I don't pile up my pillows that way.
This is not funny. Huhu. T_T
"Best feeling is when you just naturally click with a person. Talking all day, every day, no forceful conversation, laughs, attention. They are worth their weight in gold, don’t lose them." —Samantha Lee Loper
Well, I tried.
Written by cinderellaareus at 06:14 PM.
An fb friend posted something like, "kung tutusin, lahat naman tayo blessed. Madrama lang talaga tayo."
I cannot agree more.
Got to the office on time.
Partner helped me attend to some painful customer. The issue was resolved in the end.
When I got off the bus on my way home, Mom and Kaitlyn were waiting for me.
Sis-in-law cooked sopas and it was so good.
BFF said she'll buy a swimsuit from my swimwear line.
My beautiful cousins said they will too.
Alam ko. Blessed ako. I am greatful.
I just can't explain this unhappiness. This dissatisfaction. And disappointment.
Probably the time of the month.
Siguro din, namimiss lang kita. As much as i want to have you have a taste of your own medicine, it sucks that the thought of you hurting hurts me too.
Sa isa sa mga paborito kong kdrama, may isang lalaking nagtanong dun sa bidang lalaki kung paano daw magiging kasing cool nya para sya rin maging popular sa girls. Ang sagot nung bida, ang cool daw e yung taong nagmamahal ng malaya. Nagmamahal na hindin nagho-hold back out of fear na baka sya yung higit na nagmamahal kesa dun sa other person.
Gets ko ung point. I think, what messes up loving e pride. Pero puteeek, ang hirap kasi nung wala yung pride. Ewan.
Sabi sa talk show na napanood ko noon, hindi mo daw masasabing nagmamahal ka kung hindi ka nasasaktan. Tingin ko hindi naman laging ganun. Hindi DAPAT laging ganun.
Kaya kanina, dumaan ako sa chap bago umuwi. Twing dinadapuan ako ng lungkot, feeling ko sinasadya lang yun ni God dahil gusto Nya kong makausap. Kanina i asked the Heavens for a love na hindi masakit.
Para maiba naman.
Written by cinderellaareus at 09:44 PM.
A lot of things are breaking my heart today that i'm surprised i'm even standing.
pero sa tingin ko talaga PMS lang to. pak this.
lakas ko pa kumain kung kelan i plan to wear swimsuit sa outing namin this sat.
pero keber. magsi swimsuit ako. sana lang kasya.
namimiss ko na mag swimming. the last time i swim was 2 weeks ago.
we handed one of our pups to his new owner. soon, the others will go too, leaving only my riri behind.
the new owner of the 1st pup lives just accross the house so everytime i hear a wailing animal, i go crazy.
this is just so heartbreaking. i know mom's heartbroken too. if only we can give them a better life here. T_T
"Savings namin un ni Zah. Sabi ko sa kanya mag** ulit sya dun para makaipon kami."
a friend sent me a screenshot from the convo she had with the boy.
The "kami ni zah" joke. Bow.
pag kami lang, hindi naman sya ganyan kalandi.
alam ko naman joke lang.
pero di ba, jokes are half meant?
still, joke parin.
putek, nako confuse ako.
ayoko na nga.
Written by cinderellaareus at 03:34 PM.
sabi ni einstein, kung feeling mo daw, nagawa mo na lahat, feeling mo lang yun.
the past weekend was an all time high. activities and duties in business and personal life were clashing, but in the end, naayos naman ang lahat. siguro nga totoong hindi dapat pinoproblema ang problema at siguro mas mainam na minsan hayaan mo ang problema na problemahin ang sarili nya. lol.
ang saya ko lang nung unang beses na may umorder sa shop ko sa Lazada. Feeling ko kasi, 'wow, this is it! mabebenta na na parang hotcakes ang paninda ko'... tapos after non, ayun kahit view, wala. lol.
pag feeling mo nagawa mo na lahat, feeling mo lang yun.
the club's been pretty messed up yesterday. there's some issue that's starting to get out of hand. i wish i can tell the details here.
kung kagabi ko siguro sinulat to, ang dami ko pang nasabi, pero kasi parang humupa na naman yung issue. still, sana maging maayos lahat. malapit na rin kasi mag May. 7th anniversary na namin. kung ako ang masusunod, gusto ko sana na kumpleto kami. pero kasi, inaalala ko rin yung taong affected. ang g*go rin kasi ni..... sighssss! bakit ba ang complicated ng buhay pag may taong involved?
kung saken siguro ginawa yun, things will be a whole lot different. kung may ipinagpapasalamat ako from getting old, siguro yun e on how the years in my age thought me to handle as*holes like a pro.
speaking of getting old. damang dama ko na bes...
bilang holy week, i've been sparing a few minutes sa chap every morning. ang ganda ganda ng vibe sa chap pag holy week. feeling ko nga nandun talaga si God. i love the chap, but i love it so much more pag holy week.
dahil din dito nalaman ko na nasa point na talaga ako ng buhay ko na pag luluhod ako sa pew to complete entire rosary, sumusuko na yung tuhod ko. ang hirap tumayo, teh. wah! old age. huhu.
ang sarap ng tulog ko lately. kahet mejo late narin talaga ko natutulog kakalaro ng cellphone, at least nakakatulog parin ako ng maayos.
all my life, ive been used to the kind of love that gives sleepless night.
may klase rin pala ng love that will keep you sound asleep and well-rested. I like the latter so much better.
"tita, hugas ako kamay," she said.
i took a tabo full of water. cutely, she picked the small piece of soap from the soap holder.
she then cutely rubbed the soap onto her cute little hands.
she motioned to me that she's ready to rinse her hands, so i let her.
i cant understand why those hands so tiny require 3 tabos full of water to rinse. not one, not two, but three!
once finished, she cutely glanced at me asking for a 4th tabo. painfully, i had to say no. she will then cutely walk towards the laundry basket and cutely wipe her cute little hands dry.
she cutely walked away towards the dining table after that.
sighs... i love that girl so much. i wonder if my kaitlyn can ever do anything without being cute.
it just made me wonder... will i ever be a mother too one day?
i wasnt even that keen on getting married until i realized how compatible our values are and the things we like. i remember i liked you because i once saw R in you. i no longer do. still, compatibility didnt work for me back then. i dont know how can it work for me now.
pero siguro, hindi ko naman talaga dapat iniisip tong mga bagay na to sa ngayon.
Written by cinderellaareus at 03:46 PM.
Sabi kasi, imbis daw na maging driven kang makatakas sa gusto mong takasan, dapat ang drive mo e galing dun sa gusto mong puntahan.
Ano bang gagawin ko pag mayaman na ko?
Siguro papa ombre ako ng buhok. Papa treatment ko na rin para gumanda. Syempre, isasama ko si mama para parehas naming lalong gumanda.
Gusto ko rin gumala. Pero ako lang mag isa. Gusto ko yung tahimik. Tapos may dagat. Bigla ko tuloy namiss yung Boracay. Bakit kaya may tahimik feel ang dagat kahit di naman talaga?
Gusto kong bumili ng Dr. Martens na boots kahit hindi ko sure kung may kasya ba saken.
Gusto ko rin mag aral ng acting. Wala lang, para gumaling na ko sa pag dedeliver ng speech.
Tapos aattend ako ng discon sa cebu. Gusto ko ma meet si dananjaya. Shet! Kailangan ko pala talagang umattend ng discon. Huhu.
Gusto ko rin tumira sa cebu for a while. Kakain sa zubuchon kahit meron naman na sa megamall.
Pupunta ko sa parang castle na simbahan sa sibonga.
Gusto ko lang siguro mag isip isip.
Kahit sa imagination ko, inclined parin sa pagtakas. Sighs... Gusto ko na yumaman.
Last workday of the week tomorrow. OB ang APAC so malamang kami lang ni partner. Since he doesnt really stay much, im actually looking forward to being alone. Normal ba pag ang tao eh excited maging mag-isa? I dont know.
I love silence. I also love the feeling of liberation pag nag-iisa. I do love spending time with people i like though, and I dont really hate spending time with people i dont. I just like being alone.
Nag leave ako ng Monday and Tuesday so its my turn naman to have a long weekend.
On Sunday, mom and i will shop for new eyeglasses sa Quiapo since the ones we have is already hurting our heads. Nagbago na naman ata yung grado ko. I love Quiapo, I'm excited. Besides, the headaches have been more persistent lately. Kailangan na rin talaga. Mon and tues were scheduled for a movie day out.
Ang simple lang ng mga araw ko. Hindi pa naman kasi ako mayaman. Pero sa totoo lang, masaya rin naman ako sa ganito.
Still, sana yumaman na ko.
Gusto ko rin kasi talaga mag pa ombre. Bagay kaya saken ang pink?
Written by cinderellaareus at 07:29 PM.