Entries for February, 2019
"Hindi ka sasagot ha. Sige mag ha hire ako ng iimbistiga."--- or something that goes to this line. Lol.
Alam ko namang joke lang. But this is not the first time someone said this to me. Hindi ko naman talaga gusto isekreto. Ayoko lang na alam ng buong mundo ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. I have to say I'm a bit scared. Jokes are half meant di ba. I guess I don't really want them to know. Tengene, papa private investigator nya ba ko? Nakakapraning tong taong to.
It's a coffee and cake Friday. TM night tonight. It's been a while since I last attended. Tinantamad pa ko.
I'm reading the latest Bob Ong book I got a few days back. Kinikilig ang fangirl heart ko. Nakakatuwa, magkakilala rin ata sila ni Manix. Yaaaaa!!!
Dear fangirl heart,
Please calm down. Please calm down.
Umaambon ngayon. Sa loob ng coffee shop na kinauupuan ko, may nakikita na naman akong condo.
Kagabi, sa aking pagmumuni muni, naisip ko na ano kaya kung magturo ako sa mga engineering students? Gusto ko lang i-explore yung options. I think I can do that. Paano kaya? Magkano kaya? Iniisip ko if that kind of job can support me and my family and our current lifestyle. I can't go back from the start at this point. If I'll start giving my mother less than what I've been giving her, that would cause our family some trouble. It is at times like this that I'm thankful for being single. Kung may asawa siguro ako ngayon, or kahit anak lang, ang gulo gulo siguro mg buhay ko.
It's Feb 1 now. I've wasted the first full month of 2019 watching koreanovela, but the truth is, it doesn't feel like so.
For a long while, ngayon ko lang ulet naramdaman na things are falling into place. Now that I'm no longer trying too hard. Siguro hindi naman talaga kailangang mabuhay too uptight, trying to control everything in order to attain a certain future you wish for yourself. I feel more at ease and at peace now. Surely there are times when I feel scared and worried, but those feelings are more manageable now. Sana nga talagang things will work out for the better for the rest of the year.
Dalawa lang talaga ang pangarap ko sa buhay. Yung isa natupad ko na 11 years ago. Go to Japan. The other one, hindi pa.
33 years na ko sa mundo, pero sa tingin ko hindi pa ako nagmamahal.
I thought I did. Pero naiintindihan ko na ngayon.
There was one time I came too close to loving but didn't really end up so.
You see... I saw that person hurting and I just stood there and watched him bleed. Ginagawa ba yun ng taong nagmamahal?
So yeah. It wasn't love. And I plan to stop concluding from there because the more I try to figure things out, the more the answers are starting to scare me.
I don't want to doubt my own capacity to love. Tengene, parang ang alien mo naman kung yung basic human emotion na yan, hindi mo kayang gawain. Tengene.
So yeah. One day, patutunayan kong kaya kong gawain yan.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:10 PM.
She was a little clingier than usual when I got home a few days back. I thought she's just demanding for scratches so I gave her some. I noticed how she wailed when I told her to creep out from under the bed. By the following day, the wailing came more often and she started to eat sparingly.
Our Mongee is my late dog's only offspring. She's the family's favorite and we consider her as our bunso. Earlier, Mom called that Gigi is getting worse. She called our family vet, but he just had an operation in his stomach daw so he couldn't come. We will have to find another doctor.
August 26, 2016 was the date that my baby Thangs left me. Everytime that any of our dogs get so sick, I will beg the Heavens for mercy. They ended up dying still.
Pag feeling mo hindi ka naman pakikinggan ng Diyos, kanino ka magdadasal?
Sana pag uwi ko, buhay pa si Giloid.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:46 PM.
Everyday, I wake up confused whether I'm home or in my place around Metro. Every. Single. Day.
Today I'm home. This will probably mess up my body clock, but what the eff.
Rayuma daw ang sakit ng aming Mongee. I should have known. She's 10 years old. Rinda, our oldest dog, is 11 and has far more illnesses than Gigi does but she was never as maarte.
Gigi was raised as the favorite after all. My niece and Gigi often fight because she's threatening her spot as the favorite. 10 years and she doesn't realize still that she's a dog and not a person.
In a way, I feel bad that I always blame God for the bad things and I always treat Him like a genie as if he owes me or something. I'm so sorry.
When the year started, I promised I wouldn't walk in situations that will just lead to heartbreaks. Looks like it's not as easy as I thought, but I seem to be hanging on good.
Neri's wedding on Saturday. Exact same date as the Division contest. We're planning to go after the wedding. I already told Gabby. I just remembered I'm meeting Mom's friends lunch time by the following day.
Next weekend is also taken. We booked a place to stay 3 days 2 nights around Metro. Singles bonding shalala. Hindi naman talaga single lahat. Lol. Now that I'm renting a place near the office, this feels like a real waste of money.
V-day next week. I feel like I'm gonna get sick.
Please don't ask annoying questions.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:29 PM.
"Tinakot ko lang yun kaya nya ko papakasalan. Sabi ko sa kanya gusto ko ikasal this year at dapat next year may anak na ko. Kung hindi nya ako papakasalan, hahanap ako ng ibang magpapakasal sakin."- some girl-friend.
I asked the same girl-friend how she managed to withhold sex with her fiance despite all his urging. She said, "takot akong maiwan e. Baka pag nakuha nya na gusto nya, takbuhan nya na ko." Then she bounced back the question, "ikaw, bakit hindi ka pa nakikipag sex?"
Lol. I didn't see that coming.
I again asked this girl-friend what will she do if she found out that the man she's marrying is impotent or incapable of having sex. Will she call off the wedding? She told me, "ok lang. Gusto ko lang syang kasama. Masaya na ko kahit nag ki kiss lang kami."
That made me see her in a different light. If it had been me, I don't think I'll be okay with it. Would you?
P!nk is one of the people I look up to. Not so much for her music, but more for her character. I saw a post about her kiddos giving her a home-made Grammy's thophy. Since her kids are little, I'm pretty sure the husband had a lot to do with it. I thought it's pretty awesome, so I searched about their love story.
A table topic at the meeting last week said, "if love has a face, how would it look like?" And the speaker said, "ugly". Seeing P!nk's love story, I guess it's probably true.
I remember the lines in her song, "at the same time I wanna hug you, I wanna wrap my hands around your neck. You're an asshole, but I love you and you make me so mad I ask myself, why I'm still here, but where could I go? You're the only love I've ever known...."
And then, "but I hate you, I really hate you. So much I think it must be true love."
I forgot my point.
V-day tomorrow. Hang in there, single people.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 05:51 PM.
I'm supposed to wake up at 3am today to get to the office before 7am. Great, I just woke up. It's 7:14.
I spent the day yesterday sleeping everywhere I went; at Tito's couch, bus seats, our sofa and so on. I'm used to having very little sleep. I don't know why I felt so sleep deprived.
It was a bonding weekend with the girls. We booked a place around QC where we just slept, ate and watched movies. I didn't know that two of our guy friends will join us. The clothes I brought were thin and short and I brought very few bras. I just find it funny when the guys left for awhile for the day's engagement, Bea was like "tatanggalin ko na yung bra ko." Lol.
Gay guys they may be, but I guess I'm not the only one who still see them as men.
If I had known that people will ask about you in the future, I wouldn't have immortalized you in my speeches. That's one regret I have. I wonder if I should just deny your existence just so people will stop asking questions.
I just want you to leave my life silently, completely and without causing me so much hassle.
If being given a choice between the easy and the difficult, which one will you choose?
I will always, always choose the most convenient.
"Wag mo na asarin si Z, marupok yan."
He said the same thing back when we were with Sasi. I wonder what makes him think that way. I also wonder if he's right. Right now, I don't think so.
Surely, I get easily fascinated. But as to liking, there are very few people I've ended up liking for these past 3 years. Well you can't add Park Si Hoo, Lee Min Ho, Gong Yu, Lee Seung Gi, Taron Egerton, Tom Holland, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans, Tom Hiddleston, (the list is too long), and the others to that. They're not real people.
The real people I liked are very few. I think I only had two.
And they like eachother.
18 days before bff's wedding. Man, how did I get this fat? I tried my gown on last night. It barely fit. I looked pregnant. Lol. Who cares. My beautiful skin can more than compensate.
Who am I fooling? Lol.
Bff chose violet for me. The rest of her bridesmaids will be wearing Lilac. When I complained why I wouldn't get to wear the same pretty color, she just said, "maputi ka naman."
Though the color looked quite nice, I think bff failed to consider that she will be sending me to the resort the day before the wedding and I'll be swimming my hearts out and by the time her wedding came, malamang negneg na ko. Sana hindi ako magmukhang inihaw na talong. Lol.
Sa totoo lang, ok lang naman. My entire family will be there. I'm too excited to care much about how I'd look like. And besides, bff said walang masyadong single na lalaki dun, so ok lang. Ang sarap lang kasing mag reklamo just to annoy the people close to your heart, lalo na't alam mo na di naman sila magagalit. I remember during Nini's wedding I told her na gusto ko yung gown ko nakatago yung braso ko at di kita legs ko. She complied down to my last specification.
I'm happy that my friends found amazing men to be their forever partner. Someone once asked kung hindi daw ba ako naiinggit and the answer is no. I often wonder if that's normal, but I'm glad I'm not.
Someone was lecturing me about clarity just a few weeks ago.
I hate questions and clarity requires so much asking and I hate that. Pero alam ko rin na without it, I'll blindly let the days drag by without knowing exactly where I want to go. It's like living life just to get over it until it's actually over. Masaya ba yun? I remember what Aggy said during the Anything-goes: have a goal, but keep an open mind. Siguro dapat ganun.
Do your best, and then let go.
Okay, it's time to ask questions. Boy, I'd rather sleep.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:29 AM.
I miss the time when I feel so ready and confident. Parang math exam. Parang engineering mechanics. Nakakamiss.
So I just turned down a gig offer that would have earned me money. The last time I accepted the same job, I earned for 3 hours what I could've earned for a week. Kung kelan I could use having more money.
Back in the day, I was all, "do something that scares you" and shit. Right now, ayoko na mastress. I wonder if slacking off like this will do me any good.
My body is telling me I need rest. I'm not even tired. I wonder when did I lose my motivation to strive harder.
Puteeek. I feel so bad. Sayang yung pera! T_T
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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:15 PM.
On March 9, with my violet long gown on, I'll be walking down the aisle for my best friend's wedding.
The following day, just 46 kilometers from the venue, someone will be suiting up for his bride.
Wow. What a joke, Universe.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 05:52 PM.
My head aches. Insomnia has been visiting me from time to time. Not as often as back in the day. Still, this devil is far from welcome.
It was quite a busy night at the club last night. I tried to finish my dinner before 7 so we can start on time. When I got back to my senses, I've noticed the rice on my plate is almost finished. I'm not supposed to eat rice.
Mom bought some chocolate drink for me and my niece. I'm not really that keen about losing weight if it wasn't for the gown that I'm supposed to wear. I remember a few years back, Atkins wasn't this hard. I used to lose 1 kilo per day, but now I don't know if I've lost any weight at all.
Pagtapos ng kasalang ito, kakainin ko na lahat ng gusto kong kainin. Wahhh! Gusto ko ng pizza.
I'm a bit worried. I don't even know what I should be worried about.
I used to think that the club is probably jinxed because the people there who came single remained single for a very long time.
But Neri had just gotten married.
Trina, Bea and another-Instagirl-who-must-not-be-named are now in a relationship.
Has the jinx been lifted? Can I go next now, Universe?
"Maganda ka naman kahit walang make up."
"Ihahatid kita kahit ikaw lang."
For someone who has made it his life's goal to annoy me, it kinda feel eerie when he's sounding a lot nicer like this.
Ano kayang nakain nitong taong to?
"Shall I go next now, Universe?"
Gah, that's so funny.
Attending Dean's MSME course on Wednesday.
It will be nice if I'll meet someone interesting.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:27 PM.
So we were at Shakeys. So much for Atkins diet. Sighs.
Mom also won 4-digits worth of meal from some resto. I was the one who sent the entry. We're claiming it a week before the wedding. Sana nadadaan sa pakiusapan or prayover ang body fats.
Things look bad. I wonder how can I help fix things when all I can do is watch from the sidelines and wait for an update.
And the person involved didn't even bother to answer my messages. Mejo nakakaasar in a way. But then, what's there to do?
Kaitlyn was having tantrums because her parents refused to buy her a unicorn dolphin stuffed toy. When Mom found out, she bought it immediately. Dad is also planning to spend 7k to have Kaitlyn learn piano. It's all good. I love my niece too and I'm not very far from a doting Tita. It's just that...
Since my niece is receiving so much love from all of us, I just wonder that if I'll ever have a child in the future, will there be enough love left for him?
Boy, I really wish to have my own kids already. While my parents are still here and I want them to spoil my children too. Kahit isa nga lang, ok na. Still, I have no plans on getting myself pregnant just for it. I want my children to have a complete family, and a good one at that. It's all or nothing.
As to how I'm going to fulfill this wish, sa totoo lang, I have no idea.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:38 PM.
So I watched the vid, alright. Sure there was tightening in the chest and when the boy moved his face towards the girl's, teasing for a kiss, I felt like wanting to punch the wall.
But that was all. Halfway the video, my eyebrows are flying as to why his hairstyle has to look like that.
Ok na. Ayoko narin. K tnx bye.
Absolute zero sleep last night. It's 8:48. I should be catching up some sleep.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:52 PM.
I've heard about it quite late last year. Yung feast ng Divine Mercy. I just checked and this year, it falls on April 28. I'll be in Cebu then. I told Jay beforehand para may kasama ako humanap ng simbahan kahit discon then. Sana may maabutan kaming mass.
Sa totoo lang, hindi naman talaga ako religious na tao. In fact, it's been ages since I've seen a mass. Pero...
For the nth time, I've read it again just now. Yung message ni Jesus na nirelay nya kay St. Faustina. Nakakaiyak pa rin. It's hard not to love this Guy talaga. Funny, the image that I've been clinging on to for almost 10 years now dun sa paborito kong chapel sa Megamall e image pala ng Divine Mercy. Lately ko lang nalaman through Jenny.
Wala lang. Read this if you're Catholic or if feel mo lang. Maybe you'll fall in love with Jesus too:
(1) I desire that the Feast of Mercy be a refuge and shelter for all souls, and especially for poor sinners. On that day the very depths of My tender mercy are open. I pour out a whole ocean of graces upon those souls who approach the fount of My mercy. The soul that will go to Confession and receive Holy Communion shall obtain complete forgiveness of sins and punishment. On that day all the divine floodgates through which grace flow are opened. Let no soul fear to draw near to Me, even though its sins be as scarlet. Diary 699 [Note: confession does not have to be done on the Sunday itself. Beforehand is fine]
(2) Mankind will not have peace until it turns with trust to My Mercy. —St. Faustina’s Diary300
(3) Let all mankind recognize My unfathomable mercy. It is a sign for the end times; after it will come the day of justice. Diary 848
(4) He who refuses to pass through the door of My mercy must pass through the door of My justice... Diary 1146
(5) Souls perish in spite of My bitter Passion. I am giving them the last hope of salvation; that is, the Feast of My Mercy. If they will not adore My mercy, they will perish for all eternity. Diary 965
(6) My Heart overflows with great mercy for souls, and especially for poor sinners. If only they could understand that I am the best of Fathers to them and that it is for them that the Blood and Water flowed from My Heart as from a fount overflowing with mercy. Diary 367
(7) These rays shield souls from the wrath of My Father. Happy is the one who will dwell in their shelter, for the just hand of God shall not lay hold of him. I desire that the first Sunday after Easter be the Feast of Mercy. Diary 299
(8) My daughter, write that the greater the misery of a soul, the greater its right to My mercy; [urge] all souls to trust in the unfathomable abyss of My mercy, because I want to save them all. Diary 1182
(9) The greater the sinner, the greater the right he has to My mercy. My mercy is confirmed in every work of My hands. He who trusts in My mercy will not perish, for all his affairs are Mine, and his enemies will be shattered at the base of My footstool. Diary723
(10) [Let] the greatest sinners place their trust in My mercy. They have the right before others to trust in the abyss of My mercy. My daughter, write about My mercy towards tormented souls. Souls that make an appeal to My mercy delight Me. To such souls I grant even more graces than they ask. I cannot punish even the greatest sinner if he makes an appeal to My compassion, but on the contrary, I justify him in My unfathomable and inscrutable mercy. Diary1146
(11) I want to grant a complete pardon to the souls that will go to Confession and receive Holy Communion on the Feast of My mercy. Diary 1109
(12) I desire trust from My creatures. Encourage souls to place great trust in My fathomless mercy. Let the weak, sinful soul have no fear to approach Me, for even if it had more sins than there are grains of sand in the world, all would be drowned in the unmeasurable depths of My mercy. Diary1059
(13) I demand the worship of My mercy through the solemn celebration of the Feast and through the veneration of the image which is painted. By means of this image I shall grant many graces to souls. It is to be a reminder of the demands of My mercy, because even the strongest faith is of no avail without works. Diary 742
(14) Tell [all people], My daughter, that I am Love and Mercy itself. When a soul approaches Me with trust, I fill it with such an abundance of graces that it cannot contain them within itself, but radiates them to other souls. Jesus, Diary 1074
(15) I am offering people a vessel with which they are to keep coming for graces to the fountain of mercy. That vessel is this image with the signature: "Jesus, I trust in You." Diary 327 (16) I promise that the soul that will venerate this image will not perish. I also promise victory over [its] enemies already here on earth, especially at the hour of death. I Myself will defend it as My own glory. Jesus, Diary 48
(17) Souls who spread the honor of My mercy I shield through their entire lives as a tender mother her infant, and at the hour of death I will not be a Judge for them, but the Merciful Savior. At that last hour, a soul has nothing with which to defend itself except My mercy. Happy is the soul that during its lifetime immersed itself in the Fountain of Mercy, because justice will have no hold on it. Diary 1075
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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:33 PM.
I do have money. But I'm going on a trip to Cebu late April to May for about a week and I'm anticipating so much gastos. So from 200/day, I'm lowering my budget to 100 daily. As to how that can suffice for 3 decent meals a day, I have no idea.
I feel so blessed today. See, without spending a single cent, I was able to attend a seminar and listen to big people from the industry. I'm already grateful that they also gave us free book and ballpen, but I was quite over the roof when I found out na may free lunch, brewed coffee, super delish pastries and 2 servings of tempura from tokyo tempura pa (someone from the queue gave me his stub so I ended up with 2 servings!). Natuwa rin ako na accessible by bus yung venue so I paid very little for my pamasahe.
Ang kagandahan sa walang masyadong pera e yung sa konting biyayayang natatanggap mo, feeling mo nanalo ka na sa lotto. Lel.
Come Saturday me and my family and I will also eat at a resto for free. I feel like the Universe is spoiling me!
Kiddos from a Montessori school performed at the event earlier. Naisip ko lang, wouldn't it be nice to watch my own kid perform like that? Even if he ends up messing his own performance, I think I'd still find him cute.
It's already been discerned and decided, you know. I want to get married and build a family. I don't plan to do anything about it, at least for this year, since I have an ongoing agreement with God, but that's what I want. Maybe I won't get it, but I'm not giving it a rest without a fight.
My mother is a beautiful woman. Which means my kids have at least 25% chance of becoming beautiful. Since I'm their mother, they have at least 50% chance of becoming intelligent (this is my opinion, okay). They'll most likely have fair skin also. The only negneg people in our lineage are my paternal lola and my brother. He wasn't born that way though. Seeing my niece, I'm convinced that we have good genes. My niece is a beautiful kid and she's also very smart.
I don't know. Well, maybe I won't have kids at all.
But if I will... well then, maybe they'll be beautiful and smart. Maybe they won't. I think I'll be absolutely okay with anything as long as they're healthy. And as their mother I'll do my absolute best to raise them to be good people. Beautiful or not. Intelligent or not.
Sana mabigyan ako ng pagkakataon.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:42 PM.