Entries for February, 2017
feb 1. vday in a few. sh*t, di ko ready. lol.
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wanna watch 'im drunk, i love you', or is it 'i love you,im drunk'? ugh, too lazy to google.
still have 100php off for an sm cinema tix. maganda kaya? waiting for heneral's review but she seems busy with some ust-related sheez. showing na ba? again, tinatamad akong mag google.
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etmc on friday. neri wants to drink daw after. i dont drink (more like, i cant, because GERD),but id love to go. my mom will not be very happy about this though(16 years old, teh?). i wonder if i should find my own place na--or at least some place to stay whenever i have a night out. parents cant sleep unless im home and dad's not really in his best health anymore. id rather have them sleep earlier if i can help it. But i also want to spend time with my friends and have a good time.. ano bang pwedeng gawin? i wish i live in metro manila. huhu.
02:49 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
saw an add from cinematheque. they'll be having spoken words poetry contest something daw. And you know how i can be like when i see things like this, right? syempre super excited naman kagad ako.
i remember when i was young, i fell in love with poems first before i fell in love with stories. with the rise of spoken words poetry recently, naisip ko na, "wait, this is my chance.." pero takte, ang hirap magsulat.
siguro hindi naman talaga mahirap. kaso kasi wala pa kong speech tas hindi pa ko nakakatrain for table topics. i mean, come on... isa isa lang, pare.
parang ang dami dami kong gusto gawin na hindi naman mapagkakakitaan ng pera. konti nalang pulubi na ko..huhu.
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parang ang daming opportunities lately. i wish this year can be the break ive been waiting for. yung time na finally e mapapatunayan ko na, na hindi pure stupidity lang na tinapon ko ang pagiging engineer ko para hanapin ang gusto ko talaga. na may magagandang kahihinantnan ang ka eng-engan kong iyon. lalo na nga't alam ko na wala na kong babalikan.
ugh. ang sakit ng puso ko.
11:00 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
too lazy and too eager to cap off the week.
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was added at a messenger conf group the says "*insert the university i graduated here* class s students".
made me remember ghost fighter's "class s na halimaw" which was actually where the "class s" came from.
one of my old classmates' birthday. said he's about to go back to middle east and wants to have a get together. when asked when, other classmates were like "tonight". they didnt change much. mahilig parin sa last minute gala like the old days.
i wonder if r's coming. he didnt confirm.
then a "nephrina" loveteam was again formed which the rina part was me. this is just funny(kasi sobrang hindi totoo. lol). i miss this people too... but it's a tm night, so no.
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been having sneezing fit, runny nose and cough for the last couple of days. when i spoke this morning, takte, parang bagong gising 'pre. will be taking 2 roles at the meeting tonight, i hope this bedroom voice will not go any further into a full-blown paos.
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will r come nga kaya? should i just see my friends instead? haha. leche.
11:07 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
dumping some junk in my head here.
2 weeks to go. nyemers.
at times i feel neutral, at times i feel dead panicky.
was rehearsing at home a few days back. had mom take my vid as i deliver my piece. i watched it and felt depressed. i am clearly light years away from being a world champion material. this is so sad...
still yet to have another coaching sesh with gabby and mentor since the first one we had some a couple of saturdays back. they were busy and my sundays were taken so our sched just cant match. so, now what? wahhhh!
nakakalungkot.. sana naman hindi ko masayang ang 5 to 7 minutes ng buhay ng mga taong manonood sa akin on the 18th... : (
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another amazing meeting last fri. went out dinner with gabby, ivan, neri, mel and owie after the meeting. just a year since i first stepped the door of cali. i didnt know our club will become this close to my heart... hoping things will continue to get better.
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might be a family v-date on 14th. no pressure this valentines day for me. such a welcome change. all smiles.
10:05 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
6:37pm and I'm still halfway home stuck in traffic. Just when I badly want to go home.
Spent most of the day sleeping at the office. My head's been aching since yesterday and now aside from my 1week old colds, I'm also having chills. Trangkaso, ikaw ba yan?
Club officer's training on sat. I hope I'll get well by then.
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Today, I was able to hit my lowest point in the scales for the last 3 years as a result of a week long Atkins diet only to meet the need to cheat because I thought the headache was due to hunger. Apparently not. Sayang. I'd probably gain a couple of pounds because of this. Yeah, first world problem.
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10 days to the area contest. Sabi, "you don't ride a roller coaster to see the end, you have to enjoy the ride."
I thought of revising my speech to turn it into a world champion material or kahet area champion material man lang... Sadly, headache won't allow. I guess I'd take this an opportunity to rest.
06:49 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
just got back to work. felt like ive been out for a long time i almost forgot i have a job.
past few days were long but fast-paced and highly charged. my body's not keeping up well. signs of aging? jeez.
next few days will be more so. im feeling feverish. right now im okay with fever, but please, not trangkaso... a couple of days before the contest and im trying my best not to panic.
ive always believed that busy is good. must say im loving this. here's a quick jot.
11- COT2 at Union bank in the morning, then training shesh/execom/food trip by afternoon to everning. stayed at ivan's place till night time. gabby said my speech need reshashing. 1 week before the contest. OM!
12- baby kaitlyn's back home after a couple of weeks of staying in her mom's place in cavite. dropped all supposed sched to be with our baby girl. then as if at a gun point, i rewrite my whole speech. finished at about 12am. sleep? what sleep?
13- sent the draft to ivan and gabby. tried my best not to panic. tried to practice table topics too. tried not to remember how i sucked at the training last sat. milagro, Lord. pengi pong milagro.
14-vday. went out. 2nd time to see ocean park but this time was 10x better.
15-at ivan's place for a training shesh but ended up spending hours to revise my speech with gabby and ivan's help. the actor, EG and a former ETM member came. mejo star-studded training sesh. went home at night time again. i wonder if i should remove 'sleep' from my vocabulary already.
today, 16, i have a day to memorize.
tomorrow, 17, is a TM night and gabby wants me to stay after the meeting to practice my delivery. the contest the next day, saturday, 18, will be 8am. we are expected to be there by 7am. i will be coming from home in bulacan. again, sleep? what sleep? mejo suicide levels...hehe, huhu.
what will happen after this? i do not know. pero sana magawa ko ng maayos.
kinakabahan ako... T_T
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PS: i've been having a very problematic digestive system lately. trust me, it doesnt go well with an activity-filled sched especially since we dont have that many nice and clean public comfort rooms here in RP. i think this is healthy naman, but really, spell H-A-S-S-L-E, right? and yeah, a bit embarrassing too. leche. signs of aging din ba to?
anyone having problems like these?
10:38 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i slept at 1200 and woke up 0330. my head spins as i type this.
memorized my speech last night. kaya naman pala ng isang araw kung pipilitin talaga. it usually take me a week to do so. same goes for writing a speech. dapat yung tipong pipilitin mo talaga yung sarili mo. i remember someone told me "wag mong pilitin ang sarili mo, siguro may panahon talaga para dun." ngayon ko naisip na hindi totoo yun. i think we have more power over ourselves than we think we do. but you chose to give up, r... erm, tungkol sa speech pa ba to?
contest na tomorrow. from there, i can breathe na. sana naman hindi ko hiyain ang sarili ko dun. lalo na sa table topics. will be completing with a former national champ na taga area 2 din on both contests. i met him last sat sa COT2. he was good and he's funny. alam kong laging plus sa mga contest if marunong kang mag add ng humor sa speech. im not really scared, im more... i dont know- curious? i want to see what he got. hope he wont disappoint. i wonder if i should be worried na baka ilampaso nya lang ang speech ko sa contest. for some reason, im not. it's not even because i think mine is better. i doubt it is.
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so want to watch, im drunk, i love you(or is it i love you, im drunk?).. matapos ko lang to, manonood talaga ko. wait ka lang Carson, im gonna meet you soon.
10:57 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I will do my best to give my most honest take on this so I cannot guarantee that this will be without any drama.
"Buti nalang merong langit na nagtatanggol sa pag-ibig na pursigido't matyaga" was a line from the song I was reciting inside my head last Friday night to remind myself that the Heavens rewards our efforts as I was trying to memorize and rehearse my speech until past 1am leaving me with less than 2.5 hours sleep.
You know what, I take losing worse than a heartbreak. Because heartbreak happens with another person involved, while losing happens solely because of, well, yourself, right?
I asked the Heavens to make everything OK that day. That's be best I can hope for. I was so scared of messing up and I really can't bring myself to ask for a victory for 2 reasons:
1. I think that winning should be a side effect of getting better. If I win out of luck or mercy from the Heavens eventhough I'm not yet better, I'd be missing the point.
2. I am a person of focus (someone who sucks at multitasking). Since the whole contest thing started, I put on hold the plans I have for this year. These are crying to be executed and I know full well the repercussions if I will fail doing them.
Pero masakit pa rin no?
Alam mo, ikaw ang mefemamic acid ko in times similar to this. As long as you're there, okay lang. So when u stood up and told us you have to go back for the afternoon contest, I just watched u and felt all hurt rushing back.
Our club bagged the gold in table topics and the next 2 awards for international speech where the champion from another club was a 2-times national champion. I was 2nd runner up. Well, you know how I can be like, right?
I wonder if I just imagined it or people just suddenly sounded consoling. I hate hearing kindness during my losing moments. It's like having salt added to my wounds. But don't get me wrong. I'm happy that mel won and tj got the 1st runner up. My club is like home for me and people in it, my family. I will never see family as a competition. I see my victory and theirs separately even when we're competing for the same contest.
And then there's neri. What I found most adorable about her is her innocence. Her childlike raw honesty. She's like a fresh air in the sea of polluted niceties. But yesterday she said something like, 'if Jay was able to join, we would've gotten a back to back." I know she was just being neri. I don't hate her for that. But it hurts. It was like being told, "dapat kasi si Jay nalang sumali e. Bakit ikaw pa. Edit sana nanalo tayo." But with neri's innocence, I know she doesn't see it that way.
I received a message request in fb last night. It came from sir Raul, the contest chair for our table topics contest. His message said:
Hi Zah! Thanks for the like in our Eastwood page. I enjoyed your presentations this morning at the Area 2 contest and I believe you will go farther in your Toastmasters journey. Hearing your accounts about the people you encountered in Japan fans my hopes that one day, my daughter can have such adventures to talk about when she becomes a career lady like yourself. See you soon. 
Maybe he just wanted to say thank you for liking their page and maybe he just happen to add the rest of the message and maybe he didn't mean it as much as it means for me. This warmed my broken heart.
Gaya ng normal na broken heart, alam kong lilipas din naman to. Pero syempre, yung sugat, mag iiwan ng peklat. Sana hindi ito maging dahilan para Hindi na ko magtry ulet.
I salute the inner warriors inside me who fought a good fight. I was trying and is still trying not to say any words damaging to them. I must say, they did remarkable. The table topics speech exceeded the expectations. All in all, the Heavens gave me what I wanted. He made everything OK.
In a way, I wish I could spend some more time learning from my coaches and meeting new people through them. I know it's not that I won't anymore, but still...
Sana pala nakapagpa picture ako sa pusa ni Ivan na si Zee. I don't know if I'd get to visit their place again.
A lot of new talented members are emerging. We'll never know if I get to get past the club contest and join again. Darating kaya yung time na imbes na kaba e excitement ung mararamdaman ko during announcement ng winners dahil in my heart I know I'm the winner. Mga ganun.
Sabi nila, if you're the smartest, most talented and the best in the room, then you're in the wrong room. I know I'm still in the right room in my club. I hope my inner warriors will use this knowledge to improve and get better.
I need some time to heal. I need to do it in silence without any consoling messages even those that are masked with congratulations.
From here on, I will continue to move on achieving the things I want to achieve this year.
09:20 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i was out yesterday, sunday
so when g texted inviting me to their place to have lunch and tuturuan nia daw ako magmonopoly, i had to refuse.
fb said, he's busy working on a sunday. iba rin. his ability to multitask is beyond human compared to mine talaga. pero natutuwa parin ako na ganun siya. talent kaya yun? yung ability to make people feel blessed for meeting you? ganern? idk.
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when got home, sis-in-law reported about what she saw in the news that night. about some fish spotted in cagayan. said everytime that this fish appears daw, lumilindol.
so yesterday, i packed 1 bag for each of us containing a few clothes, water and food just in case it happens, at least we're prepared. i also packed medicine, bisquits and more water for everyone. our relatives in surigao experienced the recent earthquakes already. luckily, no one got hurt and no remarkable damage reported. i was in the office when an earthquake hit metro manila months back. few seconds lang naman so deadma. feeling ko, kung ako lang mag-isa, mas malaki ang chance na hindi ako magpanic.
iniisip ko lang yung mga aso ko... at syempre family ko..and si kaitlyn. well, siguro useless mag worry sa bagay na hindi mo sure kung mangyayari nga. At kung indeed e mangyayari nga, hindi mo rin naman mapipigilan.
ive been into countless earthquakes, most of which happened when i was in japan. ive been to vehicular accidents too. on all occasions, i was neutral lang. parang blank lang. i wonder if that's my way of panicking in a life-threatening situation. i wonder if that's dangerous.
ano't ano man, sa earthquake sa ilalim ng lupa man o sa loob ng isip ko, bahala ka na po, Heavens...
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hindi parin ako nakakanuod ng i love you im drunk : (
walang makitang sched na nagmamatch sa weekday sched ko.. showing parin kaya yun till next weekened? huhu.
12:40 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i feel like a moron.
was scouting for a space for a seminar ive long been wanting to conduct. was chatting with some provider when they asked, "may i know the name of the company?".... erm, do i have to belong to a company to conduct a seminar ba? lakas makabobo pre.
sighs.. unang problema palang, titigil ka na, z?
narealize ko na ang pinakamadali sa buhay e ang sumuko at magpadala nalang sa agos. but i know how the regret of doing nothing feels like...hindi masaya.
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhssssssssssssssss.
alam ko namang hindi ako matapang. pero sigurado akong HINDI ako duwag.
nakakainis naman to. T_T
01:49 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
it feels odd that im not feeling harassed over writing or memorizing a speech lately. i would be soon though since bsp7 is due mar 17. i had an outline in mind a few weeks back but for some reason, it lost it's flavor, so ill be writing a new one again.
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a commotion at the bus yesterday. i was on my way home when the man sitting behind me suddenly went stiff. sabi nila parang nastroke daw. he had his tongue out, his eyes shut and was being held upright by some man standing next to his seat because he cant seem to hold himself. i expected myself to feel scared. he looked almost dead after all and i'm dead scared of corpses. but that time, i wasnt. because i looked at him and saw Dad. i remember the time that Dad had stroke and wondered what could have happened it he was in a bus then instead at home. will someone help him? will he make it back home to us?
the man who had a stroke was apparently alone. we got the driver's attention so the bus pulled off to the nearest hospital. i dont know if he survived. sana oo.
i was yet to recover from the news about that 14 people who got killed when a bus crashed at a post in tanay, tapos ganun pa yung nangyari kahapon. grabe ang buhay no? hindi mo alam kung kelan nalang basta basta kukunin sayo.
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may ikikwento sana akong nakakatuwa, kaso bigla na kong nalungkot. bukas nalang.
sh*t. ang dami kong time.
03:33 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
It's 7:19 am and I'm incredibly pissed off.
Thank you very much.
07:21 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
isang oras nalang at 4 down na. one more day and yebah!! weekend na!!!
masayang masaya ko dahil merong nagtext asking about my product. lagi talagang nakakatuwa pag merong aaktong bibili sayo kahit di pa naman sila bibili. this time hopeful ako. sana wala ng backoutan to.
isa pang nakakatuwa e yung mga kagagahang ginawa ko today. syempre hindi ko sasabihin kung ano. haha!
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ang dami nang nangyari. ang dami ng nagbago. sigurado ako na minsan sa buhay ko may pinag alayan din ako ng pagsintang tanga levels na pero chebers parin... pero hindi ko talaga sya matandaan. meron nga ba? o wala ba?
isa lang kasi ang taong naaalala ko kung history lang ang pag-uusapan. pero sa ngayon, sa tingin ko okay na.
masaya ako today at puno ng pag-asa na magiging maganda ang bukas.
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pero seryosong gutom talaga ko. 150 pesos pa ang pera ko kanina kaso may mamang nalaglagan daw ng pera. posibleng modus operandi lang yun pero kasi namumutla sya so baka totoo. sabi nya kailangan nya daw ng 37 pesos para makauwi. binigyan ko sya ng 50. hindi naman talaga ako maawaing tao at ayoko sa mga nagpapaawa dahil naiirita ako..pero lately kasi lagi kong naiisip si papa. he's getting old. what if he gets lost one day without any money to get back home? will someone help him? siguro umaasa ako na kung tutulong ako sa iba e may tutulong din sa tatay ko sakali mang mangyari yon. pero alam ko namang hindi nag-ooperate ng ganun ang mundo. ewan ko kung ano bang virus ang dumadapo saken lately. siguro natatakot lang ako... mapipigilan ko bang mangyari ang mga bagay na ayokong mangyari? hindi na ba yun mangyayari kung gagawa ako ng mabubuting bagay? alam kong parehong hindi ang sagot pero minsan di ba, ugali ata talaga ng tao ang umasa.
ang opposite daw ng love ay fear. hindi parin ata ako marunong magmahal.
03:34 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Just read MM's (a blogger I've been fangirling since forevs) post in IG saying that he's looking for people to test out their menu in the new branch of his restaurant in makati. OMMG! My heart is screaming, "that's a chance to meet the idol!!!"
That will be tonight and tomorrow night.
Naka harabas clothes ako ngayon, jahe. Besides, I have to accompany mom to DV tomorrow so I need to be home early since we're leaving early the next day. Hindi rin ako pwede sa sat since malamang gabi na kami uuwi.
In short, MASYADO AKONG CHICKEN KAYA ILILISTA KO NALANG LAHAT NG EXCUSES KO KUNG BAKIT AKO HINDI MAGTA TRY NA MAKAPUNTA PARA KUNYARI MAY LEGIT AKONG DAHILAN.
ugh. I hate myself.
***
after an excruciating internal battle....
Hi sir! I'd like to volunteer in tonight's test run.
Send sabay takbo! Lol!
....
See, sabi ko senyo HINDI ako duwag. Hahahaha!
08:23 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Today would've been a day neck deep with schedule...
E kaso manok ako.
Was invited for an SD event in BGC. Said no. Anlayo kasi, Gatsby themed pa wala kong damit na Gatsby fashion, sobrang late pa at busy ako, may sakit, tulog. In short, MANOK.
Supposed to go to DV but woke up late. MANOK na MANOK.
Was invited to attend a test run at Makati but we we're supposed to go out tas biglang nagkatamaran di rin naman natuloy. Pero kung gusto ko talaga, siguradong may way. I think dinaga rin talaga ko at naging MANOK.
Mentor sent me an IM inviting me to go with them in an outreach near our place. Walang dahilan na maging MANOK since mel is coming too. Tas ang lapit lapit lang nun...kaso....
Ang dami kong 'but's, kaso at pero... Di maubos ubos.
Naniniwala ako na pag gusto, you will find ways, pag ayaw, you will find excuses. I saw myself do ridiculous things para sa mga bagay na gusto ko before, kaya hindi ako naniniwala sa mga sarili Kong reasons sa twing sinasabi Kong "hindi pwede".
Feeling ko, ang dami Kong opportunities na namiss today.
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Ang gwapo ng isang crush ko. Tipong mapapatanong ka ng, "may rightmed ba nito?"
Eww, crush.
Yung nga kaklase ko ung iba ikakasal, ung iba buntis, ung iba nakaka tatlong anak na. Tas ako nasa crush levels parin?
Why, Lord? Huhuhu!
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Maling mali. Feeling ko, marami talaga akong dapat baguhin sa buhay ko...
09:45 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
My bitterness over missing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity today is increasing at a compounding interest every 15 seconds. Nakakainis man. NAKAKAINIS! Ugh!
Penging blade! Huhu.
Para sa good vibes, will be seeing Ivan, Gabby, mel and a couple of people I do not know later this afternoon. Sana hindi ako mapako dito mamaya.
Naiinis parin ako. Pwede mag suicide??? Huhuhu!
12:08 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
"fortune favors the bold" daw.
kaya, oh sya, sige. push.
i set it to be posted tomorrow. yung ad para sa seminar ko na hindi ko pa napa-plano ang content. i will then buy fb ads to market it and then hopefully, 50 pax will sign up. from there, iiyak nalang ako kung anong gagawin ko pag katapos.
"fortune favors the bold."
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will be meeting up a client tomorrow for my other biz. mejo haggard kasi parang wapakels sya sa pera. iinform ko sana sya sa prize pero parang ni hindi nia sinilip. basta daw dalhin ko yung product bukas then go. sana naman hindi ako pumalpak pa dito.
"fortune favors the bold."
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mejo haggard din ang weekend.
after fixing a few things at home i decided to catch that outreach thingy that ivan invited me into last sat.
it was an outreach for the erderly people. naalala ko tuloy nung leader leaderan pa si lola ng senior citizen. we use to bring food at their meeting and i found some of the lolo's and lola's adorable. i prefer them over children.
when the outreach program was over, i approached a few of the elderly to give them a hug. i love how lolo's and lola's are so soft. there was this one lola who went up to me and said "ang bait bait mong bata." i just smiled to her and gave her a hug, deep inside saying, "hindi ka po sure dian, lola..." lol. kung tutuusin wala naman akong ni ambag sa outreach na yun kundi presence lang. feeling ko tuloy hindi ko deserve yung thank you ni lola. nagpahabol pa nga sya ng wishes of blessings.
feeling ko yung mga matatanda, or yung mga batang super baby pa e yung mga favorite ni God. tipong pag nag pray sila, hindi hihindi ang langit. na-touch tuloy ako na ni bless ako ni lola. hindi man ako siguro ako ganun ka-favorite ni God, pero sana sya rin, pagpalain.
after nun, yung outreach namin nauwi sa field trip. from sjdm, we drove to marilao to eat, tas nag valenzuela kami to go to tita remy's house, sabay sa house ng sister ni gabby and her super cute son na si xander. then back to fairview at ivan's place. im glad i was able to spend time with these people.
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"please, 5 minutes pa." said my inner carson.
5 minutes.
ikaw, kelan ka ga-graduate sa ganyan, z?
03:55 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
He was just "soft selling".
No need to get confused.
...
Penging blade! Charot.
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Pero sana one day, maiba naman. Yung sinasadya man o hindi, maitutulak ka nya hanggang sa mahulog pero makikita mo sya dun, nakangiting naghihintay para saluhin ka.
Hindi yung sadya ka nyang itutulak para panoorin ka lang na malaglag nang nag-iisa.
ANU DAW???!
Pak! Ang cheesy!!
08:34 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Eh kasi sa tingin ko hindi naman ata tamang maging faithful ako kung hindi naman ako taken.
Ayun lang naman.
Nasagot ko ba?
K. Tnx. Bye.
10:47 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
