Entries for May, 2018
Outside my room, the birds chirp.
I love this kind of silence.
This is the 2nd day of my 4-days long, long weekend. The past day had been ordinary so far, and for some reason, I'm so happy.
Kaitlyn's in Cavite with her Mom and they will be staying there for about a month. It's been a while since the house had been this silent. I wonder if it's normal for a human being to love silence this much. But don't get me wrong, I also love having my niece around.
I had another customer again yesterday. Nakakatuwa, ang dami nyang inorder. I should've earned more, but I realized that more than their money, I want to gain their trust. I hope that through this, I could build lasting relationships with my customers.
Tomorrow, I will have to see the suppliers again to buy orders and replenish my stock. This means I'll be killing thousands of peso again and by Monday, wala na naman akong pamasahe. Thank you very much. Lol.
Naalala ko yung sabi ni Tim Ferriss na "scratch your own itch". Something like, mag benta ka ng bagay na willing at gustong gusto mo ring bilhin. This same principle worked for Jer, and he hadn't even read Tim Ferriss yet (I think).
I'm aching for a decent watch lately. Yung branded, brand new at original. The only decent watch I have is the one that Mom gave me for my birthday last year. It's gold in color. Gusto ko rin ng silver since most of my accessories are silver. Been searching FB for it for days now kahit hindi naman talaga ko bibili. Ang dami kong nakitang maganda, ang sakit sa puso. Since I am yet to meet my suppliers, sa ngayon, afford ko pa. Can you imagine how much self-control it requires to prevent myself from buying these watches?
I wonder if I should make branded watches my next business venture. Mag-iipon ako ng puhunan para dito <3.
Sighs... gusto ko talaga ng magandang relo.
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Wala akong pasok sa work ngayon so I'm at home in Bulacan, but later, I will commute 3 hours (6 hours back and fort) to attend a 2.5 hours long TM meeting na pwede ko namang hindi puntahan.
I think we really make time for the things that matter to us, don't we?
After tonight, 2 more regular meetings yet and I'll be free from my responsibilities as our club's VPE. Na realized ko na ang downside pala nito e wala nang pampaganda ng speaker's profile ko for my future speaking gigs (na sana dumating, and pag dumating, sana ready ako at hindi kakaba kaba ulet).
Maybe I'd try my luck in running as the president next year for that purpose. If maayos na ang buhay ko then, I will do that. Kahit manganpanya pa ko. Haha. May boboto kaya saken?
Sana nga, maayos na ang buhay ko by then. Konting kapit pa siguro.
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We did some food tasting for our club anniv on May 18. Prior the agreed meeting time, LA and I met. As usual, we had a girl talk. Sabi nya, sinubukan nya daw i-evaluate kung ano ba ang passion nya sa buhay at nalaman nyang ito daw ay ang "magmahal". Na surprised ako sa sagot ni LA kasi I thought, she's just like me. Chill. Pero hindi pala. Listening to her story about her hopes and hurts felt like seeing a totally different world from my own.
Paano mo ba iko-comfort ang tao tungkol sa bagay na hindi mo naman talaga naiintindihan?
For a while I started having doubts about my ability to love. Ang lalim kasi magmahal ni LA. Para syang ocean, tas ako yung puddle sa tag-araw na malapit na malapit nang matuyo.
I don't think this has anything to do with what I experienced in relation to loving people, because for as long as I can remember, I've always been like this. Detached.
Pero narealized ko na siguro sadyang iba iba lang ang mga tao. That's why we love differently as well. The way I love maybe shallow compared to how LA does, but it doesn't mean na hindi totoo ang pagmamahal ko. Ang weird na bothered na bothered talaga ako dito. Lol.
Feeling ko kasi the lack of the ability to love is the worst handicap. Hindi ako papayag na may ganun akong klaseng disability.
Naniniwala ako na hindi ang depth ng love ang magpapatunay ng authenticity nito, kundi yung little parts of you na binibigay mo CONSISTENTLY to nurture that love and sustain it till the end.
Balang araw, patutunayan kong tama ako.
11:30 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
11:01pm. Will get back to work tom, dapat natutulog na ko.
Nakakatamad matulog. Gusto ko nalang magbasa hanggang sa sumakit ang ulo ko, o kaya mag picture ng mga products na ipo-post ko sa Facebook. Ayoko pa matulog.
Was browsing fb earlier. I saw someone's post and noticed the tiny star marking on the right indicating that I set his profile on a "see first" setting. I smiled and click the 3 dots and changed the setting from "see first" into "default". He was the only human being that I followed "see first".
How long was it? 11 years. Maybe my love isn't that shallow after all.
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We have a guest last Fri na nakasabay namin pauwi. She kind of reminds me of Leian. I found out though that she's still single. I told her that if she's hoping to find a love life, she came to the wrong place because as far as I know, lahat ng member na single nung nagpamember ay single pa rin to date. Totoo kaya na may sumpa sa club? Lol. Come to think of it, nagka bf lang ulit si Neri when she left the club. I wonder of I should leave the club na. Haha.
Well, idk. Lately I've been reading my Tony Robbins book and it mentions something about modelling. Pick someone whose results you want to get. Copy their mindset, beliefs and behavior and you'll get the same result.
Sa tingin ko sigurado na ko sa result na gusto kong makuha. Iniisip ko nalang kung mali ba ang mga taong sinasamahan ko. Siguro dapat magkita kami ni Neri ulet. Tsaka parang gusto ko rin maging friend si Ms. Janice. I want to actively seek out people I can model from. I don't know if this will work but I want to at least try.
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Sa pagkakaalala ko, may part ng bible na nagsasabing protect your heart because everything flows through it.
I've done this so many times at alam ko namang hindi effective, pero ginawa ko pa din. Sabi nila dapat daw maging specific tayo sa ating nga prayers. A little too specific ata yung saken. Sa dami ng taong hiningi ko sa Diyos, wala Syang binigay kahit isa. Pero dahil lahat ng hindi love life related na taong hiningi ko, binigay Nya, sigurado naman akong nakikinig naman talaga Sya. Sadyang sablay lang siguro yung mga hiningi ko. Still, hinahanda ko na rin ang puso ko sakaling mapag desisyunan Nya ulit na ibigay sa iba imbis na saken yung hinihingi ko. Ibigay Nya man o hindi, in the end, alam kong ibibigay Nya yung pinakamabuti.
Sigurado na ko sa gusto ko. Hindi man yung specific na gusto ko yung makuha ko, deliberately, gagawa ako ng paraan para makuha ko to.
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"Alam mo bang hiningi kita sa Langit?"
isang araw, sasabihin ko to sa taong makukuha ko.
11:34 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Spell T.I.R.E.D.
Been working on my biz lately and there's a lot of things to do. One of my mentees, Toni, sent her speech draft and I'm yet to work on that one. I'm barely answering PM's from messenger. In a way, I'm liking this kind of busy. I just hope I don't feel this tired.
I haven't been eating and sleeping much lately. Must be the source of that walang gana feeling.
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If there's one thing I'd like to learn para masabi kong nag mature na ko bilang tao at bilang babae, siguro yun e yung hindi na lilipad yung kilay ko twing may ibang babae susulpot na baka bigla mong magustuhan... because come to think of it, wala rin naman akong magagawa.
What's meant for me will not miss me.
Naalala ko rin yung law of least effort. Maybe sometimes, we need to be at peace and just allow things to fall into place.
I'm letting go.
09:25 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Ang hapdi ng mata koh! T_T
For straight 1 week, I've been sleeping less than 3 hours. I seriously need sleep.
I went to Quiapo yesterday. For someone who adores silence, it's odd how I was liking the whole Quiapo vibe. It's just 1 lrt ride from the office. Maybe I'd go there more often.
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I'm meeting people from the club tomorrow. I actually forgot why we're suppose to meet. Too lazy to check the GC. I'm hoping that the meeting will end early as I need to hunt for an outfit for the anniv party then will be attending a party in the other side of Bulacan by the evening. I don't even know how to get there yet. Everyone in club seems to be busy too though. Gonna be a long day. Truth is, I'd rather stay home, sit in my favorite chair and stare at the ceiling or read books. I'm not feeling so social, my stomach churn at the thought of human interaction. But don't get me wrong. I love these people.
Konti push nalang and my life in the club will change. Soon, I'll be handing the files of our club to the new VPE. Maybe there will be considerably less ticking of phone after this.
I'm already thinking of ways to fill up my time in case I get bored. But since I'm someone who find happiness in staring at the ceiling for hours, there's very little chance that I'll get bored, right?
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Ang dami ko talagang inaalala sa ngayon.
08:04 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Just got home. It's 1:15am.
Dad was waiting for me at the bus stop earlier. When I got near Dad, I noticed that a dog was waiting with him. The dog got up when it saw me and touched his nose on my hand like a kiss. The dog walked me mula sa kanto hanggang malapit sa bahay namin, occasionally stopping to wag its tail and jump up and down excitedly at me. I don't know whose dog it is and I don't know kung bakit feeling close sya sakin. It's pathetic that since I've watched "a dog's purpose" feeling ko lahat ng aso, reincarnation ng baby Thangs ko. Huhu. T_T
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The day was long, but it was kinda nice. I got to spend it with people I love spending time with. I wasn't able to follow today's agenda, pero sabi nga nila, kung na enjoy mo naman, hindi daw waste of time ang tawag dun.
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I'm turning 33 by Oct, pero feeling ko, hindi ko parin nakikita yung sarili ko as an adult. See, sinusundo at hinahatid pa nga ko ng nanay at tatay ko to/from the bus stop whenever I go to or go home from work.
Gusto ko lang mag try ng something na mejo adult pero hindi naman yung tipong makakadamage ng innocence ko. While on the way braving the traffic jam, napagkwentuhan namin yung tungkol sa gay bars at Pegasus. I'm curious. If my girl friends will come with me, I want to join G one time in places like these, as long as hindi masyadong mahalay. I am serious about maintaining my innocence until I get married. Lol. Ayoko lang naman talaga na downright nene parin ako at this age. Feeling ko nga, magiging masaya to.
G was making kwento about what one can see in Pegasus. While I and the equally nene, M, was thinking how it must be painful for the girl, I saw a glimpse of J busying himself with his phone. He's a religious Christian guy. Heck, he doesn't even drink. Iniisip ko kung makasalanang makasalanan na ba ang tingin nya samin. Lol.
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Wag mo daw bitiwan ang bagay (tao) na ayaw mong makitang hawak ng iba.
A side of me says, "Hell, no! I'm not gonna hand you over!" But a more reasonable side says, "you don't own him". If hindi ako ang babaeng best for him, I don't want to deny him of a chance to get closer to a girl na baka nga mas bagay sa kanya. Jeez, I'm so matured... I wonder if this is even serving me. Arg!
But I think I'll be fine. Iniisip ko rin kasi na maybe a guy like him won't like someone na mas malakas pa uminom sa kanya, openly kerengkeng at nagbabalak pang pumunta sa gay bar. And I'm not even mentioning the age difference here.
Uhmp. K fine. Point taken.
01:59 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
A few nights ago, I had a dream and you were there. I rarely dream about the men I care about except for R and now there's you. It's kinda eerie.
The setting was simple. Parang pajama party. We are with a friend innocently lying on a bed. Just resting. You, the friend, me. You reached out over the friend's head to hold my wrist. I just let you. We did all these daw so quietly so no one will notice. Tas may dumating atang tao so I quickly removed my wrist from your hand.
In real life, there was no bed, but you reached for my wrist. It made me wonder if we had the same dream.
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Bff sent me a link of a dating site where she found her fiance. The rest of my single friends are planning to visit other divisions to expand our network.
It's not so thrilling to look for someone else when your eyes are fixed at someone you consider special.
08:56 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
My head. Must be the red days.
I just got home after meeting a customer. All good. Was chatting with another while in the bus on my way to home. Nakakapikon kausap si Ate. "Last price" daw, insert smileys. Ano to, Divisoria? Raaaawr!
Pero sa tingin ko, hindi lang red days ang source ng init ng ulo ko. Kinailangan ko na naman mang unfollow ng tao sa facebook.
Nakakalungkot. Feeling ko kasi ganito rin ako years ago back when it was still R. Inuulit ko lang din yung mga mali ko. Dapat talaga hindi tumatalo ng kaibigan.
Bilang damage control, promise last na to.
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Just responded to a message from some dude na ages go ko nang dinededma. Nasa tatlong cathegory lang kasi madalas yung mga lalaking nagugustuhan ko. Minsan bading, minsan may asawa, minsan tropa. At least tong lalaking to, hindi nag fall sa kahit alin dito sa tatlo.
Sisimulan ko narin sigurong isa isahing i-accept ang friend requests ng nga taong hindi ko kakilala. Napanood ko kasi sa tv na yung iba, sa ganitong paraan nagkakatuluyan. Hindi naman sa gusto ko na magjowa agad agad. Kung tutuusin, yung gusto ko lang yung gusto ko. Ayoko naman talaga ng iba. Pero... sighs... sige, damage control. Para rin siguro mabaling yung atensyon ko sa iba.
..
Ang sakit pilitin ang sarili. Putek.
Pero ganun yata talaga. Parang bitter medicine na kailangan mong i-take.
Nalulungkot ako.
Namimiss kita.
Ayoko na nga.
..
Promise, huling drama ko na to tungkol sayo...
09:55 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Traffic kasi. Inaayos kasi yung kalsada samin kahit hindi sira. Para hindi uminit ang ulo ko, I turned on the data of my fone. Umiinit din ulo ko sa Facebook kaya nag register nalang ako sa dating site na sinuggest ni bff kung saan nya nakilala yung fiance nya. Tamad na tamad pa ko mag ayos ng profile nung una. Kasi naman wala akong idea ano ba ginagawa sa dating site. Tas sabi bff, filter daw ng search. Hanap ka ng trip mo. I-like mo. Tas pag ni like back ka, ayun na. I don't have an idea yet what "ayun na" means, but when I started searching, ay sheeeet! Dami rin palang gwapo! Hahaha. Kaya tyinaga kong ayusin ang profile ko at nag upload pa ko ng matino tino kong pictures. Ang landi lang. Lol.
10:51 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I miss you and I don't know what to do about it.
11:44 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Z: Hello Ma'am, kamusta po kayo? May nagustuhan po ba kayo sa brochure?
Cust: Hello! Okay naman ako.
Z: *so, ano 'to, kamustahan?*
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Z: Hello *insert name here*! We are located in SJDM, Bulacan.
Cust: Ok po. San po location nyo?
Z: *kasasabi ko lang, Ate. T_T
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My mood fluctuates between wanting to laugh or pull my hair off dahil sa mga ganitong klaseng banat ng mga customers ko. But in a way, I'm happy that they're there. They keep my businesses alive. I'm greatful. Kahit ganyan yang mga yan, love ko yan. At pinagdadasal ko na ma bless sila ng products ko. Kahit minsan masakit sila sa ulo, sana talaga dumami pa sila.
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24 hours since I signed up from this dating site. Two 20 yo's, a couple of dudes in 30's, about 3 in their 40's and a handful of 50s and 60s marked me as "interested". It's interesting how this works. Someone even marked me as "favorite". I also recieved a few messages na nakakabadtrip lang kasi hindi ko mabuksan dahil kailangan pang mag upgrade sa premium.
Isa dun sa mga nag "interested" saken ay mejo trip ko. He sent me a message. Sheeeet, nakakakileeeg! Hahaha. "Hi" lang naman ang sinabi nya pero feeling ko ready na kong bumuo ng pamilya kasama sya. Lol. Ang futuristic talaga ng mga babae.
I intend to upgrade to premium soon. I can afford naman, kaso I also want to have my money ready in case I recieve bulk orders from my biz and need to shell out money. Ano ba dapat mauna, pera o lovelife? Haha!
Okay, charot lang. I'm not really serious. I'm just enjoying myself. This is actually a good diversion. I still miss someone.
Will it even affect you one bit if I'd end up with someone else? Putek. I hate asking questions like this.
11:28 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Do you remember the first time someone said to you, "I love you"?
I remember he was acting odd that day, I seriously thought he was having stomach ache. When I got home, we were texting and he was picking a fight thru text for absolutely no reason. Then after all his virtual tantrums, in his message he said, "I think I love you."
I remember I was so shocked. He was the last person I expected to hear it from. In my panic, I threw my phone on the bed and buried it under a pile of pillows, looking at it like it was gonna explode or something. Lol, it was quite traumatic.
I remember smoothing my chest to calm my rampaging heart asking, "what did just happen?"
Funny, right? But I guess I never really change so much. If it happens now, I might react the same way. Can't throw my phone though, because, 1st, this is Mom's phone. 2nd, this si expensive, Mom will probably kill me.
I wonder how are we going to find love when the slightest hint of mushiness makes us cringe and run away. This is just too pathetic, it's almost laughable.
But I'm going to outgrow all these because I'm going to find a good man and with him, build my own family.
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Ok joke lang to. Pero posible kaya na ang Prince Charming ko e nakatira sa Maldives at pinanganak lang nung 12 yo na ko?
Lol. Probably not. Pero hindi naman siguro kailangang laging may romantic angle ang mga bagay bagay. I just remember my AOTS days. I really miss meeting people from different countries.
08:19 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
they say that absence makes a heart go fonder...
or forgetful.
I guess I've underestimated my capacity to forget. Sino ka nga ulet? Lol.
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Been on an eating fiesta since the day after our 007 party. Need to go back on eating moderately if I'd like to look like a normal human being. Another black tie event in a month now. Pwede namang hindi umattend. I just want to support Gabby. Besides, I might be needing more nice pictures in the future.
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Today, I learned that the language in Maldives is called Dhivehi. It's kinda interesting how there so much more out there in the world that I am yet to see and discover.
Maybe I can also visit Maldives one day.... Wait, why not? : )
04:01 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
It's 10:18pm. There are things to do, but here I am, sitting on my favorite swivel chair as I type this. Just like earlier when I was riding the bus, my phone was beeping, but the moon and the night sky were so beautiful, I didn't want to miss a moment of it. I ignored my phone and admired the night sky instead. Truth is, I was trained to jump into doing seemingly urgent things... but lately, I'm changing, and I'm liking it. I think I just want to put priority to what really matters.
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Years ago, Fr. Mario mentioned in his homily about the promises of Jesus to Sister Faustina. I remember I thought of researching about it, and it took me years to actually do so.
I just read it today. 17 things that Jesus revealed to Sr. Faustina about the Divine Mercy. As I was reading it, narealize ko lang na ang sweet sweet din talaga ni Jesus.
"I want to save them all," he said.
He also said na the more na grabe yung mga kasalanan mo, kahit kasing dami pa ng mga buhangin, mas lalong malaki yung karapatan mo para sa Kanyang Mercy. Minsan ang hirap din talagang hindi mahalin ang Diyos no. Sobrang bait Nya naman kasi.
Hindi naman ako madaling maapektohan pag jina-judge ako ng iba, pero just to be sure, I saved the link sa bookmark ko para sakali mang husgahan ako ng iba sa mga bagay na nagawa at hindi ko ginawa, maaalala ko na si Jesus, unli ang Mercy, unli kung magpatawad.
Naalala ko yung paborito kong chapel sa Megamall. Sa loob kasi ng office na katabi ng main chapel, meron pang maliit na chapel na madalas kong tambayan kapag nalulungkot o naguguluhan ako. Sa maliit na chapel na yun, may picture ni Jesus na sobrang gustong gusto ko. Akala ko dati, sacred heart ang tawag dun. Kay Jenny ko lang nalaman na yun pala yung Divine Mercy. Mahal na mahal ko yung image na yun. Pag pumupunta ko don, minsan ididikit ko lang yung noo ko sa picture ni Jesus at kumakalma ko tas natatagpuan ko yung peace. Nakakatuwa na all those times, ayun na pala yung Divine Mercy.
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Every day that passed since the week started felt like Friday to me. I'm reading my Toni Robbins book. I should be writing posts for my businesses, or buying ads, but I guess I want to slow down for just a bit. Do very little and then see how things pan out.
Same sa love front. Do very little, see what will work out, and then from there, decide. If things don't work, then we can all just move on and proceed to the next.
I want to keep things as simple as possible. Incur the littlest damage possible-to myself, to the person involved. After all, feelings are investment too. You've got to dream big, but start small.
I will have considerably more time this coming month. I want to use this time to expand my world. Gabby have a lot of club hopping sched jotted on his calendar. I might join him on some of these.
Naalala ko yung sabi ni Sis Rissa noon. Naisip nya daw dati na sakali man na dumating yung time na nasa point na sya ng buhay nya na wala na talaga. Na hindi nya na makukuha yung gusto nyang makuha, at least daw, she can look back and say, "Lord, at least I tried."
Well, ako rin. I also want to at least try.
11:07 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
