Entries for July, 2017
Yesterday night, we were walking our way to where Bea's car was parked. That was when LA had the idea. We've always had the best person to ask all along yet this was the only time that we had the chance.
We got the answer. Speculations were confirmed and I went home feeling like I've swallowed shards of broken glasses. I can feel the spikes piercing. Ang hirap huminga.
Pero okay lang. At least alam ko na.
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1St meeting in our new venue yesterday. Lakas ng ulan, buwis buhay levels. Huminto pa operations ng LRT habang bumabaha so hindi ako makapag Jeep. Nastuck sa traffic sila Andre. Then I had to push through with the meeting on time kahit lilima lang yung Tao. Then gabby and Ivan weren't able to make it. Then we ended the meeting without being able to fill the required consumable.
Mejo haggard, parang bigla kong namiss yung CaliBurger. But in the end, naging maayos naman lahat.
The boy who just signed up approached LA and I. Kami daw yung pinagpipilian nyang gawing mentor. In the end, the boy chose me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nya ko pinili, but I feel both flattered and frightened about this. Still, sana magawa ko yung role ng maayos.
This was the same boy that we thought to be cute last meeting. Yung malambot ang kamay (and yung arms, matigas----eeee! Landeee! Hahahaha!) dude.
But he's going to be my mentee now so dapat hands off. Hahaha. We're not so sure if he's straight though. Pero saken, hindi naman yun issue. Natawa lang ako when LA said something like, "ganyan talaga magnet mo no?"
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Wasn't able to do anything productive today because of this skull cracking headache. Got home about 2am and i also drunk a little. Konti lang naman. Still, that's probably the cause of headache. Nakakatamad pumasok sa lunes.
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Naiinis ako.
Hindi ko kasi maintindihan kung san nanggagaling ang pagiging yelo mo. Posible naman na guniguni ko lang pero weird kasi e. Hindi ka naman ganyan e. Ewan ko. Mejo nakakapikon.
Well, ayun lang naman.
10:23 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
A lot of things.
-Hindi kinaya ng puso ko ung kilig dahil sa lovelife ni LA. Lakas maka teary-eyed. Kinilig ako please.
-So, Universe, ako kelan?
-naaning na ko sa system maintenance sa cage. Malapit na magwala ang mga customers.kelan ba to maayos? Huhuhu!
-puteeeek, wala pa kong speech! Gusto ko na maghyperventilate.
-meeting tita with her churchmates on sunday to sell my stuff.these people don't have issues with money. Oh please, z, dont mess this up.
-mom will be joining me.she's a sales talk genius. Yiy!
-buti nalang ang puso, malayo sa bituka. *wink wink*
-humihikbi man nakakangiti parin.
-thanks ha, Universe. *hart hart*
09:35 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
that number of minutes and im off. ang daming tao ang ingay ingay. it is usually silent here. ang dami pang kalaban kanina, i cant move.
but hey, just a few minutes and tomorrow's friday. will have a saturday rest and then an action-pack sunday.
it'll be Dad's birthday on the 9th. we're going out. then by night time ill be seeing tita and mom's going with me for business related stuff.
TM friday tomorrow. the club's been busy lately probably because gabby and ivan have been busy and the rest of the officers have to take over. plus, we're fairly new in our new home. pag nagiging busy ako lumalabas na naman yung praning, control freak at perfectionist side ko.
must. resist. this. hindi healthy e.
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freshly out of the arena and im super bored na T_T .
i strongly believe na malalaman mong adult ka na pag kumakain ka na ng paksiw. hindi pa ako kumakain ng paksiw so im probably not one yet.
healthy daw for children to be bored sometimes.. so tama lang to. tama lang ma bored.
03:44 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Nakasabay ko si tintin sa bus kanina. Classmate ko nung highschool. Nagkakwentuhan hindi tuloy ako nakapagtext sa bahay nung malapit na ko. I texted sa may kanto na. I was so scared to walk i taught of waiting there kaso may pinatay na dati dun. So i proceeded walking kaso marami na na holdap at ni rape dun. Pak this.
Then i saw a huge ball of light from Dad's flashlight. I feel so sorry he had to run para masundo kagad ako. He's old and sickly and cant even walk straight anymore. I'm sorry, Dad... Huhu.
I can't imagine how it would be if my parents are not as they are. Puteeeek, kakatakot pala maglakad mag-isa sa dilim. And Dad has been doing that every single day para ihatid at sunduin kami ng kapatid ko.
Just a day to go. Advance Happy Birthday, tatay.
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Nalulungkot ako. Hindi ko alam kung dahil mukhang hindi ka na naman natutuwa sa mga kaganapan or siguro dahil hindi na kita nakakasama. Hindi ka naman exactly cold pero parang may kakaiba. Siguro pagod ka lang... Or baka naninibago lang rin ako/tayo kasi bago lang tayo dito.
Hindi dapat ginagawa ng mga bagay ng halfhearted, z.
Yung tipong when u love, may exit plan ka kagad kung pano mag move on in case hindi mag work.
Or ung when u decide to move on, naka ready ka rin mag jump back kung biglang parang may pag-asa pa. Wag ganun.
Worse, wala naman nagsabing may pag-asa pa.
Again, wag ganun.
....
But then maybe we can move on in our own pace ng hindi pinipilit ang sarili.
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I admit i am fond of the boy. Lalo na nga at nalaman ko na mabait at sweet din tong batang to pero seryoso naman ako nung sinabi ko na hands off ako e.
Kaya lang kanina when i was with LA and i told jay about the boy. I was just being animated. Charot lang naman talaga yung mga sinasabi ko e. Kaso sabi ni jay, "ambisyosa" jokingly.
Dont get me wrong, i love jay. She cant possibly offend me with that simple joke even if it's half meant. Its just that, words like that induce some reaction in me. It's when i am told i cant that i want to prove them wrong all the more.
So u think i cant do it? Oh, watch me...
....
Ay, wait... Wag nalang pala. Haha!
Hay z... Walang kadala dala?
01:39 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Saturday. It's been a while since i had the time home with nothing to do, though not really. Im feeling lazy, so when mom said she's inviting our manicurista over to have our nails done, i willingly obliged.
Red and blue in matte. I once saw someone in matte painted nails and it was in no way glamorous. I was just curious coz i havent tried matte so i chose it anyway. Surprisingly, it turned out nice. Mukha nga lang philippine flag because of the color. Lels.
2012 was probably my most payat days ever since i left my teenage years. I would like to recreate the results i got then through the same pattern. What worked then may not work now but i am a believer of patterns. i guess it wouldn't hurt to try.
I also want to be a little girly, or at least more like woman. Maybe i can drop my usual off-to-hiking look and try something more feminine. Maybe id grow my nails longer. Do something about my hair, then diet, then exercise. As to what i want to get out of this, im not so sure.
Maybe i just want to prove to myself that i can and also im little bored. I guess i just want to take this time to prepare for the next battle. Maybe in a few months or so. This time, I want to choose something right. Something worth keeping. Seduction is a game that requires time, talent and energy. Talent, i can expend since it's the type of resources that gets better with use. But time and energy is a whole different story.
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Puteeeek. Bat ba ang nerd ko?
04:17 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I wonder if it's really that bad. My usual get up.
Mind you, i was just wearing a collared blouse over a top. : (
BTW, this came from a married dude who, at 9:43pm, is chatting with another woman (me) telling her how she stikes as a deeper person, "someone who has depth but decided to try to keep it easy".
Praning lang ba ko or nakikipag landian ba saken tong taong to??
....
Hmmmm...
Ok, hindi naman siguro...
Relax, z...
09:21 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Been feeling low since this morning. For one, i have terrible colds and runny nose and my head's aching a bit. Hassle mag sick leave sa cage so id rather crawl and die there.
Not in my best mood too. Bad trip kasi ung ang sakit ng ulo mo tas ang ingay ng cellphone mo. Weeks, pare, weeks. At kahit once hindi ko sinagot tawag mo, text mo at pm mo... Hindi parin ba clear?
Dad warned me of this boy. Dad rarely do that, so i know i have to listen. If only it won't be so much of a hassle to change number...
Yung gusto ka, hindi mo gusto. Yung gusto mo, hindi ka gusto. Quits lang naman. At least, mabait saken yung gusto ko.... Ay wait, minsan lang pala. Haha! But really, pramis, eto na yung pinakamabait na way na alam ko.
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A lot of things scare and confuse me so much lately so i went to the chap para maka heart to heart talk ang Langit. Nakakahiya na naaalala ko lang Siya at humahaba lang ang mga dasal ko pag may kailangan ako.
Minsan ang sarap yugyugin ang Langit at kulitin Sya na ibigay sayo ang gusto mo. Agad agad. Now na. Pero nalaman ko na ang peace pala matatagpuan lang pag natutunan mo nang mag let go.
Gagawin ko po ang lahat ng kaya ko in my power. As for the rest, Heavens, bahala Ka na...
"i didn't give you fear." This was what i heard inside my head as i was leaving the chap. Nakikipag usap din pala ang Langit or guniguni ko lang ba? It doesn't matter.
Hindi ko alam kung ibibigay ng Langit yung hinihingi ko, pero yung peace na binigay Nya sakin today, sapat na. Sobra sobra pa.
09:43 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
The 1st day of my bakasyon grande just ended. My body chemicals are probably messing up with my moods once again and i feel like a volcano ready to erupt at the slightest provocation.
You're better than that, z.
A lot of things upset me lately, and really, sometimes the things that affect you the most, you find hard to talk about.
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Took a half-day leave yesterday and a whole day leave today. Monday's a j-holiday so that's 4.5 days of freedom. I want to plan. Rebuild and redesign my life, myself, and then create something so much better.
I spent my half day leave in taguig yesterday to buy products for business. Will be meeting tita once again by Sunday and hopefully a few more potential customers.
Since i was going to pass market market anyway, i decided to walk around a bit. Market market is the worst place go when you're on diet. But hey, i managed to get out of there without eating anything nakakataba.
5 days on diet and i can now slip off my pants without undoing the zipper and button. Applied the same pattern i used 5 years back and it seems like it's just as effective. If i manage to do this for another week, i plan to switch to a healtier version of this by the following week. I wonder if this is the cause of my volcanic attitude lately.
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Spent the day today cleaning my room. Not yet done with it so Saturday will probably be another cleaning day. I also plan to fix my body clock by going to bed at 9 and waking up at 4, securing a 7-hours sleep. It's 12:21am now, so as you can see, I'm failing miserably on this. I did go to bed at 9 though. I intend to wake up at 4am still. Hopefully later tonight, magawa ko na matulog ng 9.
Might be meeting my cousins on Sunday, tita bebeng's daughters. They are artista level beautiful ladies. We're not really close but they are super nice bunch so hopefully maging madali for me to set the friendly, sisterly vibe since ako yung ate. Hindi kasi pwedeng ako yung awkward di ba? Jeez.. Naiistress ako.
Eversince naman mejo socially awkward talaga ko. But my parents taught me to be polite and i think it's impolite to meet people and just sit there not talking. You have no idea how this is so much of a torture for me though. Pero usually sa una lang naman ganun. Besides, the times that i tried to combat my social awkwarness turned out okay naman 100% of the time, so laban lang!
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12:56 am. Can someone teach me how to sleep?
12:52 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Pag ako yumaman, magpapatayo ako ng zoo.
O kaya farm.
Tapos aampunin ko lahat ng street animals or yung mga hindi naman talaga naaalagaan.
Tapos hinding hindi na ko kakain ng mga hayop.
.....
Ayoko na kumain ng mga hayop.
Gusto ko nang yumaman.
Sighs...
Nalulungkot ako.
12:52 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
-Itchy eyes
-Runny nose
-Sneezing fit
These are the ingredients of my sunday evening. 3 days into my bakasyon grande and im still at the "decluttering" stage and yet to reach the "planning" stage. Kinailangan ko kasing magpalayas kaya hindi din ako matapos tapos.
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Soap and dust.
Two things I'm allergic with. Sabi ng doctor before wala naman talagang cure sa allergy, you can only drink meds for relief or totally avoid the cause. I know it's impossible to avoid these two and I've long resigned to the fact i have to go on a sneezing fiesta in every day of my life. Pero recently, dumadagdag pa yung itchy eyes sa side effect. Hindi ko kaya, bes.. Huhu.
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Kapapanood ko lang ng bagong ad ng jollibee sa facebook. Hindi ko nagustuhan. Eexplain ko sana reason ko pero, nakakatamad kasi. Basta.
Out of the arena for days now. Or weeks na ata. I lost counting. It is during times like this na wala akong target na naaalala kita. Tas napanood ko pa ad ng jollibee. Well, iba naman story naten pero.... Wait, ano ngang story naten?
Alam mo ba, hinihintay ko ang time na magse-settle down ka na. Gusto ko kasing malaman kung anong magiging reaction ko dun, because right now, i can only speculate.
Kamustaka ka na ba, R?
10:20 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Need to be in bed before 10 so this is going to be quick.
- im excited that injan's new co will be in cubao, meaning, we can see eachother more often. She's one of my fav peeps in the world and im dying for a little heart to heart talk with her right now.
- july 21, Friday, there will be a club contest for evals and humorous speech. That's also my brother's bday. Said kuya will be having an early out and mom's making hirit, "ikaw lang ang wala". I wonder if i should just skip the contest.
- still recuperating. i admit im not yet okay.
Time's up.
09:43 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Club contest over. Hindi ako nanalo, na disqualified pa ko. Overtime.
Ok lang naman. Nakakatawa lang na sasali rin pala ang mentee ko sa isa pang category tas sya rin na overtime.
Ayoko talaga ng natatalo pero this time, ok lang talaga. Nalulungkot lang ako na hindi ako magkakaroon ng excuse para makasama ka.
Pero kahit yun, ok na rin talaga. Pero syempre, gusto pa rin talaga kitang kasama.
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Alam mo ba yung hunch? Yung madalas tinatawag nateng "kutob". Common yun sa nga babae including me. I remember back in the day when cellphones weren't a thing yet, i would always know if bff was visiting our house because of this hunch. Same goes if it's nephil or anyone i have strong connections to.
This hunch also makes me foresee the outcome of things. I remember very well the times when i thought i won't get something i badly wanted and i felt this pull in my gut then ended up getting that thing despite the apparent impossibility.
There is also that other kind of pull where I'd get the opposite. I don't remember this ever failing.
Just a few hours ago, i felt a pull. A pull i recognized as that of defeat and i have a bad feeling about this.
Has anyone felt something like this before? If you're able to fight the hunch and get the opposite of what it's telling you, please, please, let me know.
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Then i watched the other boy slipping away.
There i was pretending i don't really care.
I hate lying. If you lie in your actions, then that's still a lie. I wish i have the courage to act the truth out though.
I already told the Heavens that i don't want to lose you.
Kaya sige, bahala na.
01:10 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
And i sabotaged once gain my own love life.
Thank you very much.
01:29 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Chatting with my girl friends and i found it amusing how we have the same opinion about the men present in our common circle right now.
You see, i never had a sister. That's why i love having girl friends around. They are the sisters i never had.
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So LA and I had a mini food stop after the meeting.
Kwentuhan. Chika chika. Etcetera.
Then she mentioned a dude that she noticed earlier sa meeting.
"Ay, napansin ko rin yun," i said.
When she said "shucks" thought she meant, "shucks, parehas tayo ng taste," until she followed,
"Type mo? Naku baka bading."
Ay, grabe sya...
Laugh trip.
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A friend was depressed a few days back so i was surprised to find out that she had completely bounced back na. All because she received a pm from some dude she's been eyeing for some time.
I know. I'm the same. I'm a woman too.
I, too, was a little bit depressed earlier until this message came. Minsan naiinis ako sa kung pano mo ko napapasaya.
I find men's effect on women both fascinating and infuriating. Nakaka amaze na isang simpleng message from a guy na special sayo e kayang i-turn ang super low days mo around and make u all bouncy. Infuriating din, kasi nakakainis na may taong may ganung power over you di ba?
I just retreated from a battle and im still wounded. I know it's not wise to get back fighting when you're not yet on your best self. At alam ko rin na hindi reliable ang nararamdaman ng mga taong fresh pa ang sugat. Siguro, chill muna.
Hindi naman ako dating ganito, pero parang ngayon, takot na ko.
03:44 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
-type mo rin ba?
-nope
-ayos! therefore, di sya bading.
.
.
grabe sya.
had this convo with a girl friend last night. naaliw ako sa pagka action-packed ng lovelife ng mga single friends ko recently. and i love how they're so kerengkeng. birds of a feather flock together indeed.
i miss flexing my flirting muscles. im getting really bored with this self-imposed hiatus.
03:51 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
it was because of jay that i found out na available pala sa supermarket ang sacramental bread (ostia), pero kanina lang talaga ako nakakita. diet talaga ko. at 3 days narin akong naka cheat day and cannot afford another. iniisip ko lang...
nakakataba kaya ang ostia? kasi malapit ko na maubos yung 500 pcs in one sitting. gutom?
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tamad to the highest level. kung kelan may nabuo na kong outline sa isip ko for my bsp 9, tamad na tamad naman akong magsulat. tas nag volunteer pa ko for another event. i dont know why im doing this to myself. yung ang tahi tahimik na ng buhay mo at wala kang inaalala tas ikaw pa naghahanap ng sarili mong problema. lel.
pangarap ko kasi yung role. excited na nga ko e. pero kung hindi ako kikilos at magpe prepare then, im gonna get myself in trouble.
fancying the idea of taking the role of someone to man the registration booth with LA for the area contest come aug 5. perfect venue to expand network or spot new target. haha. but the day before that is a TM meeting. muri. hindi kakayanin ng katawang lupa ko unless willing akong pumunta dun kahit zombie. ayaw.
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back in trying to fix my life. might be needing to extend this hiatus. career at financial life muna.
on the 29th, 4th anniversary na namin ng cage. ayoko nang umabot ng 10th, Lord. T_T
been reading Bo Sanchez' "how good people like you can become rich". who would have known that it could be a real tearjerker. sinisipon na ko. ang wirdo lang ng mga bagay na nakakapag paiyak saken lately.
i plan to re-read the richest man in babylon. sana wag naman akong ma stuck sa kakabasa lang.
04:11 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
around summer 2003. our dog, shaider, just died and so tito danny gave us a new dog. a small brown puppy i named piggy boy. mom told me to let the puppy out so that it can pee or something else. my baby cousin, kenken, who lived next door, saw me with the puppy so he came to us to make usyoso.
"ate, anong pangalan ng tuta?"
"pig"
"hi pig! hello pig!"
ate cel, the mother, heard the whole thing and made a scene. she angrily went to where we were and said,
"hoy! bakit mo tinuturuan ng mali ang anak ko? hindi pig yan, anak, dog yan!"
i almost died laughing.
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i remember you, you know. in the same way that i remember you every time that im not thinking of anyone else.
the last time, i saw that you have all three sets of hp books na from different publishers. we used to save every peso to buy a single one, ngayon may collection ka na at hard bound pa.
ipa-publish na rin pala yung book mo. at soil talaga napili mo... related sa PS naten. at ang kaisa isang subject na nagwasak sa puso ko. tanda mo pa ba ang buong kwento?
kamusta ka na?
kamusta ka na nga ba?
sabi may kakayahan daw ang brains naten na gawing better ang memories naten sa mga tao than what it really was. ineexagg daw ng utak naten ang mga alaala. well, siguro nga. hindi narin naman mahalaga.
----
had our neighbor straighten my hair last sat. sabi ko lagyan nya ng body para hindi mukhang walis. ginawa nya naman. pero eto, mejo mukhang walis parin, pero keribels. 6 months from now, ipapa kulot ko to. sana'y mapatawad ako ng buhok ko sa madalas kong panglalapastangan sa kanya.
----
kailangan kong gumawa ng speech. ang daming TM-related activities hindi na makasabay ang wallet ko.
paminsan minsan naalala ko ulet yung taong kinakalimutan ko pero siguro ok na yon.
sa ngayon, gusto kong mag focus sa pag ayos ko sa buhay ko.
03:00 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
